Whoever said kung-fu should onle be used for for self-defense was a fool. Check out Bruce Lee tearing up a ping-pong game using only a pair of nun-chuks. If this doesn’t make you a bad-ass I don’t know what does.

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Today has been difficult. Thanksgiving without your children is a special pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I’m sure I could have gotten them tonight. But actually it might have made the pain worse. Looking around at families playing in the yard, spending time together, enjoying each other’s company is akin to sticking a knife in my gut and twisting it slowly. I have a hard time explaining the pain in my life to most people. A divorce and the loss of your children is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Especially around the holidays. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

It’s something that you internalize so much. Instead of giving thanks today, I have sat and contemplated myself. Is there something wrong with me? What happened? Where did I go wrong? It’s enough to make you want to crawl in a hole and slowly wither away. I have never lost a close relative – a mother, father or sibling. But I can’t help but think it would be similar to this feeling I have today. And I feel oddly like there’s no one to talk with about it. There are people that care, and are concerned, and try to sympathize. But no one knows what I’ve been through. So I keep so much of it inside. I am finding myself feeling as if I might be starting in a new relationship with a very cool person, but those unanswered questions loom in my mind. Is it me? Will I make the same mistakes? Do I even know what those mistakes are? It’s hard to feel like you can adapt and change when you aren’t sure what you did wrong the first time around.

So here I am on a day of giving thanks, simply feeling sorry for myself – wondering what road in life landed me here. It’s not a bad place. But it’s sure a challenging one. I know there are brighter pastures ahead, and for that I am thankful. And for all the things that got me here. It’s been a long winding road. I just keep driving it. I have the greatest children in the world, and am surrounded by people that love and care for me. Even my ex-wife. I have taken something from all of them and learned so much about myself. The fact God has allowed me to be here still, to have this precious time to write about my experiences and live this amazing life, is what I am most thankful for. I have known so many people who aren’t here anymore to treasure this existence. We are never given more than we can handle. God pushes and tests us. A first Thanksgiving without my children is a tough test. But I will pass. And tomorrow will come. And I’ll keep traveling that long winding road – thankful for the opportunities and friendships, and love and beauty that is everywhere in this world.

I found myself going through old photos the other day. Life never ceases to fascinate me. The things we hang onto; the hopes, dreams, failures, misfortunes. The people we are come so much from our experiences and the people we surround ourselves with. But those memories we keep and treasure that are so dear to us – just like the pages of a book, slowly fade over time.  And all that’s left are pictures.

I’m thankful for those pictures. They took me back to a place, a moment in time when I was so sure of myself and my life and what was going to happen to me. I realize now though that I was simply a cocky, young kid, who thought he could grab the world by the tail and put it in his pocket. This whole place was my oyster. But as I get older I know that’s not the case. I’m simply a passenger tagging along for the ride.

I realize I can make a difference, and the roads and paths I choose have an effect on my life – and on those people that are around me. I look at those pictures now and see that I wasn’t really as cocky as I tried to appear to be. Whether it was flying into Bosnia with flares and chaff going off all around me, or sitting on a TARMAC in Albania wondering if I’d make it back home – what I really was, was just a scared little kid. And a lot of days I still am. If you thought I looked scared in that old black and white photo from Kosovo – you should have seen it in color.

There’s a wedding picture of my ex-wife and I that caught my attention. I was looking at it subjectively the other day. It’s supposed to be the happiest day of your life. But I was so scared. We were a couple of kids with no idea what we were getting into. We were too busy living for the moment, acting without thinking, telling ourselves we could make it work. We were young…and foolish. That picture is such a front to what life was really like. It was full of uncertainty, of worry and doubt. If I look nervous – you should have seen it in color.

So what am I now? Scared but hopeful. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. I never do. I enjoy the journey – but never knowing the destination…it keeps me on edge. I don’t have the right to complain. I have had a wonderful life. I do what I love everyday. I spend every second enjoying the world around me. But there’s always that little voice in my head that tells me it can all be stripped away in the blink of an eye. And then it’s back to the drawing board.

But I guess that’s what life is all about – reinventing yourself to adapt and survive situations. It’s natural selection at its best. You either get busy living or get busy dying. And I have been learning from a new friend that we are perhaps all on a path towards a destination that IS known…just not to us. That little piece of knowledge has gone a long ways in making me feel better. Maybe God is just leading me through trials and tribulations to get me to the place I am supposed to be. I doesn’t mean I’m not scared as hell, but it gives me peace of mind. Sometimes you have to just turn over your problems and know that there is something bigger, more powerful than you that has plans for your life.

I look at a black and white photo of my first band – a Christian rock band…and I realize I wasn’t scared then. Ever. I was completely at ease. I think I was doing something that I knew was right. I felt so at peace, at ease, surrounded in the knowledge that what I was doing meant something. It had value. It had meaning. I look at that photo and I was so happy. You should have seen it in color.

Fall is breathtaking. Watching the changing colors of the leaves and getting that first chill from the Autumn air, seeing your breath as you exhale – it’s almost like the weather is mimicking life.

I watch my children play in the falling leaves amidst the yellows, reds, browns and greens of autumn – the smiles on their faces – and I am reminded that everything is changing every day, all around us. What seems like an eternity away, will one day soon be just another fall afternoon filled with the smell of burning leaves, littered with pumpkins on doorsteps and Friday night high-school football games wrapped in blankets, sipping hot chocolate. And one day, much too soon, my kids won’t be playing in those leaves anymore. It will be their children.

As I sneak up upon my 30^th birthday, I realize more clearly that it all goes by so fast. From watching the World Series with my dad when I was a little boy, to Halloween with friends in Germany to now seeing my own kids enjoy the mild temperatures – it’s as if I just woke up from a long slumber. What once were such clear moments in my mind have faded like old photographs. So many times I thought tomorrow would never come, or I couldn’t survive a crisis in my life. But the moments always passed, the sun always rose and another fall has always dawned on me.

I feel more and more like one of those beautiful leaves slowly making it’s descent towards the ground. It starts with a bud that then blossoms into a leaf due to nurturing and growth. It survives the storms and rains and winds all the while getting older. Then, when it is time, it falls gracefully towards the Earth, landing wherever the winds of change see fit. And then, before you realize it – Spring has sprung and the process starts all over again, and hopefully we have learned something about ourselves and our world that will help us enjoy the next Fall that much more.

One day in a future that will be here before I know it, I will sit in front of a fireplace, with my children and grandchildren, and think back on all these Autumn days – the days when I turned 10, 16, 20, 30 and I will tell the stories of my tree – the branches that were the decisions I made and the leaves I have shed. And when I am old and gray, and all the leaves have fallen, my time here will be up. And then I can lie down and dream – of all those Autumn afternoons and the smiling faces of my children, rolling in those yellow, red, brown and green leaves.

One minute she was sitting behind a steering wheel, madly in love with her boyfriend – planning a future rich with a huge wedding, three children, house warming parties and trips to Panama City Beach. And then, one second later, she was gone.

Tim went to work the swing shift at the video store to support his son. “Life isn’t easy for a single dad,” he would tell me. But he made sacrifices. He and his coworkers laughed, talked about girls and their plans for the weekend. And then, a man came in with a gun, blindfolded them and took them in the back. Tim was gone.

Eric seemed like your average teenager – he would ride his skateboard and listen to his favorite bands. But he hid something – something none of us will ever be able to help him with. Because one afternoon he decided he didn’t want to be here anymore …and just like that…he was gone.

Life is so precious. Every minute we have is a gift. A time to treasure friends, family, sunsets and sunrises – to have that feeling you get when you hold your newborn child for the first time, or to feel the sweet satisfaction of achieving your goals and seeing your dreams become realities. To experience that numbness you get from a first kiss, or the joy of finding a long, lost love.

I want to love and laugh and live life to it’s fullest. I want to dream and achieve. I want all of you to come with me – to be by my side and see the beauty too. I don’t want to die with regrets – with what should have been. I beg you to enjoy your life and the time you have – it’s the most precious gift you have ever been given. Find the beauty in whatever it is you do. If you are unhappy – change. Don’t lose yourself. Cry, laugh, love, think, become a piece of that beauty in the world every single day. Don’t survive – live – for this moment, this very second and know that each and everyone of you are pieces in the mosaic of beauty I see everyday.