The first thing I had to do was struggle, and I mean scrape and crawl and drag myself, through an addiction to alcohol. Without doubt it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I can’t tell you how many times it would be easy to just have a beer, grab a six-pack or go out with friends. But that’s not who I am anymore. I wrestled with that Demon and I’m glad to say I beat the Devil, as Kris Kristofferson says. It’s taken a ton of commitment, some great friends, and a paradigm shift to make it happen. I may still occasionally stumble or fall, but I’ll fight back onto the wagon and hold on for all I’m worth.

The second thing I did was reprioritize my life. When I sat down and thought about what was important to me there was no question about what was atop the list – being the best dad I can be for my children. Somehow, someway, for some reason my ex-wife decided to let my son move in with me. Maybe she thought he needed his father around. But it’s more likely she probably saw that I was the one who needed him. And having him here has changed everything. I revel in the role of dad. We get up and go swim, play baseball, read books, play video games; do the kind of things all boys should do with their fathers. It’s making me a better person by the minute. It seems like the more parenting I do the more I learn about myself and change for the positive. Commitment, patience, morals: The lessons are everywhere I look.

Lastly I’ve really fallen back on my spirituality. My particular flavor is Buddhism. But hey, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, etc. – you have to stick with what works best for you. My faith really grounds me. I find myself recognizing the moment so much more often and embracing those precious seconds of here and now. It’s wonderful after drinking so much of the present away. The Buddhist tenants of skillful thought and meditation are things I use all the time now. I find when I approach life in such a manner the rewards I receive are ten-fold. But you don’t have to take my word for it. No matter your faith, really apply it to your life and let me know how things turn out. I believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

But most of all I credit my family. I have the most amazing parents a person could ask for. They watched the roller coaster called My Life over the past 10 years or so and stood by, offering guidance (or a well placed kick to the backside) when I needed it. The saw me at my worst times; drunk and belligerent, in a court for DUI, screaming at my ex-wife and are now seeing me at my best. It’s only possible because of their love, devotion, dedication and hard work. I owe them a debt that can never be repayed. But I promise I will try and take all this positive steam and put it towards being the kind of person, and living the kind of life, that makes them proud.

And too all my friends who have kept me afloat on an unrelenting sea of depression and self-loathing, thank you for your patience. I really have far better friends than I deserve. If it wasn’t for you there’s no telling where I might be. I use to overvalue socialization and I allowed it to run my life. I cut my losses and hunkered down with a small group of true friends – and I am constantly enriched and blessed by all of you.

Lastly I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my ex-wife. Even though things didn’t work out in our lives as we hoped and vowed that day almost six years ago, you’ve been patient, kind, and continued to support and tolerate me through the hurdles of our divorce and now raising children. Many women would have gone bananas over the monkey business I caused. But you have been and always will be my friend. And to say I am thankful for that is perhaps the understatement of my life.

I never knew so much good could come out of something that at the time seemed so bad. But as Norman Ollestad said, “Now I realize inside each turbulence there is a calm; a sliver of light buried in the darkness.”

So this week I bring you “Struttin.” I can’t say for sure that this gentleman is drunk -- but he’s most assuredly on something. I couldn’t find any info about this video except that a Huntsville, Alabama reporter is trying to do a story and for whatever reason this passerby goes off about people that have to walk from place to place. As an Alabamian I’d like to point out that Huntsville IS one of our classier cities. Just keep that in mind. Now I’m off for a walk. Got to be struttin’ dat ass. Keep it sober, keep it safe and keep off camera.

This week I’m plugging away in a fantastic memoir by Norman Ollestad titled “Crazy for the Storm.” When Norman was 11 he was in a horrific plane crash that claimed the lives of his father, the pilot and his father’s girlfriend. Poor ole’ Norm had to make his way down the side of a mountain – nearly 5000 feet – to save his own life. It’s an incredibly good read. The writing style is a bit annoying, though. Mr. Ollestad must’ve also had a bad experience with quotation marks at some point in his life – because they are few and far between in this book. That took me a while to get comfortable with. Also the story isn’t told in a linear fashion. It jumps between the crash and different times in his childhood/events with his father. So don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The subject matter is excellent, though. It’s a story every father should read. The heart of the story is all about a relationship; an adrenaline junkie father and a son’s drive to please his dad no matter the costs. I highly suggest checking it out. It’s also a great window into that adrenaline junkie lifestyle if you yourself don’t live it. The author does an excellent job painting a portrait of the California coast and it’s bohemian lifestyle of the 1960′s. I thought it was fascinating.

My local library didn’t have this one in stock, but I was able to snatch a used Hardback copy from the Amazon Marketplace for less than $6. (And that included shipping.) The paperback and Kindle versions will run you about $10 new; and about $17 for a new hardback. I hope you enjoy it as much as I am. If you pick up a copy, give me a shout and let me know what you think.

Clem Snide covers Journey

My first real Star Wars experience came when they re-released the trilogy to theaters in the mid-90’s. I took a date to try and see Return of The Jedi and on the way I got pulled over for running a red light (Author’s Note: Do not drive a motor vehicle like you would a Podracer) and despite my attempts to get us there on time we still missed the movie. Oh, and I also got a $200 ticket. So Andrea, again I apologize and I sincerely hope you have finally overcome that traumatic night.

After that debacle and subsequently seeing the next Star Wars film on a mild-altering substance, I decided that George and I needed a break. But fate brought us back together at the release of The Phantom Menace. The newspaper I worked for in Germany wanted to cover release day, and it piqued my interest. I volunteered for the story and once again we danced the dance.

And I fell in love. I adored the new films. (I know, I know… Haters keep your comments to yourself.) I assumed after Episode 3 I was done with Star Wars. But I had a son. And the cycle started again.

It was all due to Lucas’s incredible marketing machine. There are all sorts of things Star Wars. Lunch-boxes, coffins, games, toilet paper; you just name it. Dylan’s particular pleasure was Star Wars: The Clone Wars on Cartoon Network. He loved it and it got him asking me all about Star Wars. For a child whose family had recently split up it was an entirely new World to escape in. Plus it was something special we shared in common. It was just ours – sister need not apply.

We submerged ourselves pretty deeply into the World of Star Wars. We bought Nintendo DS’s and two copies of the Lego Star Wars game. We’d watch a scene from one of the movies and then hop onto our DS and play the corresponding level together. But it’s about a lot more than just escapism. The movies have allowed us to have some awesome dialogue; relationships, good and evil, right and wrong, fathers and sons, split families, honesty. It’s bonded us on an entirely new level. And for that, I owe you greatly Mr. Lucas.

It’s amazing to me; I’m surrounded by happiness and what should make a person’s life fulfilled; a loving family, amazing children, incredible friends. But none of that makes a difference. One day I feel as if I’m finally on the path towards happiness. Then my brain switches, and I’m drowning in a sea of despair and unhappiness. And I think to myself – God please just let the ride end. There’s no worse torture than knowing and seeing what you want in your moments of sanity, but being unable to grab them.

It’s a vicious cycle fueled by self-medication, prescription drugs and my own mind. But I just can’t get hold of it. The mind is so powerful. I’ll make awful decisions; lose loved ones, damage relationships, damn near lose myself. But like a song on repeat the cycle continues. I want to stop it…but I can’t.

And here I am again today; after a day of bliss – of mania as a Psychiatrist would tell you – back on the low end of the spectrum. Wondering why I’m here, what my purpose is. It’d be so easy to disappear into nothingness. Life would be so much easier that way. But I can’t bring the shame of that unanswerable question upon my children and my friends. I can’t leave them asking why.

So I sit…a prisoner of my own mind: one day alive and moving 100 miles per hour, the next a recluse hardly willing to leave the bed. I don’t expect anyone to understand it. But it’s who I am. It’s the life I was born into. And one day I fear it will take me into a blackness that never ends.

In all honestly I should have made the change a long time ago. It’s not like I didn’t pay a price for this lifestyle. In my wake are failed marriages, ruined friendships, money problems, and God only knows how many dead brain cells. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Something in me clicked and I don’t want to be that person any longer.

Maybe it was watching my father nearly lose his life to heart problems. That was a sobering reality check for me. It certainly made me realize that I wasn’t as invincible as I thought. That in any given moment I could be gone. And there are a lot of things and experiences – adult experiences – I still want to have.

Perhaps it’s from being a father myself. Nearly losing my own dad has made me want to be an even better father for my own two children. Not the person I was; not the man who ran their mother off and lost himself in gallon after gallon of alcohol and bottle after bottle of pills.

Maybe I’m just now getting past many of the issues that held me back; an inability to let go, a penchant for living in the past, a silver tongue and quick wits that allowed me to bullshit my way through life.

However it happened, all I see now is future. The slate has been wiped clean and the World is my oyster. The question is what do I want to do with it? I want to rebuild my life back. Have a family, a successful career; be the kind of man and father that my father was. If I can be half the man he is and positively impact half as many people, I will have done something amazing with my time here.

A little background on my Uncle Bob; He was epileptic as a child and has myriad health problems including schizophrenia and the like. He never finished school and as such thinks and functions on about a 4th grade level or so. He lives in a garage we converted into apartment behind my home and I help to take care of him. Aside from his lack of social development he is also a bit of a junk collector and enjoys fighting against causes such as bathing, shaving, etc. Hygiene is not his strong suit.

Bob has never had any real family of his own and never dated. He’s only had a job or two his entire life. His existence has pretty much been doing what he wants and enjoys on his limited income. That involves watching cartoons, going to thrift stores and trying to figure out how create rockets or build his own solar panels. Grandiose plans…but they make him happy. Don’t feel bad for him, though. He has loved his life.

I also think that’s how he’s been able to live so much longer than his initial prognosis of 6 months left. That was more than 2 years ago. The lack of stress, of leaving anything, has really helped him.

But the last few weeks have been hard for him. And me. His suffering has become almost more than I can stand to watch. I am feeding him narcotics like they are Skittles – and he still rolls around in the floor writhing in pain. It’s ripping me apart emotionally.

What was most amazing was when he found out that the cancer had run its course – and he would be dead within a few weeks, he wanted to come and tell me personally. He was so worried whether I would be alright when he told me. He wasn’t even concerned about himself. He keeps checking on me, and asking me if I am okay…despite his own pain and limited time. He is truly an incredible person. And to say I am going to miss him would be an understatement.

I hope I can get him into Hospice or a nursing home soon. He needs more care than I can give him now. I am so scared I’m going to go to the grocery store or class only to come home and find him dead. No one should die alone…and suffer alone as much as he has.

I know he can tell how badly I am worrying and hurting for him. It’s remarkable he still cares more about me than himself. Despite his gruffness and wild look he is one of the most remarkable and sensitive people I know. I hope whatever happens he doesn’t suffer much more. And that he goes knowing how much I love and care for him. I just had no idea how terribly difficult it is to watch someone die this way. And I hope it’s a long time before I have to see it again.