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Just when you thought a job search could get no more demoralizing…this happens.

It’s been a really tough week thus far emotionally for me. I mentioned the reconciliation discussion last Sunday (see my previous blog) and ever since then I have been really confused if what we are doing was the right thing. Marriages are complicated – heck, any kind of relationship has its ups and downs. I have been down on my hands and knees in prayer about my family and better half all week. The only time I seem to have had any clarity has been when I am praying or running.

I want us to be like these two. Old people in love are so cute!

But today I became clear on everything. I don’t know if I just saw it in a different light or if it just took me a while to process what God was telling me. I have received so many differing opinions from friends about what to do. But the fact is most of them aren’t divorced, or don’t have children, or have never even been married. I know they care about me and want what’s best for my life – but they also don’t have a full-view of the situation or any relative experience. I had to go to the Lord for final guidance on this issue.

Heather and I are both scared to death. I thought at first that was a bad thing – I thought that we should both feel amazing about trying to make our marriage work again. I thought we shouldn’t be worried or concerned. But I realized today that I was wrong. We SHOULD be scared and nervous. When things ended I was an alcoholic, she was in a deep depression, and things were very, very dark and meek. We essentially lived separate of each other. I understand why we are hesitant. We are scared of what was. We don’t want to go back to that place and the hurt and anguish we went through a year ago.

That fright however is a blessing. It is what will drive us to make something unique and new – form a new stronger relationship over what we had even at the best of times before. We are building what is; not going back to what was. I know if we both work diligently at saving our relationship we can. God put us here for a reason…and has brought us back together for a reason. Maybe it’s not His intention for this to work out, but for us to learn a lesson along the way. I don’t know His plans – but I do know He’s always out in front of us leading us where we need to go. If we stay focused on His path, we cannot lose.

I’m not sure what the future holds for us – I hope a lifetime of happiness and joy; I hope one day we will be able to help other couples who are going through the same trials and tribulations we are. I hope I am writing this blog 50 years from now with Heather sitting by my side. But that’s not for me to decide. All I know is that God has given me a second chance with the most important woman ever in my life and I will do everything in my power to honor, love and cherish her while I can.

“Time…don’t let it slip away. Raise your drinking glass – Here’s to yesterday” – Steven Tyler

I have finally found happiness in this world. It has taken me a very, very long time – but I realize now what it was. All these little decisions I have made – moving to Atlanta, changing my patterns and routines, getting back to doing the things (like playing and writing music) I love– are the keys to my happiness. I am so glad to have found myself again. It wasn’t about new discovery – but reconnecting with things I had lost.

Most importantly though – I realized that all the things in my past, both good and bad, are a part of who I am today. I spent so much time running from those things or trying to pretend they never happened that they were actually hampering my current growth. But I’ve come to terms with those things now, and that has allowed my heart to be open and free. It’s not about money or status or a job title – living is all about accomplishing the goals you’ve set for yourself and growing and learning each day. My ex-wife has taught me that lesson. I’m not sure she did it on purpose – but thank you. I’d tell you that I owe you one…but that would be a drastic understatement. I owe you more than I could ever repay.

So I’ll raise my glass to yesterday – to the people, places and events that make me who I am today. And the things I learn and do today will make me who I am tomorrow. That’s the beauty of living.

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Reconciliation – it’s a term I thought I never wanted to hear. What “was” is just that – the past. But I got the call I thought I would never get from my ex-wife a few days ago. It was all about reconciling, about trying pick up where we left off. Trying to right the wrongs and fix what was broken before.

I thought after all I had been through – so much anger and hurt, that I would immediately shoot down any such idea or plan. But honestly it intrigues me. Clearly there was something there before, and there always will be. Can we get past some of the hurtful things that were said? Am I just setting myself up for more hurt? How will my children handle it? Am I just the fall-back guy? My head is littered with these thoughts and questions.

Mainly though I have to decide if this is the right move for me. I can’t go back to being the person I was then. Clearly if I take this path we’ll probably need to see a counselor. Hell, I might need to see a counselor right now. But the love I have for Heather has never gone away. It’s still right where it was. Maybe the split was just what we needed to make us realize what we had and appreciate each other.

First things first, though – I’ve got to finish working on myself. I know I have to get myself to the place I want and need to be before I can really focus on someone else. Still I am just so shocked, scared, excited and confused all at once about what’s happening. It’s a little like what I wrote about yesterday…there are so many tough adult decisions in life. I just hope I make the right one; for myself, my children and my ex-wife. The only thing I know for sure is that I’ve missed her.

First off henceforth I shall be known as Marshall Banana. I assume most of you aren’t anime fans, so the reference will be lost on you. However even if you aren’t an anime fan (and I wasn’t until recently) I highly suggest checking out the series Cowboy Bebop. It’s anime for “Westerners” or so I have been told. It’s an awesome series that’s roughly 26 episodes with a movie thrown in for good measure. I realize Marshall Banana sounds like a porn name, but I assure you it is not. I’m not making this up.

I’ve been in Atlanta for a month or so now and I am really enjoying myself here. I got in trouble not long ago with a city dweller for saying I live in “Atlanta,” when I actually live in Gwinnett County – out in the ‘burbs. But it’s big city as far as I’m concerned. What’s great about this city is that they have everything here. If there’s something I’m interested in or want to do – no matter how specialized – someone here is doing it. The only major drawback I have found would have to be the traffic.

An 8-mile round trip to the nearest QT (the greatest gas station in the world!) can easily take 30 minutes or longer especially if attempted during peak traffic hours. Not to mention people here get some serious road rage. Also, the traffic can dictate some of the activities.

As I mentioned, they have everything here. But if I am forced to drive almost 2 hours to the other side of Atlanta to get where I’m going it’s suddenly no longer worth it. I manage, though.

I have been desperately seeking a great job – and have my feet in the fire for several awesome opportunities. Plus there are some very cool looking educational opportunities here. The technical school has a couple of computer and medical fields that look awesome! And tuition in the great state of Georgia is dirt cheap. Take that Alabama! And thank you lottery.

Anyway – more to come soon. Hopefully I’ll get a couple blogs posted soon. The crappy Comcast man disconnected my Internet while turning someone else’s service on this morning. And they aren’t coming back to fix this mistake for 24 hours. Wish me luck with that.

See ya soon,
Marshall Banana

I sit and daydream often. I dream of a time when I walked and didn’t crawl. I think back to a time when I was upright instead of down on all fours; back to a place where the wonder and mystery of life was overwhelming – a place and time when I held the world in my hands and there was no such thing as a wrong decision. Maybe it was ignorance, arrogance or just a lack of real world experience that made anything possible. I miss that. I miss the naiveté that I had even 10 years ago.

But now I know – after 30 years – that for everything I think I have lost, I have gained so much more in return. I realize now that for each mountain we climb – each trial and tribulation we survive – the rewards are both immense and amazing. The loss of one love simply gave me two more precious pieces of life. The loss of a friend only made me appreciate the friends I have still here with me that much more.

And that’s the benefit of being an adult – to see both sides of a story. To know that with every yin there is a yang; for every Barney there is a Andy. It’s the struggle for balance, making those tough choices, that define us as people and make our individual stories unique. It can be scary and daunting. But the longer I am here the more I realize that’s what being an adult is. Life is a long line of tug and war – sometimes we fall in the water and sometimes we stay dry. But as long as we get up and continue to tug, good things are ahead.

Keep pulling with me folks. There’s so much treasure not just at the end of this rainbow – but all along the way.

God Bless the American Worker! And God Bless the Unions that fight for their rights. We need more unions in America, and here’s why…

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Apparently this was an alternate take done at the time this commercial was produced. It kind of sounds like the guys from Car Talk.