I'm still chasing my dreams like fireflies...

I wish I could tell you what happened. I wish I knew what it was that seems to make me cursed in love. But I don’t know. Believe me; if I did I would change it. As fast as my ex-wife wanted to reconcile, she ended it before we had even really started again. A lot of my friends seem to think I should be bitter or angry about what happened to me…but I’m not. I still want the one thing I have wanted for the last 8 years of my life – since the first time I ever saw her; for her to be happy. Regardless if I’m with her or not, her happiness is what’s most important to me.

I think that’s what unconditional love is. My ex-wife doesn’t have to be with me, but I can’t stand the thoughts of her being unhappy. Don’t get me wrong, this experience has hurt. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it was reopening a cut that I had finally closed. I feel as if I’ve almost bled out. But I have learned a lot about myself, about love and now about forgiveness. I didn’t necessarily get what I wanted out of the last month or so of my life – but I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt I got what I needed. I don’t believe in coincidence or happenstance; I went into this experience thinking I would get my wife back and that this was meant to be.

But what I got was a lesson in true love and humility. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. And here I am – back in Atlanta, sitting in the exact seat I was in 30 days ago. It’s almost as if I hit some kind of time warp and was transported for a month of my life and suddenly here I am again, beamed back to where I was sitting almost as if I dreamt it all. It’s really kind of surreal.

I don’t know what exactly I’m going to do with myself at this point – I have an idea where I want to get…but I have to try and figure out the best way to get there. In that respect, leaving this city and walking away from my life was quite detrimental. But life is all about risks and chances. I learned that I am not what she wants – and as a hard a pill as that is to swallow, it’s something I have to deal with. Now that we both know that for sure I have to reclose that cut and press forward with my life – for myself and my children.

So here I am rebuilding…again. I know I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and get to where it is I am headed. The road to that place is just so different than I ever expected it to be. So it’s time to stop focusing on what might have been. I’m once again setting the past behind me and chasing my dreams like a little boy chases fireflies against an Alabama night sky; one at a time, jumping as high as he can to grab them.

It’s always awesome to be around family. Well….not so much my parents. Don’t get me wrong; they are great people whom I love to death, but they can drive me batty if I spend too much time around them. I was actually talking about Dylan and Kylie – my two best friends in the world. Since I am sitting here in Tuscaloosa just killing time until the new casa in Anniston is ready this Friday, I decided to bring Dylan home with me for a few days until we head back for church Wednesday night.

My wife and children give me such purpose, motivation and meaning. They are amazing gifts from God.

It’s truly amazing how much clarity I get from spending time with a 4-year old. The unconditional love he has for me, the way he looks up to me and always tries to make me proud is so life affirming. I spent so much time away from my children over the last year I had forgotten how incredible they are. I thought that running from them and their mother – getting distance and separation – would allow me to forget about what had happened; to pretend it never existed and just move ahead with my life. Trust me, that didn’t work. It made my soul restless. It kept me lying awake at night. After spending my entire life running from problems and feelings I had finally found something I couldn’t escape; love at its most basic, true form.

Having my son and daughter around gives my life purpose, reason and motivation. I lacked all that when they were gone. I’m not sure how I ever made it 25 years without them. Everything I try to do is to better their lives and give them opportunities I never had. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. They absolutely have the most amazing woman as a mother also. The fact that she married me the first time still flabbergasts me. I can’t at all understand why she wants me back after all I put her through. She’s just that special. She is without a doubt a gift from God. And it shows in my children. They have her generosity, her inquisitiveness and thankfully for them her stunning beauty. But most importantly they ground me and make me see what’s important in life just like she does. A man couldn’t ask for three better best friends to grow old with. And that’s what I realized laying here with Dylan watching him nap.

It’s like the old Japanese Proverb that says “When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.” My family is my best friend; and they make me look so much better than I deserve. I try every minute of every day to make decisions that honor, love, respect and reciprocate all that they give me. I love each of them so much more than I can ever show or tell them. But I will spend my lifetime trying.

It’s been a really tough week thus far emotionally for me. I mentioned the reconciliation discussion last Sunday (see my previous blog) and ever since then I have been really confused if what we are doing was the right thing. Marriages are complicated – heck, any kind of relationship has its ups and downs. I have been down on my hands and knees in prayer about my family and better half all week. The only time I seem to have had any clarity has been when I am praying or running.

I want us to be like these two. Old people in love are so cute!

But today I became clear on everything. I don’t know if I just saw it in a different light or if it just took me a while to process what God was telling me. I have received so many differing opinions from friends about what to do. But the fact is most of them aren’t divorced, or don’t have children, or have never even been married. I know they care about me and want what’s best for my life – but they also don’t have a full-view of the situation or any relative experience. I had to go to the Lord for final guidance on this issue.

Heather and I are both scared to death. I thought at first that was a bad thing – I thought that we should both feel amazing about trying to make our marriage work again. I thought we shouldn’t be worried or concerned. But I realized today that I was wrong. We SHOULD be scared and nervous. When things ended I was an alcoholic, she was in a deep depression, and things were very, very dark and meek. We essentially lived separate of each other. I understand why we are hesitant. We are scared of what was. We don’t want to go back to that place and the hurt and anguish we went through a year ago.

That fright however is a blessing. It is what will drive us to make something unique and new – form a new stronger relationship over what we had even at the best of times before. We are building what is; not going back to what was. I know if we both work diligently at saving our relationship we can. God put us here for a reason…and has brought us back together for a reason. Maybe it’s not His intention for this to work out, but for us to learn a lesson along the way. I don’t know His plans – but I do know He’s always out in front of us leading us where we need to go. If we stay focused on His path, we cannot lose.

I’m not sure what the future holds for us – I hope a lifetime of happiness and joy; I hope one day we will be able to help other couples who are going through the same trials and tribulations we are. I hope I am writing this blog 50 years from now with Heather sitting by my side. But that’s not for me to decide. All I know is that God has given me a second chance with the most important woman ever in my life and I will do everything in my power to honor, love and cherish her while I can.

It was an interesting weekend. I packed up and left out Friday morning in order to help Heather with the kids. Initially I was going to show up Saturday, spend the night with her and the babies and then head to church with them in the morning. Unfortunately, a sick little girl forced Heather to take off Friday so I did what any smitten guy would do in this situation; head over a day early.

It ended up being a strange weekend, though. She is still living with her family – which is where I stayed as well. It felt much more like we were jumping right back into the way things used to be than we both liked. I think that was just because of our surroundings and the fact I was there to also spend time with my children. I am fully aware that I MUST treat her like a girlfriend if I intend for her to stay around.

I can't wait until we get back to not just being as strong a couple as we once were, but even stronger because of what we've been through.

I absolutely cannot take her for granted. We had a long discussion that might have made me cry at one point (yes…I’m a crier) about whether this was the right thing to do or not. I left uncertain of where she stood. Fortunately for me, I got a call on my drive home that she does in fact want to do this. I think we had both hoped that a newness would be there; that initial feeling of euphoria you get when you date someone and like them. But it wasn’t.
Again…surroundings I think. That’s not to say we didn’t really enjoy a lot of our time together. We took the kids to the park and softball practice, went to church, had an awesome day at the mall together…but it’s different. And it always will be. We already know everything there is to know about one another. We might not get that first feeling of infatuation back ever…but we can certainly rekindle the flames of passion in our relationship. I am working diligently on that because I know how important it is. But what we have is so much deeper and more meaningful than that. Heather pointed out that infatuation always wears off in a relationship. And then what is there? We know what we have in each other; we just have to find the sparks that were there 6 years ago.

So here we are after a very emotional week or so and barreling in towards Friday; the day we’ll all be under one roof again. My kids are super stoked. I am a little scared, but wildly excited. I know it’s going to be amazing because I am going to make it that way. God has us here and going through all this for a reason. It’s going to be turbulent at times…but I know if we keep focused on what’s important in life; our faith and our family – then we cannot and will not fail. God has something big in store for us. I can’t help but feel that in my heart.

So now I am just sitting and waiting basically; T minus 4-days until we blast-off into our new relationship and lives. It’s the most nervous and excited I have been since I told Heather “I do” more than 5 years ago. And just like that day, I am signing up for the long term; through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health. I love her so much.

The last 12 months of my life have taught me a valuable lesson. First and foremost – I turned back to Christianity after abandoning it for many years. My mother always told me there would more than likely be a major event that would let me “see” God; let me KNOW that Christianity is real. She always talks about an auto accident she had. However, I didn’t have a sudden epiphany.

Not jail, not my wife leaving me…no one event changed me. I think it was the cumulative effects of people, places and things. First and foremost the experience I had in jail, my DUI charge, and the loss of my wife all made me relook at my life and how I was living it. Why was I drinking so much? What had happened to me to make me lose my way so drastically? Where had the Russell I had always been gone to? It forced me into some deep self thought about my purpose here – my calling, if you will.

I cleaned up my life – I started boxing, running and taking care of myself. My overall mood changed drastically. My self-worth went through the roof. But still there was something missing. I met a fantastic woman online who’ll remain nameless for the purpose of this article. Despite the limited time we spent chatting and emailing, I learned a great deal from her. About what my purpose might be, and how God can lead us directions that might not be the easiest, but are there for a reason. These difficulties are to teach us. Or perhaps Satan led me down those paths and God just helped me to see the error of my ways and give me guidance.

Either way I abruptly decided to break my old ties – to pack and move. I just knew it’s what I was meant to do. I felt like the rebuilding of myself was as complete as it would get in the same old surroundings – with the people, places and ghosts of the past haunting me. So I came to Atlanta. My experiences here have been a huge part of my life coming so much back together. From my great friend who has allowed me to crash in his spare room and take the time I need to put it all back together, to all my new wonderful friends I have – who are not only Godly, quality people, but the kind of folks who open their doors and hearts to help you no matter what – they have played such an important part in helping me.

God led me here for a reason – it has allowed me to get back to the person I was. I don’t think it was chance or luck that about the time at which my ex-wife decides to reconcile I am at one of the best points of my life. While her journey hasn’t been exactly the same, she too has been led back to Church and God, and also back to me. I believe we were both sent on trips to get to know ourselves again, so that we can then have a real relationship not just with each other, but with our God and our faith.

I have absolutely been saved by a force so much bigger than me. I have decided to commit all my musical abilities henceforth to playing in Christian bands and spreading the amazing story of what has happened to me to whoever will listen. I feel like I have woken up from a long sleep – and suddenly everything is brighter, better and life’s full of hope. I couldn’t have done it without each and every one of you. You will always have my heartfelt thanks, my love and my gratitude.

I sit and write from the snow-drenched precipice of what was; living in a city I don’t really belong in, in a state where I have been unsuccessfully trying to dilutee my unhappiness by simply adjusting my surroundings. But now, everything has changed. I am hurdling toward what is instead of running from what was. Toward what it is I have wanted and desired; I have loved and missed; and been incomplete without. My axis is no longer on a tilt. My ex-wife and I reconciled yesterday. It was a year in the making and no matter how much I tried to tell myself, to lie and convince myself I didn’t need her – want her – I couldn’t fool myself.

I’ve always believed when you love something you have to set it free. Such was the case in our relationship. I knew there were things she needed to have, experiences she missed out on. I could read it in her beautiful brown eyes. So she went to live those experiences out. I believe in fate – or destiny, however. I always hoped she would return – and that having lived out those experiences she would see my love for her never stopped, was unconditional and timeless. Fortunately for me, she did see that. We both tried living without each other…but quickly realized that what we need most was the very thing we left behind – each other.

All those lonely days, sitting, wondering and waiting are over – and now we can move forward together again. Building the life we want. Absence makes the heart grow fonder – clichéd? Sure. But true. I feel like I can finally open my heart and let out so many feelings I have kept stored away. I will engulf her in the love, attention and passion she so deserves.

While not everyone agrees with my decision it is not theirs to make. I have been told to “tread lightly” and not to go back for more hurt. I would go through all that pain and suffering again just to spend one more day with her – to have her wake next to me and be there. Because the light she creates in me will always outweigh the dark. Not everyone will understand that; and that’s fine. I do and she does. And that’s all that matters in the end.

So as I watch the last of this snowy weather end, I know that tomorrow will come with sunshine to melt away the slush and ice and start fresh. Just like the weather outside my window, the ice that had cocooned me has melted away and I can once again bask in the light of my life.