When we’re young we often feel invincible. We do wild and crazy things; never have hangovers; can function on little or no sleep and somehow manage to look good through all of it. Over the last two weeks I’ve watched as many of my friends lose their lives. The truth is we want to stay young forever; but we don’t. Every decision we make has repercussions that are felt now or later. There are certain lifestyles that aren’t safe to live anymore.

Jake and Misty were old classmates of mine that have left us over the last couple of weeks. I’m not sure what happened to Jake but Misty committed suicide. Both losses really blindsided me. My high school classmates were almost all still alive. I guess that made it easy to still feel young. Although I hadn’t see Jake since high school I had spent a fair amount of time with Misty since I left the Air Force – although not recently. It really reminds me how fragile life can be: Here one second gone the next.

If you’ve read anything of mine in the past you know I have battled for years with alcoholism and depression. My on again off again problems with drinking never scared me that badly because I always considered myself young and invincible. But as the last two weeks have shown me; I am not. It’s almost as if the Universe is warning me. Well, I am listening.

“Death is not the end of who we are. It is only a brief pause in the endless cycle of our lives. Each of us is a spirit that cannot die.”

I hate that I had to lose two friends to wake up and really see what’s going on around me and what I have been doing to myself; but sometimes it takes a swift kick in the ass. And that’s what I got. It’s so eerie and uncomfortable that as I was writing a blog Thursday about nearly committing suicide a friend of mine was doing that exact thing. I’m not great at reading between the lines – and thankfully this time I don’t have to. It’s time to start living right.

I’m thankful for the lesson I’ve learned from these tragedies, but I sure wish I could have learned them some other way. There are so many left behind; sons, daughters, parents, brothers and sisters. I wish I could have done something to help before it was too late. Now they’re just memories. To say they will be missed by many is an understatement.

As a Buddhist I hope your journey is a safe one; that your Karma from this life helps you get closer to enlightenment and that we meet again in the future.

18 months ago I came within seconds of taking my own life. I had lost my job, my family, my freedoms; I was at rock bottom. I remember feeling like I had nothing. That sense of emptiness was so scary. I wasn’t even mad – Just alone. But a random phone call from an old friend came at the exact right moment in time. I remember the taste of the cold barrel in my mouth and hearing the ringing of the phone. I can’t believe how close I came to leaving this World.

So today, on this Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for. I’m blessed with the best children a father could hope for; two wonderful kids who love me despite my flaws, who look up to me and love me unconditionally. I have two fantastic ex-wives who I remain friends with to this day. I cherish not only the times we use to have together, but the ones we have now as well. I have the most supportive family imaginable. My parents and brothers have watched me trip, stumble and fall and have always been there standing beside me when I need them.

I am also so thankful to you – all my friends old and new who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, this blog and the like. Social Networking has allowed me to chronicle my life – the ups and downs, good times and bad – and I am so thankful that you are there to tag along for the journey; sometimes offering advice or putting a foot in my ass if I need it. I appreciate you putting up with my crazy antics and listening to my wild stories. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without all of you in it.

Most of all I am thankful for my life – for the chance to sit and watch a sunset, or see the twinkle in my son’s eye on a Christmas morning; the ability to get in my truck, put the windows down and feel the wind against my face and know I am alive. I’m thankful for each breath I am blessed to take in this World because late on a Friday night 18 months ago I was a split second away from giving this life up.

Cornell business school employees Jon and Lisa thought they were safe. But in one quick click the truth of their affair was revealed. That quick press of the mouse sent all of a steamy and sexual message to every email address on the Cornell University campus. What was meant to be a private “pillow talk” suddenly became a trending topic on Twitter and the web.

It really got me thinking about how communication has changed and how we should change with it. Technology and the advent of email and instant messaging have allowed us to say things and do things we wouldn’t normally consider doing. I’m sure these lovers felt safe emailing their dirty talk back and forth. But were they? Even without accidentally mailing their exchange out how safe was their communication? I guarantee it’s sitting on a server somewhere, now ripe for the plucking by a couple of divorce lawyers.

I’m not casting blame. I’ve made my fair share of bad decisions and being involved with a married woman was one of them. We too were “busted” via online technology. It’s not right, but it happens. Live and learn. Hell, I remember when I was in the military several accidental email communiqués landing in the wrong hands. One of which I thought might end my military career.

I was the editor of a military newspaper and as such, had free and unfettered access to the ‘Net and the email system. My inbox was consistently flooded by things very similar to what I still get today; funny emails, junk, etc. One email really cracked me up though. You clicked on the program and it turned your entire screen flashing red and popped up a box that said “If you DON’T have a small penis, click here.” Well obviously I clicked. There actually was no other option. Suddenly the whole screen starts blinking in neon colors, playing classical music and flashing that “This Guy Has a Small Dick.” I opened this in my office surrounded by coworkers. I laughed it off and after getting over my initial shock everyone had a good time ribbing me about it.

Well I decided I should pass along this little gem of deception to my friends. My buddy Chris was the manager of the local military television stations so I allowed the email system to automatically fill in his address after I simply typed in his name. Mistake. I got a frantic call from some friends who told me there were TWO Chris Kelly’s and guess what? I had just sent the little dick hoax to a Four-Star Army General. Needless to say it was a long few days of waiting to lose my rank…which thankfully never happened. I’m sure that some kindly executive officer saw this and saved my ass. (And if you sir or ma’am ever read this, allow me to take you out for drinks.) To me this could have been just as dangerous and costly as what these two Cornell employees have done. With all this amazing technology comes amazing risk. The point is this; if you don’t want anyone to know, don’t talk about it or put it down to paper or keyboard.

I’ve had to think about this topic a lot as I write and share so much of my life with whoever decides to stop by this site and read about me. Everything online is being stored and saved; my kids can probably find this blog as adults someday and read everything I write. We should all keep that in mind whenever we communicate in today’s World. Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Email, Instant Messaging and the like are all great services. But if we ever think we are being discreet while using them we should think again. I know Jon and Lisa will.

Halloween has always been my favorite Holiday. I love the idea that we can dress up and escape our realities for just a night. It’s a chance for us to be something devilish and sinister. But mostly it’s just good fun. And do I need to mention the candy? You wouldn’t believe the treats my children brought home from school yesterday. If I was a homeless man I would trick or treat AS a homeless man…it’d be a convincing costume and a sure fire way to get some grub. Of course maybe that’s why I’m not homeless; I think outside of the box.

Every Halloween I can’t help but remember a friend of mine who lived nearby when I was growing up. Adam Baine was a super nice kid who had the misfortune (in my opinion) of being born into a ridiculously religious family. He wasn’t allowed to listen to ANY music with electric guitars, he only attended Christian schools, and of course he wasn’t allowed to celebrate Halloween. I remember feeling so sorry for him. His parents did their best to demonize the holiday after their attempts to make him oblivious to it fell futile. I imagine the most hell-like anyone was on those Halloween nights was poor Adam as he sat inside listening to the throngs of revelers knocking at the door.

I feel bad for people that are that raised in families that don’t celebrate Halloween. It’s that kind of moral repressiveness that makes kids and teens go crazy when they finally get some freedom. If you think dressing up constitutes some kind of devil worship I feel sorry for you. You are really naive and far too easily influenced. Halloween should be the least of your concerns. I still feel bad for him to this day. As a 10 year old, missing Halloween was a bane of his existence.

It’s my sincere hope that wherever you are today Adam, whether or not you dress up or party, that at the least you have a couple pieces of candy and enjoy this awesome tradition we all share. Maybe one day you’ll knock on my door and I’ll finally be able to celebrate my favorite holiday with you, all these years later.

To everyone that reads this blog; all you ghouls and ghost, vamps and zombies, creatures of the night and all things fun and frightening; I wish you all a deliciously tasty Halloween filled with many treats and most importantly, many more memories. Happy Halloween!

My life is basically made up of three major sections; the professional, the personal and the spiritual. They aren’t always working together or even in equal thirds. To be honest I’m not sure I’ll ever get them balanced out effectively. Circumstances like time,distance and myriad other factors always seem to work against me. If you’re asking why that matters I’ll tell you. I think this ‘Trifecta’ is what we have to master and balance in order to truly be happy in life.

I feel like I have finally turned a corner in my personal life. I’ve met an awesome woman I have a ton of interest in. Surprisingly that feeling is being reciprocated. It’s taken me forever to feel like I want to try and even entertain the idea of a dating again. But for some reason it just feels right. And I know it’s okay to roll with this feeling. So the balance has switched towards the personal and I’m stoked about how things are going.

But professionally I feel more and more disillusioned with every passing minute. Every day I feel less like I’m in the right place. I suppose that was always a possibility with learning a new career, especially now that I’m getting more into the heart and soul of medicine. It’s one thing to see it on television. As I learned this week it’s entirely different to be there in person. So while I take two steps forward personally, I feel like I’m taking one back professionally.

Maybe the key to figuring all this out lies in the corner of the triangle I pay the least amount of attention to. I know religion and spirituality are incredibly important in life. Oddly I find it’s also the easiest part of my life to blow off. There’s always an excuse for missing church, or not meditating, or whatever the case may be. Maybe spirituality is the Rosetta Stone for finding contentment in those other areas of your life. Perhaps my focus has been wrong all along. If I put my faith at the forefront maybe things will automatically balance themselves out. I hope so. I’m tired of feeling like my life is a game of Marble Madness, constantly tilting and shifting. I’m ready to beat that game for good.

If you have found that balance in your life I’d love to hear from you. Let me know about your Rosetta Stone or experiences. I always learn so much from the comments, email and responses I receive. As always, thanks for dropping by. Be real, be true and be good.

As a recovering alcoholic I have an interesting outlook on alcohol. It scares the hell out of me. It’s so prevalent in our society. Maybe that’s because we make it so taboo – whereas in Europe it’s something that’s always around. I’m not really sure. But what I do know is this; it’s inescapable.

It’s been the biggest challenge of my life to try and stay sober. It’s like the worst itch you could imagine, and trying to not scratch it will drive you crazy. What makes it worse is how inescapable alcohol is in these United States. Watch a football game and count the beer ads. Stop at a convenient store and just look at the signs on the door. Go in your local grocery store or try to eat out and see if they don’t offer you a drink.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not for the abolishment of booze; there are lots of people who drink and can handle themselves accordingly. But I do find it strange that we have done away and regulated so much of the tobacco industry but not alcohol. I’ve never heard of anyone smoking to many cigarettes and beating their wife, or going on a smoking bender and then crashing their car and killing an innocent family. Aren’t we being unduly harsh on the lesser dangerous drug?

Is it all about money and lobbyist? Does common sense not win out? At the very least what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. They should be regulated in the same manner. I’m not questioning the dangers of tobacco. But it’s a struggle to quit when everywhere you look all you see is alcohol. We are inundated by it. And all those ads do exactly what they set out to – make me crave it. It’s a curse to not be able to put your disease out of sight or mind for even a few minutes. And it’s a battle I will fight everyday for the rest of my life. And that’s exactly how these companies like it.

Lying….it’s something I’ve done professionally. Think I’m kidding? I’m not. I’ve always been an amazing liar. I don’t mean the kind of liar you knew in high school – you know, that guy that made you think he was more than he was so he could get you out of your pants. I am amazing. I can make you think whatever it is I want. I wasn’t always this way, though. I have had help. Don’t get me wrong – I WAS that guy in high school. I convinced a band to let me tour nationally with them thinking I was 19 when I was only 17. I’m that good at what I do.

Strangely my ability to lie landed me in a gig that taught me to lie even more efficiently. I ended up a public relations specialist in the U.S. military. Is it lying? No….. is it bending and stretching the truth to meet your needs? Sure. And damn it…I was amazing at it. Unfortunately it was a skill that didn’t leave me post government work. I still bend and stretch the truth to fit my needs. It sounds funny to say, but I AM a government trained liar. I’m a master of deception. And I still deceive today.

Is that a problem, you ask? And the answer is yes. I’ve spent so many years struggling to find out what it is I want or who it is I am…but here’s the catch. When you’ve lied, bullshitted and skirted the truth for as long as I have you lose touch with not just reality, but yourself. I have no idea who it is I am anymore. I have lied so much I don’t know what it means to be me anymore. Who am I? My entire life is a fabrication…or at the least a giant stretching of the truth.

It’s a hard habit to break. It’s my fallback. I have always been “that guy.” I can walk into any room and own it. I can become whoever I need to in order to meet my goals. And it sucks. It’s so ingrained in me that it’s become hard to turn off. Who are my real friends? Are they even real friends…or are they just friends of the person I wanted them to see? For that matter, what is the real me? How do you find yourself when you’re lost? After all the self realization I’ve done through rehab and counseling I’m left with more and more questions. And putting this out for anyone to read scares me…it would have been much easier to lie about it all.

Its days like today I hate this town. Or more accurately its weekends like this one that I hate. I love my hometown of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. In my opinion it’s the most cultured city in the state of Alabama. We are a great university town. It’s not too big or too small, there are a fair amount of activities and we are just a short drive from the bustling city streets of Birmingham. But for about 5 weeks a year this city becomes unbearable.

The Deep South is home to the full frenzy and fervor of college football. And Tuscaloosa, home of the University of Alabama Crimson Tide, is at the epicenter of that fandom. Now hear me out. I am a massive fan. I was raised on Alabama athletics. I bleed crimson. But as a former student that lives in this city there is nothing that irks me more than the influx of 100,000 plus people that have no intentions of doing anything other than drinking, cheering and congesting traffic.

I know it’s a massive boost for the economy…and I know it helps out the University. But try and do something on a home game weekend. I dare you. Yesterday I spent almost 30 minutes driving two miles. Thank you never ending line of RV’s. You made me late for my appointment. I made the mistake of going to the grocery store also; bad move. I thought I was never going to get out of there. Not to mention they were sold out of half the things I wanted. It was as if people we’re buying before a natural disaster.

I guess I just don’t understand the culture. Maybe living in this city has caused me to miss out on something. Is there something magical about RV’ing to spend the weekend back at your alma mater? I’m torn. I want my hometown back and for Alabama to win. So Roll Tide folks….and then roll out.

This is my favorite time of year. Halloween and Fall are finally upon us. There’s a crispness in the air, the darkening of leaves and the shortening of the day. I’ve always been fascinated with fall and Halloween. It’s without a doubt my favorite holiday. So I’m a little morose. I love horror films and the band Type O Negative and I anxiously wait 356 days of the year for the AMC Fearfest. I can’t help myself.

Maybe that’s what got me scouring the depths of the web this year for something unique and different to do this Autumn. What I found was an incredible artist named Len Peralta from Cleveland. He runs a few sites but without doubt his bread and butter is Monster by Mail. What he does is hand draw a 4×6 original piece of art based off the name you give him. Of course for the sake of research I sent him The HiTechRedneck. We’ll get back to that though.

Len basically offers four packages right now; It’s $25 just for the art, $35 for the art and a time-lapsed YouTube video of him creating it, and so on. I’ll let you check out all the specifics for yourself. I opened my email this afternoon to find a nice message saying my monster was complete and on the way. Plus it had a link to my video. It turned out fantastic. Take a look and see what ya think – but I couldn’t be any happier with it.

If you love Halloween as much as I do you owe it to yourself to get one of these made. Maybe you’re looking for a unique one-of-a-kind gift or perhaps you just want some incredible art; no matter the case check out Len’s work. You can follow him on Twitter, subscribe to his Youtube channel or check out his blog.

I hope you’re all having as special, creepy and scarily fun Fall as I am. Carve the pumpkins, hand out the treats and always remember – using garlic against a vampire is just a myth… I think.

There’s a never ending battle going on in my life; it’s between my heart and my head. The Battle of The Lonely Life – and believe me when I say there have been casualties. Years after my divorce I am still damaged goods; I still have parts that are broken. It’s funny how in trying to fix myself I broke parts of others. Make no sense? It will…

I’m sure it’s a battle that many people that are divorced fight. First and foremost am I ready to date? Am I ready to make a commitment to something serious? The answer is no. In fact I’m not sure I ever want a serious relationship again. Or at least that’s what I tell the masses that check on me. That’s what my head wants me to do. It’s logical to think that if you’ve tried something and it hurt, not to try it again. But the idea of being eternally single scares the hell out of me. I don’t want to live out my life alone and die lonely.

So is it possible to live your life single and not be lonely? My heart says, “Nope – you’d better try again.” So I tried dating and all it did was make me feel horrible about stringing someone along that I had no real long term plans with. That’s not fair to them. But that’s not something you tell someone early in a relationship. If you do you sound like a ‘playboy.’ If you don’t and things progress it seems like you lied just to get in their pants. So where is that happy middle ground? Does such a place even exist?

I hope it’s possible to be a bachelor and still have meaningful relationships. I’m not aiming for celibacy or being that guy who sits in the matinee movie alone, but I also don’t want the full blown married life with all that drama either. I have tried that, and it doesn’t work for me.

But most of all, I don’t want to keep hurting people. I’ve done enough of that in my life. Is it possible to have my cake and eat it too? I’m not sure – but I won’t give up the trying. Forward march – the battle rages onward.