Dear God, If I make it out with my anal virginity I will never do it again!

I have had the unique pleasure over the last few weeks of attending a Level 2 Substance Recovery Class courtesy of the fine state of Alabama. Every Sunday morning I get to go and sit with a strange and eclectic group of pot smokers, beer drinkers and a guy who got a public intoxication charge at a hot-air balloon festival.(He is at the bottom of our class hierarchy) I’m going to be honest – I dreaded attending this thing more than a 18 year-old girl does gaining the “Freshman 15.”

I was smashed when I received this sentence for a first-time DUI. Then again, I was also really smashed when I got arrested. This is probably why I am not nor ever will be a judge. But I have taken so much from this class – I have learned a great deal about myself by talking and listening – something that has never been my strong suit. I learned that it’s very, very easy to make one impressively bad decision and have that effect the rest of your life. But I have also learned that it is equally easy to make decisions to change yourself and get what you want out of life. Not to mention I have picked up random tidbits of knowledge from the wise musings of a few ex-cons who spent several years in prison.

1.There are many great, easy ways to make Meth – but doing so will most likely end up in you blowing yourself up or losing your teeth. Lesson Learned = Meth is bad for your future and your dental hygiene.

2. Making “Julip Juice” – aka Prison Wine – in the toilet of your cell will land you and everyone in your cell block 6 additional months if caught. Lesson learned = Do this and find yourself on the wrong end of a shank

3. Prison Food is not only unhealthy to eat but can be used as a weapon – if you turn your tray upside down the grits will not fall out. Lesson Learned = if the meanest SOB on your cell block steals your biscuit – grow eyes in the back of your head, he could kill you with it.

Of course, aside from this knowledge that I hope I, or any of you for that matter, never need to use in the Big House, I have actually learned some amazing things. I have tons of respect for my classmates and one in particular told me something yesterday that really got me thinking. Life is not something that happens to you, he told me. It is something that you make happen – just one tidbit of wisdom he spouted to me after 7 years of soul-searching in a federal prison.

And it is the most direct and accurate advice I have ever been given. He said it with such certainty and for good reason. He has changed his life, finished a degree and completely changed his world all despite being an ex-convict. I feel fortunate I don’t have to learn the same way he did. If there are things you want, goals you aim for, places and things you want to see and people you wish to find again – YOU have to do it. Sitting idly on the sidelines never helps win the game. If we wait for great things we will wake up one day and wonder what happened to life. Nothing in life is given to us – but it is all there for the taking.

I feel like a new person each and every day as I rebuild my life into what I want it to be. I wake up with such excitement and passion every morning. Each day is an adventure and a chance to get what I want. I didn’t think about this class in those terms. I could have gone and just sat through it and learned nothing – an opportunity lost. But instead, I grabbed life by the horns, embraced the course, and it has given me more lessons and tools in 2 months than I had learned over the last 29 years. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to dry out some Skoal so I can hand-roll some cigarettes out of it. Those trade 4 to 1 or so I’ve heard…

Warning: This drink has been know to cause sore buttholes with no recollection of how it happened.

Today officially makes it so long since I drank that I can’t even remember when I quit. I think that’s a good thing – I sure as hell feel better, but sometimes I sure do miss my old friend. Yes, I feel about 10,000 times healthier and better – and yes, I have lost a ton of weight – and yes, I have managed not to go to jail or have any run ins with John Q. Law – so all in all, I would say this little experiment in sobriety is going quite well. Everyone once in a while though, when life really kicks me in the twins I just have the strongest desire for something….I think tequila.

Of course, my arch nemesis (Mr. Jose Cuervo) hasn’t really done much to help accomplish things in my life. If I was looking for liquor that has ever benefited me I guess it would be Peppermint Schnapps (don’t even ask) – but honestly, I don’t need holes punched in my man card for walking around a University of Alabama tailgate party sipping schnapps. That’ll get your ass kicked – at least in this part of the country. I couldn’t imagine sitting in jail with murderers and rapists and being asked what you are in for:

“Open container – peppermint schnapps. This is my second time”

I would either never, ever shower in prison or absolutely refuse to use any kind of soap product I could drop. That’s almost as bad as going for littering. In the prison hierarchy, certain crimes just don’t win you a lot of respect. More specifically anything that involves a liquor frequented by women, crimes involving animals and the case of the robber who tried to knock over a store and left his phone number with the clerk so he could give it to the manager and have him call him back to open the safe.

I actually don’t need – and will not – drink again. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta – a sober one anyway. But life has been trying to push me around a little bit lately and I always seem to want to fall back to that old pattern. I have taken to replacing alcohol with a new vice – Diet Mountain Dew. I can’t tell you I get as buck wild juvenile as I once did, but it seems to work quite well. It was suggested I could drink near-beer (that’s the non-alcoholic brew), but again, I like my man card clearly stating that I do in fact have an “Ankle Dangler.”

Life is testing me like it does everyone. But alas, every day comes and goes and I am still here, mountain dew in hand. They should sell this stuff by the keg. It’d help scratch that itch. Of course, the Splenda hangover would be awful. But I wouldn’t have to worry about losing my anal virginity in the big house or waking up next to a complete stranger with a sore crotch. Ah, the good ole’ days – now that I think back about some of them, they don’t really sound all that good at all. What the hell was I thinking? Beso mi culo, Jose Cuervo. Verta a la verga!

"We are going to hate each others guts in 5 years," I whisper softly as I gaze into her evil eyes.

Relationships are the craziest thing in life. Crazier than a Girls Gone Wild video and meaner than dog crapping tacks – they can be the most painful, difficult, trying thing you’ll ever experience – the bad ones at least. It’s a strange phenomenon that occurs somewhere between being friends just hanging out and coitus. Yes, I said coitus – relations, maritals, the horizontal mambo – doing the deed if you will. This act changes everything.

What was once a productive, happy friendship often does a 180 degree turn. Why? Because you saw my beef bayonet and I saw your punani? What is it that changes? I’m not suggesting that we all get jiggy with each other whenever and wherever we want – however if that’s your thing my email is easily accessible via this site – I am just noting that sex can turn a relationship so quickly it’ll make your head spin. I wonder if this same kind of thing happens throughout the animal kingdom. I’d be interested in seeing Mama Bear bitching out Papa Bear for forgetting to put the top back on the honey jar.

I didn’t initially plan on writing about sex per se, but relationships in general – and how we change as people and grow apart. It scares the hell out of me. If we all continue to grow every day, how do you know that when you meet the “one” they won’t grow apart from you instead of growing together? Is it always a big toss up? Break-ups, separations and divorces are so difficult it makes me wonder if trying to have a serious relationship is even worth the hassle. Why do we lose sight of the person we met and loved and enjoyed spending time with? Did they change? Did I change? What year is it? Who left the toilet seat up? What happened to us?

I am a big boy so I can put blame where blame is due. I am a complicated man. I know my own faults and acknowledge and admit them freely (self deprecating humor rules!). Relationships are a two way street. I just always seem to end up with someone driving the wrong way. Or at least a handicapped driver that never gets where they are going because their Jeep never eclipses 15 miles per hour. (That’s 24.14 kilometers per hour for my foreign friends out there.)

I’ve been racking my brain for some kind of great closing paragraph, but so far… nil. I am just letting some thoughts flow out and doing a bit of venting this morning. I guess I am wondering how long I will suffer. How much misery can a person incur for making a bad relationship decision? Am I tainted forever? Is it possible to pick yourself back up, dust off and give it the ole’ college try one more time? I hope so.

Fortunately these things are all lessons to learn from. Perhaps Nietzsche’s old cliché, while overused, is true: what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Now I know what I want. It is just a matter of getting it.

Reading and Running Rule! Alliteration Too!

For those of you who read my blog, you know that I’ve been spending the last few months of my life reconstructing myself after a complete structural collapse. It’s an amazing and empowering process. Getting clean, rediscovering yourself – your likes and dislikes, your dreams and goals, finding old friends and repairing all the crap you managed to screw up when you were “tore up from the floor up” is amazing.

I have rediscovered several parts of myself that I wish I hadn’t. Probably running from those problems instead of confronting them is what got me so off kilter in the first place. But I have found quite a few more things about myself that I am thrilled about. Specifically there are two things I have been doing that I feel are making me a better human being. I share these in the hopes that you too can find some comfort, enjoyment, solace or even yourself through these activities.

The first is reading. Reading is an amazing way to learn a ton about the world around you and also yourself. As I once heard Will Smith say, “The idea that there are millions and billions of people who have lived before us, and they had problems and they solved them and they wrote it in a book somewhere. […] There is no issue we can have that somebody didn’t already write a thousand years ago in a book. […] You know it’s in a book somewhere but you’ve got to find the right one that is going to give you the proper information.”

Well said, Will. There are always books and stories you can relate to or that can guide you in the right direction. I personally use books not only as a way to enrich my life and mind but also as a means of escape. (In lieu of all the boozing I use to do) There’s nothing I enjoy more than sitting down and escaping into a world so far from my own. Side Note: Mad props to my homey Denise who just got me started on The Know It All, by A.J. Jacobs. It’s a phenomenal read.

The second thing you can do is run. Now, I know a lot of people hate running with a passion. But for me, running is not about being healthy. It allows me to focus my mind on things that are going on. I can work out problems and think about my day while I do it. It’s really like a form of meditation (which I also do daily and highly recommend no matter your religious affiliation). If your knees can’t take it, then consider swimming or some other aerobic activity. I love being one with the surroundings and having the wind in my face – I find it invigorating each day. Not to mention it’ll skinny you up quick. I also read another quote from Will Smith (this guy is a damn National Treasure) about running that went like this:

“When you get on the treadmill you deprive yourself of oxygen. What kind of person you are will come out very, very quickly. You’re either the type of person who will say you’re going to run three miles or you stop the treadmill at 2.94 and you hit it and you call 2.94 3 miles, or you get off after a mile, or you’re the type of person that runs hard through the finish line and when you get to 3.0 you realize, ‘God, I could really do 5,’ and you go ahead and do two more. And that little person talks to you and says, ‘Man, do you feel our knee? We should stop. I feel we should stop ourselves right now. This is not healthy anymore.’ When you learn to get command over that person on that treadmill, you learn to get command over that person in your life.”

What kind of person are you? I’m sure you use tools in your own lives to improve yourself and your quality of life. Whether they are types of meditation, exercise or relaxation, I’d like to know what is it everyone does to better themselves. I’m always looking for more tools to use in this on-going process. See you on the trail, book in hand!

Amazing Books I Have Read Lately

The Bottoms, Joe R. Landsdale

The Accidental Buddhist, Dinty W. Moore

Rocket Boys, Homer Hickam

The Sign of Four, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Once You’re Lucky, Twice You’re Good, Sarah Lacy

All Over But The Shoutin’, Rick Bragg

Key Weird, Robert Tacoma

How To See Yourself As You Really Are, His Holiness The Dali Lama

I generally shy away from posting anything political – but I figure this doesn’t really count since it is the greatest thing ever made. Combine the masterful political prose of Barack Obama with the touching, powerful vocals and musicianship of Rick Astley and you get this: The BarackRoll. Quick question – is it just me, or do Rick Astely and I favor? Anyway, the point is: For my people out there – I’m never gonna give you up. Just know that.

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A little help, please?

My brother was banging on my door yesterday morning. Loudly.

“I’ve got a serious problem!”

I took him at his word as we haven’t been on much of speaking terms for the last few months. I figured, if he decided something warranted his speaking up, I should at least listen.

“What the hell, man?” I asked. “I’m talking with my lady friends.” Alright, maybe I wasn’t – but there’s never anything wrong with saving a little face in the light of unpleasant circumstances – i.e. a recent divorce. “This had better be good.”

“Just go out and look at my car,” he replied.

So, with a keen interest in how big a pain in my ass this “serious problem” was going to be I moseyed out the front door and this is what I saw.

Lodged helplessly in a small section the grill of his 1996 Geo Prism is a squirrel. A helpless little furry critter that, to my amazement, was not only alive but highly aggravated. While not Dr. Doolittle, I surmised this info by the rapid pumping of claws and angered squealing that was being directed at yours truly.

“What the &^*&!” I yelled. I approached with caution, as I have been told that an upset squirrel is only surpassed in danger and anger by an upset woman. As any blogger would do, I first photographed the situation – for evidence, accident reconstruction or posterity. Besides, it’s what cops do, so I figured I was following protocol at this point.

Apparently my brother had hit the little fur ball on a venture into the city. Thinking, as most people would, that he had put that little tree dweller down for a dirt nap he continued about his business. Lo and behold, much to his amazement, when he stopped for some liquid refreshment at the local 7-11, he found his passenger attached to the grill of his ride.

Being the animal lover he is – he decided at that point that in lieu of removing said creature from grill, he should come see the older brother about this problem. After all, what is family for if not times of need: like when there is a live friggin’ squirrel attached to the front of your car like a mechanical hood ornament.

As he told me – “It was a long ride. People kept honking and trying to get my attention. An old man on his front porch nearly fell over. So I just gave him a thumbs-up, thus indicating that yes, I realize there is a live animal on the front of my car as I drive 65 miles per hour down the highway.” I can only imagine what must have been going through that squirrels mind over those many miles. I would venture it was something along the lines of…

“HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!, etc. etc.”

Ummmm...no way.

After much quiet contemplation and inner dialogue I asked myself the pertinent question. WWSID? What Would Steve Irwin Do? Then however, I thought better of that idea – mainly because Steve Irwin is currently managing the petting zoo at that big ole’ Animal Sanctuary in the sky.

So I did what any normal person would. I decided to remove this nuisance with the implements of destruction (gardening) that we all have around the house – namely, a shovel and a hoe. Well, Mr. Squirrel saw this coming and let out many shrieks of horror. As did I. And perhaps my brother. But in the end I freed him and I thought all would be well. So, imagine my shock and awe when upon a subsequent trip outside (Yes, I had gone back inside to tell my lady friends of the exploits of Russell Crowe, Animal Savior) I find that Mr. Squirrel hasn’t moved despite being quite alive. Perhaps it was the broken back that was limiting his mobility. There were to be few tree climbings or nut-hunting forays in his future.

Problem #2 – “What are you going to do?” asks brother who is now causing me more problems than I need before I have had at least 3 coffees. I am now faced with a moral dilemma. I am not a huge animal guy. If this was a pet, I would take it to a veterinarian. But a random squirrel? They are a dime a dozen. Hell. This was natural selection at its best. I knew what must be done. Shovel? Gun? Anti-Freeze?

I had to think fast as the neighborhood cats had taken notice of the Christopher Reeve of squirrels – and I figured anything was better than being mauled while defenseless by a miniature tiger. That’s not how I want to go. Although, neither is death by shovel.

So   I did what had to be done. With a heavy heart, a belly full of yogurt and a cup of coffee in one hand I became The Grim Reaper’s Dirty Little Assistant. I just told myself that perhaps this was a terrorist squirrel and he was trying to figure out ways to disrupt traffic patterns and make everyone either:

1. Late for Work or

2. Force some kind of major traffic accident

While this only slightly eased my guilt, I managed to do my duty as a man and as a Alabamian. (I have learned that being from Alabama and driving a truck automatically makes you qualified for situations that involve life and death – animals, people, etc., you are expected to have something in your truck box to fix any situation) Before you ask, no I did not use the shovel. It was simply used for disposal. How did I do it? I’ll save that information for me alone. I’ll take that to my own grave.

As I finished my cigarette I pondered the meaning of life. But that made my head hurt. I went in, sat down, sipped my coffee and told my lady friends all about it – about how I saved the cute little critter from his agony and pain. Maybe I left out the part about going to heaven courtesy of my hands. That doesn’t sound like the kind of thing chicks dig. After all, I too am just a squirrel trying to get a nut.

It's Russell's World, Party-Time, Excellent!

I had what most people might consider a non-traditional upbringing. Sure, I had two parents who loved me and provided as best they could (which was tough since they were schoolteachers), but I was an unusually tough case. An aspiring musician, I was playing in bars on The Strip all night by the age of 16 and trying to get myself to class in one piece and sober each Thursday and Friday morning. Crashing on couches, travelling the country, making money, meeting beautiful older college girls and lying about my age and playing guitar all night for hundreds and hundreds of people – it was a wild ride. But I needed a change. So I joined the military where strangely enough, I once again found myself trying to get up and to work each morning in one piece and sober.

Do the decisions we make when we are young, wild and carefree affect the rest of our lives?The age old question – Is it nature or nurture? Have I struggled with responsibility because I was a wild, rough around the edges 17-year-old? Or was I just born this way? I thought joining the armed forces would discipline me a little more. Honestly, it just honed my drinking and partying skills to the point I could have won competitions. I threw down so hard in Germany, and did so many things I regret still, that I was actually glad to get on that jet out of Europe. Of course, my next assignment in Panama City, Florida didn’t help calm me down much. I was in to that place like a hobo on a ham sandwich.

And here I am now, 10 years and two wives later – still struggling everyday to break those old chains that bind. I feel a bit like Hank Williams, Jr. – all my rowdy friends have settled down. But I’m still here – the Energizer bunny of good times. I look around and I AM the party these days. It’s as if there was a pack of wild mustangs running free and one by one they got wrangled up. Suddenly I look around and it’s just me running the range.

Maybe that’s a sign it’s time to change. Maybe I have officially gotten too old for this life. But I feel so young at heart still – so wild and carefree. And I am having the time of my life. It’s not my reality to think I’ll ever be that guy with the 9-5 job and a big house and nice car. Or the guy coaching little league baseball and hauling the kids around all evening. I guess you are who you are no matter how hard you try to change.

That’s not too say I haven’t calmed down some. If it’s illegal I don’t do it anymore. I’ve ingested and tried just about everything there is to try at least once. These days I leave that fun for the younger generation. Most people sit back and reminisce about their hay-day: being 17 and using fake ID’s, drinking with friends in the woods, hooking up with guys or girls they dug on, chiilin in pool halls, drinking nickel beers in the bars after class or hanging out in the dorms with buddies. I still stay up all night and play music in bars. I still break hearts and take names. Right or wrong I am still living that life. And probably will be until they day I die.

The streets of San Fransisco weren’t particularly nice to Chris Gardner. He saw life’s up and downs. Chris was a salesman struggling to make a living and support his son. He had a dream and a goal. But pursuing that goal proved incredibly difficult. Despite struggling with homelessness and hunger, he stuck with his plan and gave everything he had to bettering his life for himself and his family. And it worked. Now a self-made millionaire and motivational speaker, Gardner (whose story has been told in the Will Smith film The Pursuit of Happyness) achieved not just “The American Dream,” but built the life he wanted for himself.

Sometimes we have to reach and grasp for the impossible despite the odds. It’s easy to say a goal is unattainable. Excuses abound: “I am too old,” “I don’t have the money,” or “There’s not enough hours in the day.” But the truth is we prioritize what’s important and anything is possible if we dedicate ourselves to it. Change is the catalyst for making these dreams reality. But change scares most of us.

We get comfortable in our lives and surroundings and don’t realize anything is possible, or just don’t want to work to change them. A friend of mine who is a social worker was discussing this with me, in terms of abusive relationships. People become trapped and go back over and over again. It’s a vicious cycle. But we control our own destiny. We live in a country where we have the opportunity to become whatever or whoever we wish to. It’s an opportunity I won’t let go to waste.

Every day we should make a change – no matter how big or small. I think that’s what keeps us alive. Yesterday I decided I am moving to San Antonio to further pursue dreams that I had left behind. Is it scary? Sure. But it is equally exciting and fulfilling. Remember – it is never too late. Ask yourself: Am I living or simply surviving? Fight your fears and listen to your heart. You know yourself better than anyone. Follow your dreams, even if they take you off the beaten path. You’ll be a better and happier person for it. Don’t make excuses and don’t put it off until later. Later may never come.

I have been making huge changes everyday in my life and things are always fun, exciting and fantastic. I hope you can have the same kind of life. Go down the paths your heart leads you no matter how difficult they may seem. As Robert Frost famously wrote: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

Chris Gardner found happiness despite facing some of the most difficult obstacles life could throw at him. We should all hope to be so lucky. Or rather, we should work as hard as Chris to get what we want from life. No matter how cliched it may sound, remember that it is the journey – not the destination that matters most.

The Olympic Games are now over and thankfully, everyone has returned home – or in Michael Phelps case, back to his tank at Sea World. But with myriad events vying for you attention across multiple streams and television stations, did you get to see everything you wanted? Did you miss the discus? Or perhaps you weren’t able to catch that 3000-meter steeplechase. Maybe you just couldn’t roll out of bed early enough to catch the last round of solo synchronized swimming. Well fear not fellow couch dweller. Here is the only thing you missed that was actually worth seeing this Olympics.

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Mejora Carter went on a run through her South Bronx neighborhood and found a gold mine. Amidst all the pollution, trash, factories and plants – she found a narrow piece of waterfront property. Her dream to turn that tiny parcel into a park grew more rapidly than she ever could have imagined. Due to her drive, ambition, motivation and constant effort not only did her dreams come to fruition, but they outgrew even what she had imagined possible.

This is a fascinating story about what we as people can accomplish. I got me thinking. What are we doing with our lives? Are we where we wanted to get? Have you reached the peak? Or are you still climbing and holding on for dear life? No matter the answer, the question remains: What are we doing to help others achieve those same dreams? To even realize they are possibilities? Are we providing a service or a piece of ourselves that will mean something one day? Those are the questions I ask myself all the time.

What am I doing to help people? Because through that act of generosity – of lending my unique dreams, ideas , visions and skill sets I will also be helping myself. I write all the time about bettering myself and accomplishing my goals. one of my goals is to help others. What will leave a lasting impression and/or effect on people, and perhaps, change the world? Can I really contribute and make a difference?

I think the answer is yes. However I’ll never know until I try. I think we all have a moral obligation and responsibility to make the world a better place for our fellow human beings. To share the opportunities we have with others. We need to all combine our vast talents and resources and do what we can to fight the problems that face us: diseases, hunger, education and so much more. The world today is more globalized than ever. We are all interconnected – not just through shared human experiences anymore, but by technology. As I heard a wise Imam once say, we are all brothers and sisters from the same family. I can’t stand by and not help any longer.

The longest of journeys starts with a first step. For Mejora Carter it was a simple jog through and impoverished neighborhood. Hopefully the last mouse click you made has now started you on your journey as well.