I’ve got to have some wood nearby to knock on – but I’m going to say it. I’m finally happy. For the first time in longer than I can really remember I am actually enjoying life. Everything just seems….right. That’s not to say I don’t have to fight through the struggles of daily existence. I think we all deal with that each day. But I seem to be back to the place I was eight years ago when my World was on its axis and spun properly. It’s been quite the path to get here, and by no means an easy journey; but definitely a worthwhile one.

The first thing I had to do was struggle, and I mean scrape and crawl and drag myself, through an addiction to alcohol. Without doubt it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I can’t tell you how many times it would be easy to just have a beer, grab a six-pack or go out with friends. But that’s not who I am anymore. I wrestled with that Demon and I’m glad to say I beat the Devil, as Kris Kristofferson says. It’s taken a ton of commitment, some great friends, and a paradigm shift to make it happen. I may still occasionally stumble or fall, but I’ll fight back onto the wagon and hold on for all I’m worth.

The second thing I did was reprioritize my life. When I sat down and thought about what was important to me there was no question about what was atop the list – being the best dad I can be for my children. Somehow, someway, for some reason my ex-wife decided to let my son move in with me. Maybe she thought he needed his father around. But it’s more likely she probably saw that I was the one who needed him. And having him here has changed everything. I revel in the role of dad. We get up and go swim, play baseball, read books, play video games; do the kind of things all boys should do with their fathers. It’s making me a better person by the minute. It seems like the more parenting I do the more I learn about myself and change for the positive. Commitment, patience, morals: The lessons are everywhere I look.

Lastly I’ve really fallen back on my spirituality. My particular flavor is Buddhism. But hey, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, etc. – you have to stick with what works best for you. My faith really grounds me. I find myself recognizing the moment so much more often and embracing those precious seconds of here and now. It’s wonderful after drinking so much of the present away. The Buddhist tenants of skillful thought and meditation are things I use all the time now. I find when I approach life in such a manner the rewards I receive are ten-fold. But you don’t have to take my word for it. No matter your faith, really apply it to your life and let me know how things turn out. I believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

But most of all I credit my family. I have the most amazing parents a person could ask for. They watched the roller coaster called My Life over the past 10 years or so and stood by, offering guidance (or a well placed kick to the backside) when I needed it. The saw me at my worst times; drunk and belligerent, in a court for DUI, screaming at my ex-wife and are now seeing me at my best. It’s only possible because of their love, devotion, dedication and hard work. I owe them a debt that can never be repayed. But I promise I will try and take all this positive steam and put it towards being the kind of person, and living the kind of life, that makes them proud.

And too all my friends who have kept me afloat on an unrelenting sea of depression and self-loathing, thank you for your patience. I really have far better friends than I deserve. If it wasn’t for you there’s no telling where I might be. I use to overvalue socialization and I allowed it to run my life. I cut my losses and hunkered down with a small group of true friends – and I am constantly enriched and blessed by all of you.

Lastly I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my ex-wife. Even though things didn’t work out in our lives as we hoped and vowed that day almost six years ago, you’ve been patient, kind, and continued to support and tolerate me through the hurdles of our divorce and now raising children. Many women would have gone bananas over the monkey business I caused. But you have been and always will be my friend. And to say I am thankful for that is perhaps the understatement of my life.

I never knew so much good could come out of something that at the time seemed so bad. But as Norman Ollestad said, “Now I realize inside each turbulence there is a calm; a sliver of light buried in the darkness.”

We’ve all known for a while that Lindsay Lohan is out of her damn mind, but this picture shows just how far off the deep end the poor girl has gone. And I thought Michael Jackson showing up an hour late to court in his pajamas was bad. Come on girl…and you’re shocked you got sentenced to 90 days. To quote Mr. Ed Lover, “C’Mon Son!”

Seeing as how disc jockey’s are always talking up Thirsty Thursdays and great deals on drinks, cheap cover charges and the like I decided to take a different approach. As a recovering alcoholic I thought it would be interesting to link videos of people making asses of themselves while drunk. Thirsty Thursday is just a horrible marketing scheme that inevitably leads to What The F@ck Friday. But more on that tomorrow.

So this week I bring you “Struttin.” I can’t say for sure that this gentleman is drunk -- but he’s most assuredly on something. I couldn’t find any info about this video except that a Huntsville, Alabama reporter is trying to do a story and for whatever reason this passerby goes off about people that have to walk from place to place. As an Alabamian I’d like to point out that Huntsville IS one of our classier cities. Just keep that in mind. Now I’m off for a walk. Got to be struttin’ dat ass. Keep it sober, keep it safe and keep off camera.

I stumbled across this ah-mazing Journey cover today at The Daily What. It’s a little bit rock, a little bit country and a whole lot of kick-ass. What could possibly be a better way to start off a short work week than with an alt-country cover of Journey? Nothing I say. Nothing at all.

Clem Snide covers Journey

I owe George Lucas dearly. You see – Star Wars has been a huge part of my life. I was never what you might call a fanboy. I never pretended to be a Wookie or pilot the Death Star or be orphaned on Tattoine. Honestly, I barely remember watching the films as a child.

My first real Star Wars experience came when they re-released the trilogy to theaters in the mid-90’s. I took a date to try and see Return of The Jedi and on the way I got pulled over for running a red light (Author’s Note: Do not drive a motor vehicle like you would a Podracer) and despite my attempts to get us there on time we still missed the movie. Oh, and I also got a $200 ticket. So Andrea, again I apologize and I sincerely hope you have finally overcome that traumatic night.

After that debacle and subsequently seeing the next Star Wars film on a mild-altering substance, I decided that George and I needed a break. But fate brought us back together at the release of The Phantom Menace. The newspaper I worked for in Germany wanted to cover release day, and it piqued my interest. I volunteered for the story and once again we danced the dance.

And I fell in love. I adored the new films. (I know, I know… Haters keep your comments to yourself.) I assumed after Episode 3 I was done with Star Wars. But I had a son. And the cycle started again.

It was all due to Lucas’s incredible marketing machine. There are all sorts of things Star Wars. Lunch-boxes, coffins, games, toilet paper; you just name it. Dylan’s particular pleasure was Star Wars: The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network. He loved it and it got him asking me all about Star Wars. For a child whose family had recently split up it was an entirely new World to escape in. Plus it was something special we shared in common. It was just ours – sister need not apply.

We submerged ourselves pretty deeply into the World of Star Wars. We bought Nintendo DS’s and two copies of the Lego Star Wars game. We’d watch a scene from one of the movies and then hop onto our DS and play the corresponding level together. But it’s about a lot more than just escapism. The movies have allowed us to have some awesome dialogue; relationships, good and evil, right and wrong, fathers and sons, split families, honesty. It’s bonded us on an entirely new level. And for that, I owe you greatly Mr. Lucas.

It’s so tough to be bipolar. It’s harder than any war I fought or any battle I won. The highs and lows are more than you could even imagine. It’s as if your life is a roller coaster and everyday is a hill. One minute on top of the World admiring the view but the next the depths of depression; just waiting for that inevitable climb back up. But this ride never ends. It just goes on and on.

It’s amazing to me; I’m surrounded by happiness and what should make a person’s life fulfilled; a loving family, amazing children, incredible friends. But none of that makes a difference. One day I feel as if I’m finally on the path towards happiness. Then my brain switches, and I’m drowning in a sea of despair and unhappiness. And I think to myself – God please just let the ride end. There’s no worse torture than knowing and seeing what you want in your moments of sanity, but being unable to grab them.

It’s a vicious cycle fueled by self-medication, prescription drugs and my own mind. But I just can’t get hold of it. The mind is so powerful. I’ll make awful decisions; lose loved ones, damage relationships, damn near lose myself. But like a song on repeat the cycle continues. I want to stop it…but I can’t.

And here I am again today; after a day of bliss – of mania as a Psychiatrist would tell you – back on the low end of the spectrum. Wondering why I’m here, what my purpose is. It’d be so easy to disappear into nothingness. Life would be so much easier that way. But I can’t bring the shame of that unanswerable question upon my children and my friends. I can’t leave them asking why.

So I sit…a prisoner of my own mind: one day alive and moving 100 miles per hour, the next a recluse hardly willing to leave the bed. I don’t expect anyone to understand it. But it’s who I am. It’s the life I was born into. And one day I fear it will take me into a blackness that never ends.

It’s taken me 31 years, 3 months, 25 days and a few hours to finally decide I’m ready. I’ve had all I can stand of the wild parties, keg beer from trash cans, immature relationships, living paycheck to paycheck, having a job and not a career and just general tomfoolery that accompanies not being an adult. I’m ready to take the plunge and trade in my rock t-shirts for button downs and my Doc Martin’s for loafers.

In all honestly I should have made the change a long time ago. It’s not like I didn’t pay a price for this lifestyle. In my wake are failed marriages, ruined friendships, money problems, and God only knows how many dead brain cells. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Something in me clicked and I don’t want to be that person any longer.

Maybe it was watching my father nearly lose his life to heart problems. That was a sobering reality check for me. It certainly made me realize that I wasn’t as invincible as I thought. That in any given moment I could be gone. And there are a lot of things and experiences – adult experiences – I still want to have.

Perhaps it’s from being a father myself. Nearly losing my own dad has made me want to be an even better father for my own two children. Not the person I was; not the man who ran their mother off and lost himself in gallon after gallon of alcohol and bottle after bottle of pills.

Maybe I’m just now getting past many of the issues that held me back; an inability to let go, a penchant for living in the past, a silver tongue and quick wits that allowed me to bullshit my way through life.

However it happened, all I see now is future. The slate has been wiped clean and the World is my oyster. The question is what do I want to do with it? I want to rebuild my life back. Have a family, a successful career; be the kind of man and father that my father was. If I can be half the man he is and positively impact half as many people, I will have done something amazing with my time here.

You’ve only got a few weeks left to live; that’s what the doctor’s recently told my Uncle Bob. He’s had cancer for the last couple of years and has fought it valiantly. But a week or so ago he found out that it had finally spread from his colon into his stomach and liver and that chemotherapy was no longer a viable option for him. It deflated us all.

A little background on my Uncle Bob; He was epileptic as a child and has myriad health problems including schizophrenia and the like. He never finished school and as such thinks and functions on about a 4th grade level or so. He lives in a garage we converted into apartment behind my home and I help to take care of him. Aside from his lack of social development he is also a bit of a junk collector and enjoys fighting against causes such as bathing, shaving, etc. Hygiene is not his strong suit.

Bob has never had any real family of his own and never dated. He’s only had a job or two his entire life. His existence has pretty much been doing what he wants and enjoys on his limited income. That involves watching cartoons, going to thrift stores and trying to figure out how create rockets or build his own solar panels. Grandiose plans…but they make him happy. Don’t feel bad for him, though. He has loved his life.

I also think that’s how he’s been able to live so much longer than his initial prognosis of 6 months left. That was more than 2 years ago. The lack of stress, of leaving anything, has really helped him.

But the last few weeks have been hard for him. And me. His suffering has become almost more than I can stand to watch. I am feeding him narcotics like they are Skittles – and he still rolls around in the floor writhing in pain. It’s ripping me apart emotionally.

What was most amazing was when he found out that the cancer had run its course – and he would be dead within a few weeks, he wanted to come and tell me personally. He was so worried whether I would be alright when he told me. He wasn’t even concerned about himself. He keeps checking on me, and asking me if I am okay…despite his own pain and limited time. He is truly an incredible person. And to say I am going to miss him would be an understatement.

I hope I can get him into Hospice or a nursing home soon. He needs more care than I can give him now. I am so scared I’m going to go to the grocery store or class only to come home and find him dead. No one should die alone…and suffer alone as much as he has.

I know he can tell how badly I am worrying and hurting for him. It’s remarkable he still cares more about me than himself. Despite his gruffness and wild look he is one of the most remarkable and sensitive people I know. I hope whatever happens he doesn’t suffer much more. And that he goes knowing how much I love and care for him. I just had no idea how terribly difficult it is to watch someone die this way. And I hope it’s a long time before I have to see it again.

When we’re young we often feel invincible. We do wild and crazy things; never have hangovers; can function on little or no sleep and somehow manage to look good through all of it. Over the last two weeks I’ve watched as many of my friends lose their lives. The truth is we want to stay young forever; but we don’t. Every decision we make has repercussions that are felt now or later. There are certain lifestyles that aren’t safe to live anymore.

Jake and Misty were old classmates of mine that have left us over the last couple of weeks. I’m not sure what happened to Jake but Misty committed suicide. Both losses really blindsided me. My high school classmates were almost all still alive. I guess that made it easy to still feel young. Although I hadn’t see Jake since high school I had spent a fair amount of time with Misty since I left the Air Force – although not recently. It really reminds me how fragile life can be: Here one second gone the next.

If you’ve read anything of mine in the past you know I have battled for years with alcoholism and depression. My on again off again problems with drinking never scared me that badly because I always considered myself young and invincible. But as the last two weeks have shown me; I am not. It’s almost as if the Universe is warning me. Well, I am listening.

“Death is not the end of who we are. It is only a brief pause in the endless cycle of our lives. Each of us is a spirit that cannot die.”

I hate that I had to lose two friends to wake up and really see what’s going on around me and what I have been doing to myself; but sometimes it takes a swift kick in the ass. And that’s what I got. It’s so eerie and uncomfortable that as I was writing a blog Thursday about nearly committing suicide a friend of mine was doing that exact thing. I’m not great at reading between the lines – and thankfully this time I don’t have to. It’s time to start living right.

I’m thankful for the lesson I’ve learned from these tragedies, but I sure wish I could have learned them some other way. There are so many left behind; sons, daughters, parents, brothers and sisters. I wish I could have done something to help before it was too late. Now they’re just memories. To say they will be missed by many is an understatement.

As a Buddhist I hope your journey is a safe one; that your Karma from this life helps you get closer to enlightenment and that we meet again in the future.

18 months ago I came within seconds of taking my own life. I had lost my job, my family, my freedoms; I was at rock bottom. I remember feeling like I had nothing. That sense of emptiness was so scary. I wasn’t even mad – Just alone. But a random phone call from an old friend came at the exact right moment in time. I remember the taste of the cold barrel in my mouth and hearing the ringing of the phone. I can’t believe how close I came to leaving this World.

So today, on this Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for. I’m blessed with the best children a father could hope for; two wonderful kids who love me despite my flaws, who look up to me and love me unconditionally. I have two fantastic ex-wives who I remain friends with to this day. I cherish not only the times we use to have together, but the ones we have now as well. I have the most supportive family imaginable. My parents and brothers have watched me trip, stumble and fall and have always been there standing beside me when I need them.

I am also so thankful to you – all my friends old and new who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, this blog and the like. Social Networking has allowed me to chronicle my life – the ups and downs, good times and bad – and I am so thankful that you are there to tag along for the journey; sometimes offering advice or putting a foot in my ass if I need it. I appreciate you putting up with my crazy antics and listening to my wild stories. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without all of you in it.

Most of all I am thankful for my life – for the chance to sit and watch a sunset, or see the twinkle in my son’s eye on a Christmas morning; the ability to get in my truck, put the windows down and feel the wind against my face and know I am alive. I’m thankful for each breath I am blessed to take in this World because late on a Friday night 18 months ago I was a split second away from giving this life up.