Lying….it’s something I’ve done professionally. Think I’m kidding? I’m not. I’ve always been an amazing liar. I don’t mean the kind of liar you knew in high school – you know, that guy that made you think he was more than he was so he could get you out of your pants. I am amazing. I can make you think whatever it is I want. I wasn’t always this way, though. I have had help. Don’t get me wrong – I WAS that guy in high school. I convinced a band to let me tour nationally with them thinking I was 19 when I was only 17. I’m that good at what I do.

Strangely my ability to lie landed me in a gig that taught me to lie even more efficiently. I ended up a public relations specialist in the U.S. military. Is it lying? No….. is it bending and stretching the truth to meet your needs? Sure. And damn it…I was amazing at it. Unfortunately it was a skill that didn’t leave me post government work. I still bend and stretch the truth to fit my needs. It sounds funny to say, but I AM a government trained liar. I’m a master of deception. And I still deceive today.

Is that a problem, you ask? And the answer is yes. I’ve spent so many years struggling to find out what it is I want or who it is I am…but here’s the catch. When you’ve lied, bullshitted and skirted the truth for as long as I have you lose touch with not just reality, but yourself. I have no idea who it is I am anymore. I have lied so much I don’t know what it means to be me anymore. Who am I? My entire life is a fabrication…or at the least a giant stretching of the truth.

It’s a hard habit to break. It’s my fallback. I have always been “that guy.” I can walk into any room and own it. I can become whoever I need to in order to meet my goals. And it sucks. It’s so ingrained in me that it’s become hard to turn off. Who are my real friends? Are they even real friends…or are they just friends of the person I wanted them to see? For that matter, what is the real me? How do you find yourself when you’re lost? After all the self realization I’ve done through rehab and counseling I’m left with more and more questions. And putting this out for anyone to read scares me…it would have been much easier to lie about it all.