I am sick with anticipation today. My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing and I can’t seem to sleep a wink. It’s not like I have a big test to take…or maybe I do. Tonight I reunite with my ex-wife to do something. I’m not really sure what we are calling this. But apparently we are going out with her friends from work. Is it a date? Just hanging out together? Who knows…and who cares, really. I’m just happy to be able to spend time with her.

I'm just like this....except replace the chick with a dude.

Why in the world am I so nervous? I feel like a school kid again. I mean honestly, I know this woman better than anyone else on the planet. Am I scared of rejection or how much has changed in our year apart? Or maybe it’s just the weird convergence of our old lives coming full-circle into our new ones. Whatever it is it’s got me pacing floors like I am going on a first date again. And I suppose, in a way I am.

All the things I wasn’t when we were married – all the parts of me I lost in our relationship – are now back. I know she missed those pieces of me also. I don’t want to lose them again. I want to be the man I vowed I would always be to her…married or not. I let that slip away for a while and I payed dearly for it. But I never stopped loving her, caring for her…and being there whenever she needed me. I always will be.

I guess it’s just normal to be nervous on a date with a beautiful, intelligent woman. I took her for granted before and lost that edge. I stopped treating her like a girlfriend and started treating her like a wife. I took her for granted. I promise that won’t happen again. Here’s to second chances and fresh starts….sweaty palms and all.

What an interesting few months it’s been. My 2009 has most assuredly been different from 2008 – not exactly what I had in mind, but interesting nonetheless. I feel like he last 12 months have just flown by. I can’t believe March is almost here already. Things have just been so crazy and hectic in my life the last year or so. This emotional journey I have been on is finally starting to take its toll on me. While I am definitely wiser for the times…I also am more tired too.

Lower the gear...I'm coming home.

All the emotional highs and lows, the ups and downs, deep thinking and discovery I’ve had to do has finally caught up with me. It dawned on me that I’ve only been sleeping six hours or so per night…or day, depending. There’s no telling when I might be awake or asleep. I might wake up and – like tonight – decide to write a blog at 2 am. The emotional stress has actually caused me a few physical problems as well. Stress can do that, though. My eating habits are so odd. It’s gotten to where I only eat PB&J’s because that’s all my fragile stomach can handle. (It’s alright because much like the video tells us…It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time!)

The weird part is that my life is really turning out to be great. The last couple of months have been phenomenal. But the odd habits and health issues persist. I feel like the Captain of a Big Ole’ Jetliner – so this is me officially radioing in for landing.

Russell To Control: I’m lowering my wheels and trying to get back on level ground. Let’s slow this flight down for a bit. I’m thankful I’ve made it back home, black box intact. Control – I just need to resupply, gas back up, get a little rest and then it’s back into the wild blue yonder.

With myriad activities and technologies competing for each and every waking hour of the day it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Sometimes we choose consciously to give something up. Maybe we can’t fit in that weekly dinner with friends anymore, or perhaps our work schedule changes and that poker night with the boys is just impossible. It happens. Hell – sometimes we just grow tired of things. Such was the case with television for me.

I know, I know. No television? I’m not sure how it happened really. I had tough rotating work hours, kids and a wife to spend time with, etc., etc. But for whatever reason I went a VERY long time sans TV. Since I have moved to Atlanta I have gotten back into television though – almost religiously. There are some great shows on the air right now. I hope and pray they don’t get canceled anytime soon (another reason I get pissy with television networks). I thought maybe I’d share a few of them with you.

I think my favorite show on right now is Chuck. You can catch it a 7 pm CST every Monday. Chuck is hard to explain, but to sum it up quickly; there was a supercomputer that held every piece of classified and government info in the U.S. It got zapped into Chuck’s brain. So now he IS the computer. He has a CIA and FBI agent that protect him…but he essentially is a spy now. (On top of his job at the Best Buy-esque store) Great acting and writing make his an awesome show.

Members of the cast of Life.

A close second is a show called Life. Life is about a cop who was wrongly convicted (he was set-up, actually) of murder and spent 10-years in Prison before DNA evidence won him his freedom. Needless to say, he had a rough go of it in the big house. He only survived by becoming a Zen Buddhist. Now that he’s free he has returned to being a detective – so each week Detective Cruise is busy solving murders and trying to figure out who it was that set him up. This show has great music and AWESOME supporting actors. Check out Life on Wednesday nights.

Lastly I will mention Psych – which airs every Friday night on USA. Most people are ahead of me on this show. It just finished up its 4th  season and is amazing. It’s about two “psychic detectives” who aren’t really psychic at all. This show has the wittiest dialog ever. It is so well written and acted.

Those are just a few of my favorites – I also try to stay up on Burn Notice, Fringe, Battlestar Galactica and more. Right now is a great time to be a fan of television programming. Maybe I’m just making up for my hiatus from the idiot box, but it’s so much fun.

If you can’t catch your favorite shows when they air in prime time and you still haven’t upgraded to a DVR, there are actually several LEGAL websites now that carry a large number of shows. My favorite is Hulu.com, but I also enjoy Sidereel. Anyway, that’s just something for you to chew on.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got popcorn to eat and a LOT to watch.

“Time…don’t let it slip away. Raise your drinking glass – Here’s to yesterday” – Steven Tyler

I have finally found happiness in this world. It has taken me a very, very long time – but I realize now what it was. All these little decisions I have made – moving to Atlanta, changing my patterns and routines, getting back to doing the things (like playing and writing music) I love– are the keys to my happiness. I am so glad to have found myself again. It wasn’t about new discovery – but reconnecting with things I had lost.

Most importantly though – I realized that all the things in my past, both good and bad, are a part of who I am today. I spent so much time running from those things or trying to pretend they never happened that they were actually hampering my current growth. But I’ve come to terms with those things now, and that has allowed my heart to be open and free. It’s not about money or status or a job title – living is all about accomplishing the goals you’ve set for yourself and growing and learning each day. My ex-wife has taught me that lesson. I’m not sure she did it on purpose – but thank you. I’d tell you that I owe you one…but that would be a drastic understatement. I owe you more than I could ever repay.

So I’ll raise my glass to yesterday – to the people, places and events that make me who I am today. And the things I learn and do today will make me who I am tomorrow. That’s the beauty of living.

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Reconciliation – it’s a term I thought I never wanted to hear. What “was” is just that – the past. But I got the call I thought I would never get from my ex-wife a few days ago. It was all about reconciling, about trying pick up where we left off. Trying to right the wrongs and fix what was broken before.

I thought after all I had been through – so much anger and hurt, that I would immediately shoot down any such idea or plan. But honestly it intrigues me. Clearly there was something there before, and there always will be. Can we get past some of the hurtful things that were said? Am I just setting myself up for more hurt? How will my children handle it? Am I just the fall-back guy? My head is littered with these thoughts and questions.

Mainly though I have to decide if this is the right move for me. I can’t go back to being the person I was then. Clearly if I take this path we’ll probably need to see a counselor. Hell, I might need to see a counselor right now. But the love I have for Heather has never gone away. It’s still right where it was. Maybe the split was just what we needed to make us realize what we had and appreciate each other.

First things first, though – I’ve got to finish working on myself. I know I have to get myself to the place I want and need to be before I can really focus on someone else. Still I am just so shocked, scared, excited and confused all at once about what’s happening. It’s a little like what I wrote about yesterday…there are so many tough adult decisions in life. I just hope I make the right one; for myself, my children and my ex-wife. The only thing I know for sure is that I’ve missed her.

First off henceforth I shall be known as Marshall Banana. I assume most of you aren’t anime fans, so the reference will be lost on you. However even if you aren’t an anime fan (and I wasn’t until recently) I highly suggest checking out the series Cowboy Bebop. It’s anime for “Westerners” or so I have been told. It’s an awesome series that’s roughly 26 episodes with a movie thrown in for good measure. I realize Marshall Banana sounds like a porn name, but I assure you it is not. I’m not making this up.

I’ve been in Atlanta for a month or so now and I am really enjoying myself here. I got in trouble not long ago with a city dweller for saying I live in “Atlanta,” when I actually live in Gwinnett County – out in the ‘burbs. But it’s big city as far as I’m concerned. What’s great about this city is that they have everything here. If there’s something I’m interested in or want to do – no matter how specialized – someone here is doing it. The only major drawback I have found would have to be the traffic.

An 8-mile round trip to the nearest QT (the greatest gas station in the world!) can easily take 30 minutes or longer especially if attempted during peak traffic hours. Not to mention people here get some serious road rage. Also, the traffic can dictate some of the activities.

As I mentioned, they have everything here. But if I am forced to drive almost 2 hours to the other side of Atlanta to get where I’m going it’s suddenly no longer worth it. I manage, though.

I have been desperately seeking a great job – and have my feet in the fire for several awesome opportunities. Plus there are some very cool looking educational opportunities here. The technical school has a couple of computer and medical fields that look awesome! And tuition in the great state of Georgia is dirt cheap. Take that Alabama! And thank you lottery.

Anyway – more to come soon. Hopefully I’ll get a couple blogs posted soon. The crappy Comcast man disconnected my Internet while turning someone else’s service on this morning. And they aren’t coming back to fix this mistake for 24 hours. Wish me luck with that.

See ya soon,
Marshall Banana

I sit and daydream often. I dream of a time when I walked and didn’t crawl. I think back to a time when I was upright instead of down on all fours; back to a place where the wonder and mystery of life was overwhelming – a place and time when I held the world in my hands and there was no such thing as a wrong decision. Maybe it was ignorance, arrogance or just a lack of real world experience that made anything possible. I miss that. I miss the naiveté that I had even 10 years ago.

But now I know – after 30 years – that for everything I think I have lost, I have gained so much more in return. I realize now that for each mountain we climb – each trial and tribulation we survive – the rewards are both immense and amazing. The loss of one love simply gave me two more precious pieces of life. The loss of a friend only made me appreciate the friends I have still here with me that much more.

And that’s the benefit of being an adult – to see both sides of a story. To know that with every yin there is a yang; for every Barney there is a Andy. It’s the struggle for balance, making those tough choices, that define us as people and make our individual stories unique. It can be scary and daunting. But the longer I am here the more I realize that’s what being an adult is. Life is a long line of tug and war – sometimes we fall in the water and sometimes we stay dry. But as long as we get up and continue to tug, good things are ahead.

Keep pulling with me folks. There’s so much treasure not just at the end of this rainbow – but all along the way.