If anyone has been interested in when and where I’ve been (and I know…no one has), then rest easy because I am alive and well. I return to tell you of my journey into a dark and lowly place – jail. That’s right. I was in the big house for a day or so and all I have to say about jail is that it’s as bad as I imagined. No, I take that back. It was worse than I imagined. I was a caged animal, but instead of being the biggest, toughest animal in the joint – I was simply the shortest, fattest and drunkest. That’s right. I got a DUI.

There’s no questioning it. I was stupid drunk. I believe the first thing I told the cop that pulled me over was “I am WAY to f#^king drunk to be driving!” I’m no expert, but I think that’s a pretty solid admission of guilt. Of course, if that wasn’t enough the .25% blood alcohol level I had was. One thing led to another (saying you’re drunk leads to handcuffs, which leads to a ride in a police car, then to a mugshot and finally a night in jail scared of losing my anal-virginity) and eventually I had to do the “stupid human tricks” as Todd Snider put it, and sleep on a concrete floor in what’s known as the “pink room.” All in all it was a learning experience and it’s not over yet!

I now start my rehabilitation. 24 hours of alcohol rehab classes, Mothers Against Drunk Driving classes, random drug and alcohol tests and much more! But it’s all better than going back to the slammer. I was only in for one day and I came out hard as steel nails.

Honestly though, this experience is a good thing. I was fortunate to be pulled over. I would have killed myself, or worse, someone else. I needed to clean up and this was really a wake-up call for me. Many thanks to everyone I’ve met through this process who has wished me well and helped me on my journey so far. It continues to be quite a trip.

Anyway, I’m back and on the road again. So I’ll talk to ‘ya soon!