Where does it all end?

I feel just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I woke up today and realized I am living the same thing over and over again. Maybe the people and places are a little different; I traded the woods of Alabama for the skyscrapers of Atlanta, but the events and emotions are exactly the same. How and when does it all end?

Maybe I have to start changing my ways and making the “right” decisions just like Phil did. It’s really surreal to wake up and realize you’re 30 years old and still your own worst enemy. I’m sitting here, once again unemployed, once again trying to figure out how to be happy, how to make a living and how to get out of this vicious cycle that has had me trapped for more than 8 years now.

My father calls what we have “The Crowe Curse.” Maybe he’s onto something. Perhaps I should just embrace this existence of daily struggle and acknowledge that’s what my life is meant to be. But I can’t help but think there’s a way out. Surely since some of the folks around me that got caught up in the curse were able to escape and find something more – I should be able to also.

Living this life was fun once upon a time, but not anymore. It’s time to change. I just don’t know how. And until I do I’ll wake up and live this same day, these same feelings, over and over until one day… when I just won’t wake up at all.

No one ever told me moving to Atlanta would be easy. Of course, packing up a suitcase and just driving off into the sunset towards a new beginning, a new life – it sounded so perfect. It’s almost like something pulled from the pages of a novel. Applying to work in the gay adult entertainment industry? I don’t remember reading that in a novel…but it’s not really my genre. I’ll get back to that.

There's really nothing wity I can post here...the pic really steals my thunder.

As my video blog mentioned the other day, I was turned down for a janitorial job. That was a really low blow to my self confidence and mental well-being. I’m not really sure why in the hell I was even applying for that position. They were correct in assessing me as overqualified for that job – despite the fact I have the greatest mustache ever. I assumed it would make me look more everyday-kind-of-guy. At this point though, a job is a job. I believe I said that job was as far down as I felt I could fall, but I was wrong. (No offense intended, janitors of the World.) I actually applied a few days back to be a stock worker at a place that stores and distributes gay pornography. Yes, you read that correctly. It’s most definitely not my dream job. Hell…I didn’t even realize such jobs existed. But at this point I’ll do ALMOST any and everything. I never heard back from them. Apparently I’m not qualified for that gig either. It’s probably a good thing. That’s a job you don’t want to have to explain to future employers.

All this time off and job searching has made me realize this: the world doesn’t have that much work for unskilled labor. And unfortunately for me, the things I am skilled in – Public Relations, Marketing, playing music loudly, drinking copious amounts, using cheesy pickup lines on women way out of my league, wasting hours on the Net – it’s very beneficial to be a hot chick, have finished college or more than likely both. (No offense intended, hot chicks of the World) I have never watched gay porn, so I guess I don’t have a background in that field. Maybe that’s why they too didn’t offer me a job.

My buddy Ted called and asked if I would come and help him paint all day tomorrow. He has a condo he’s trying to get ready to rent out. I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to make a little side cash – get a little change in my pocket, if you will. But alas, he wants to pay me in alcohol and food. I’m not sure what that story says about me. I like beer, maybe? Check. It is the nectar of the Gods – as good as cash in my book. Besides, it will break up the monotony that is my last few weeks. Painting while drinking and listening to some good ole’ Southern Rock – it’ll be like I’m right back in Alabama. I can’t wait. And it’s got to be better than stocking porn. So I’ve got that going for me.

As always, be safe, be good and be happy. See you on down the road.

I'm still chasing my dreams like fireflies...

I wish I could tell you what happened. I wish I knew what it was that seems to make me cursed in love. But I don’t know. Believe me; if I did I would change it. As fast as my ex-wife wanted to reconcile, she ended it before we had even really started again. A lot of my friends seem to think I should be bitter or angry about what happened to me…but I’m not. I still want the one thing I have wanted for the last 8 years of my life – since the first time I ever saw her; for her to be happy. Regardless if I’m with her or not, her happiness is what’s most important to me.

I think that’s what unconditional love is. My ex-wife doesn’t have to be with me, but I can’t stand the thoughts of her being unhappy. Don’t get me wrong, this experience has hurt. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it was reopening a cut that I had finally closed. I feel as if I’ve almost bled out. But I have learned a lot about myself, about love and now about forgiveness. I didn’t necessarily get what I wanted out of the last month or so of my life – but I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt I got what I needed. I don’t believe in coincidence or happenstance; I went into this experience thinking I would get my wife back and that this was meant to be.

But what I got was a lesson in true love and humility. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. And here I am – back in Atlanta, sitting in the exact seat I was in 30 days ago. It’s almost as if I hit some kind of time warp and was transported for a month of my life and suddenly here I am again, beamed back to where I was sitting almost as if I dreamt it all. It’s really kind of surreal.

I don’t know what exactly I’m going to do with myself at this point – I have an idea where I want to get…but I have to try and figure out the best way to get there. In that respect, leaving this city and walking away from my life was quite detrimental. But life is all about risks and chances. I learned that I am not what she wants – and as a hard a pill as that is to swallow, it’s something I have to deal with. Now that we both know that for sure I have to reclose that cut and press forward with my life – for myself and my children.

So here I am rebuilding…again. I know I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and get to where it is I am headed. The road to that place is just so different than I ever expected it to be. So it’s time to stop focusing on what might have been. I’m once again setting the past behind me and chasing my dreams like a little boy chases fireflies against an Alabama night sky; one at a time, jumping as high as he can to grab them.

First off henceforth I shall be known as Marshall Banana. I assume most of you aren’t anime fans, so the reference will be lost on you. However even if you aren’t an anime fan (and I wasn’t until recently) I highly suggest checking out the series Cowboy Bebop. It’s anime for “Westerners” or so I have been told. It’s an awesome series that’s roughly 26 episodes with a movie thrown in for good measure. I realize Marshall Banana sounds like a porn name, but I assure you it is not. I’m not making this up.

I’ve been in Atlanta for a month or so now and I am really enjoying myself here. I got in trouble not long ago with a city dweller for saying I live in “Atlanta,” when I actually live in Gwinnett County – out in the ‘burbs. But it’s big city as far as I’m concerned. What’s great about this city is that they have everything here. If there’s something I’m interested in or want to do – no matter how specialized – someone here is doing it. The only major drawback I have found would have to be the traffic.

An 8-mile round trip to the nearest QT (the greatest gas station in the world!) can easily take 30 minutes or longer especially if attempted during peak traffic hours. Not to mention people here get some serious road rage. Also, the traffic can dictate some of the activities.

As I mentioned, they have everything here. But if I am forced to drive almost 2 hours to the other side of Atlanta to get where I’m going it’s suddenly no longer worth it. I manage, though.

I have been desperately seeking a great job – and have my feet in the fire for several awesome opportunities. Plus there are some very cool looking educational opportunities here. The technical school has a couple of computer and medical fields that look awesome! And tuition in the great state of Georgia is dirt cheap. Take that Alabama! And thank you lottery.

Anyway – more to come soon. Hopefully I’ll get a couple blogs posted soon. The crappy Comcast man disconnected my Internet while turning someone else’s service on this morning. And they aren’t coming back to fix this mistake for 24 hours. Wish me luck with that.

See ya soon,
Marshall Banana

So I’m in Atlanta for the next few days working on a new web project that I think has a ton of potential. I’ve been on camera tonight making a huge fool of myself, which I’m sure everyone (except me) will laught at one day soon. I’d tell you more about it, but I’m not allowed to disclose much about what we’re up too until it launches. Also they haven’t told me everything about it….so I don’t even know all the ins and outs. I guess it’s one of those ‘need to know basis’ things – and I don’t need to know.

Anyway, I hope it all plays out like I want it to, and maybe I’ll end up here in Atlanta for good. I could use the change. It’s always good to shake things up a little bit and get reinvigorated about life. That sounds like what I need. That or a chuckabowkoo – def. a swift spiritual kick to the head that alters one’s reality forever. (Courtesy of John Cusak in Gross Pointe Blank.)

So that’s where it stands at this moment. I’ll be filming more in the morning, so I’ll see if I can get a clip or a screenshot or something to send across for everyone to check out. Until then, take it easy!