It’s so tough to be bipolar. It’s harder than any war I fought or any battle I won. The highs and lows are more than you could even imagine. It’s as if your life is a roller coaster and everyday is a hill. One minute on top of the World admiring the view but the next the depths of depression; just waiting for that inevitable climb back up. But this ride never ends. It just goes on and on.

It’s amazing to me; I’m surrounded by happiness and what should make a person’s life fulfilled; a loving family, amazing children, incredible friends. But none of that makes a difference. One day I feel as if I’m finally on the path towards happiness. Then my brain switches, and I’m drowning in a sea of despair and unhappiness. And I think to myself – God please just let the ride end. There’s no worse torture than knowing and seeing what you want in your moments of sanity, but being unable to grab them.

It’s a vicious cycle fueled by self-medication, prescription drugs and my own mind. But I just can’t get hold of it. The mind is so powerful. I’ll make awful decisions; lose loved ones, damage relationships, damn near lose myself. But like a song on repeat the cycle continues. I want to stop it…but I can’t.

And here I am again today; after a day of bliss – of mania as a Psychiatrist would tell you – back on the low end of the spectrum. Wondering why I’m here, what my purpose is. It’d be so easy to disappear into nothingness. Life would be so much easier that way. But I can’t bring the shame of that unanswerable question upon my children and my friends. I can’t leave them asking why.

So I sit…a prisoner of my own mind: one day alive and moving 100 miles per hour, the next a recluse hardly willing to leave the bed. I don’t expect anyone to understand it. But it’s who I am. It’s the life I was born into. And one day I fear it will take me into a blackness that never ends.

It’s taken me 31 years, 3 months, 25 days and a few hours to finally decide I’m ready. I’ve had all I can stand of the wild parties, keg beer from trash cans, immature relationships, living paycheck to paycheck, having a job and not a career and just general tomfoolery that accompanies not being an adult. I’m ready to take the plunge and trade in my rock t-shirts for button downs and my Doc Martin’s for loafers.

In all honestly I should have made the change a long time ago. It’s not like I didn’t pay a price for this lifestyle. In my wake are failed marriages, ruined friendships, money problems, and God only knows how many dead brain cells. I just don’t want to do it anymore. Something in me clicked and I don’t want to be that person any longer.

Maybe it was watching my father nearly lose his life to heart problems. That was a sobering reality check for me. It certainly made me realize that I wasn’t as invincible as I thought. That in any given moment I could be gone. And there are a lot of things and experiences – adult experiences – I still want to have.

Perhaps it’s from being a father myself. Nearly losing my own dad has made me want to be an even better father for my own two children. Not the person I was; not the man who ran their mother off and lost himself in gallon after gallon of alcohol and bottle after bottle of pills.

Maybe I’m just now getting past many of the issues that held me back; an inability to let go, a penchant for living in the past, a silver tongue and quick wits that allowed me to bullshit my way through life.

However it happened, all I see now is future. The slate has been wiped clean and the World is my oyster. The question is what do I want to do with it? I want to rebuild my life back. Have a family, a successful career; be the kind of man and father that my father was. If I can be half the man he is and positively impact half as many people, I will have done something amazing with my time here.

You’ve only got a few weeks left to live; that’s what the doctor’s recently told my Uncle Bob. He’s had cancer for the last couple of years and has fought it valiantly. But a week or so ago he found out that it had finally spread from his colon into his stomach and liver and that chemotherapy was no longer a viable option for him. It deflated us all.

A little background on my Uncle Bob; He was epileptic as a child and has myriad health problems including schizophrenia and the like. He never finished school and as such thinks and functions on about a 4th grade level or so. He lives in a garage we converted into apartment behind my home and I help to take care of him. Aside from his lack of social development he is also a bit of a junk collector and enjoys fighting against causes such as bathing, shaving, etc. Hygiene is not his strong suit.

Bob has never had any real family of his own and never dated. He’s only had a job or two his entire life. His existence has pretty much been doing what he wants and enjoys on his limited income. That involves watching cartoons, going to thrift stores and trying to figure out how create rockets or build his own solar panels. Grandiose plans…but they make him happy. Don’t feel bad for him, though. He has loved his life.

I also think that’s how he’s been able to live so much longer than his initial prognosis of 6 months left. That was more than 2 years ago. The lack of stress, of leaving anything, has really helped him.

But the last few weeks have been hard for him. And me. His suffering has become almost more than I can stand to watch. I am feeding him narcotics like they are Skittles – and he still rolls around in the floor writhing in pain. It’s ripping me apart emotionally.

What was most amazing was when he found out that the cancer had run its course – and he would be dead within a few weeks, he wanted to come and tell me personally. He was so worried whether I would be alright when he told me. He wasn’t even concerned about himself. He keeps checking on me, and asking me if I am okay…despite his own pain and limited time. He is truly an incredible person. And to say I am going to miss him would be an understatement.

I hope I can get him into Hospice or a nursing home soon. He needs more care than I can give him now. I am so scared I’m going to go to the grocery store or class only to come home and find him dead. No one should die alone…and suffer alone as much as he has.

I know he can tell how badly I am worrying and hurting for him. It’s remarkable he still cares more about me than himself. Despite his gruffness and wild look he is one of the most remarkable and sensitive people I know. I hope whatever happens he doesn’t suffer much more. And that he goes knowing how much I love and care for him. I just had no idea how terribly difficult it is to watch someone die this way. And I hope it’s a long time before I have to see it again.

When we’re young we often feel invincible. We do wild and crazy things; never have hangovers; can function on little or no sleep and somehow manage to look good through all of it. Over the last two weeks I’ve watched as many of my friends lose their lives. The truth is we want to stay young forever; but we don’t. Every decision we make has repercussions that are felt now or later. There are certain lifestyles that aren’t safe to live anymore.

Jake and Misty were old classmates of mine that have left us over the last couple of weeks. I’m not sure what happened to Jake but Misty committed suicide. Both losses really blindsided me. My high school classmates were almost all still alive. I guess that made it easy to still feel young. Although I hadn’t see Jake since high school I had spent a fair amount of time with Misty since I left the Air Force – although not recently. It really reminds me how fragile life can be: Here one second gone the next.

If you’ve read anything of mine in the past you know I have battled for years with alcoholism and depression. My on again off again problems with drinking never scared me that badly because I always considered myself young and invincible. But as the last two weeks have shown me; I am not. It’s almost as if the Universe is warning me. Well, I am listening.

“Death is not the end of who we are. It is only a brief pause in the endless cycle of our lives. Each of us is a spirit that cannot die.”

I hate that I had to lose two friends to wake up and really see what’s going on around me and what I have been doing to myself; but sometimes it takes a swift kick in the ass. And that’s what I got. It’s so eerie and uncomfortable that as I was writing a blog Thursday about nearly committing suicide a friend of mine was doing that exact thing. I’m not great at reading between the lines – and thankfully this time I don’t have to. It’s time to start living right.

I’m thankful for the lesson I’ve learned from these tragedies, but I sure wish I could have learned them some other way. There are so many left behind; sons, daughters, parents, brothers and sisters. I wish I could have done something to help before it was too late. Now they’re just memories. To say they will be missed by many is an understatement.

As a Buddhist I hope your journey is a safe one; that your Karma from this life helps you get closer to enlightenment and that we meet again in the future.

18 months ago I came within seconds of taking my own life. I had lost my job, my family, my freedoms; I was at rock bottom. I remember feeling like I had nothing. That sense of emptiness was so scary. I wasn’t even mad – Just alone. But a random phone call from an old friend came at the exact right moment in time. I remember the taste of the cold barrel in my mouth and hearing the ringing of the phone. I can’t believe how close I came to leaving this World.

So today, on this Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for. I’m blessed with the best children a father could hope for; two wonderful kids who love me despite my flaws, who look up to me and love me unconditionally. I have two fantastic ex-wives who I remain friends with to this day. I cherish not only the times we use to have together, but the ones we have now as well. I have the most supportive family imaginable. My parents and brothers have watched me trip, stumble and fall and have always been there standing beside me when I need them.

I am also so thankful to you – all my friends old and new who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, this blog and the like. Social Networking has allowed me to chronicle my life – the ups and downs, good times and bad – and I am so thankful that you are there to tag along for the journey; sometimes offering advice or putting a foot in my ass if I need it. I appreciate you putting up with my crazy antics and listening to my wild stories. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without all of you in it.

Most of all I am thankful for my life – for the chance to sit and watch a sunset, or see the twinkle in my son’s eye on a Christmas morning; the ability to get in my truck, put the windows down and feel the wind against my face and know I am alive. I’m thankful for each breath I am blessed to take in this World because late on a Friday night 18 months ago I was a split second away from giving this life up.

My life is basically made up of three major sections; the professional, the personal and the spiritual. They aren’t always working together or even in equal thirds. To be honest I’m not sure I’ll ever get them balanced out effectively. Circumstances like time,distance and myriad other factors always seem to work against me. If you’re asking why that matters I’ll tell you. I think this ‘Trifecta’ is what we have to master and balance in order to truly be happy in life.

I feel like I have finally turned a corner in my personal life. I’ve met an awesome woman I have a ton of interest in. Surprisingly that feeling is being reciprocated. It’s taken me forever to feel like I want to try and even entertain the idea of a dating again. But for some reason it just feels right. And I know it’s okay to roll with this feeling. So the balance has switched towards the personal and I’m stoked about how things are going.

But professionally I feel more and more disillusioned with every passing minute. Every day I feel less like I’m in the right place. I suppose that was always a possibility with learning a new career, especially now that I’m getting more into the heart and soul of medicine. It’s one thing to see it on television. As I learned this week it’s entirely different to be there in person. So while I take two steps forward personally, I feel like I’m taking one back professionally.

Maybe the key to figuring all this out lies in the corner of the triangle I pay the least amount of attention to. I know religion and spirituality are incredibly important in life. Oddly I find it’s also the easiest part of my life to blow off. There’s always an excuse for missing church, or not meditating, or whatever the case may be. Maybe spirituality is the Rosetta Stone for finding contentment in those other areas of your life. Perhaps my focus has been wrong all along. If I put my faith at the forefront maybe things will automatically balance themselves out. I hope so. I’m tired of feeling like my life is a game of Marble Madness, constantly tilting and shifting. I’m ready to beat that game for good.

If you have found that balance in your life I’d love to hear from you. Let me know about your Rosetta Stone or experiences. I always learn so much from the comments, email and responses I receive. As always, thanks for dropping by. Be real, be true and be good.

As a recovering alcoholic I have an interesting outlook on alcohol. It scares the hell out of me. It’s so prevalent in our society. Maybe that’s because we make it so taboo – whereas in Europe it’s something that’s always around. I’m not really sure. But what I do know is this; it’s inescapable.

It’s been the biggest challenge of my life to try and stay sober. It’s like the worst itch you could imagine, and trying to not scratch it will drive you crazy. What makes it worse is how inescapable alcohol is in these United States. Watch a football game and count the beer ads. Stop at a convenient store and just look at the signs on the door. Go in your local grocery store or try to eat out and see if they don’t offer you a drink.

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not for the abolishment of booze; there are lots of people who drink and can handle themselves accordingly. But I do find it strange that we have done away and regulated so much of the tobacco industry but not alcohol. I’ve never heard of anyone smoking to many cigarettes and beating their wife, or going on a smoking bender and then crashing their car and killing an innocent family. Aren’t we being unduly harsh on the lesser dangerous drug?

Is it all about money and lobbyist? Does common sense not win out? At the very least what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. They should be regulated in the same manner. I’m not questioning the dangers of tobacco. But it’s a struggle to quit when everywhere you look all you see is alcohol. We are inundated by it. And all those ads do exactly what they set out to – make me crave it. It’s a curse to not be able to put your disease out of sight or mind for even a few minutes. And it’s a battle I will fight everyday for the rest of my life. And that’s exactly how these companies like it.

Lying….it’s something I’ve done professionally. Think I’m kidding? I’m not. I’ve always been an amazing liar. I don’t mean the kind of liar you knew in high school – you know, that guy that made you think he was more than he was so he could get you out of your pants. I am amazing. I can make you think whatever it is I want. I wasn’t always this way, though. I have had help. Don’t get me wrong – I WAS that guy in high school. I convinced a band to let me tour nationally with them thinking I was 19 when I was only 17. I’m that good at what I do.

Strangely my ability to lie landed me in a gig that taught me to lie even more efficiently. I ended up a public relations specialist in the U.S. military. Is it lying? No….. is it bending and stretching the truth to meet your needs? Sure. And damn it…I was amazing at it. Unfortunately it was a skill that didn’t leave me post government work. I still bend and stretch the truth to fit my needs. It sounds funny to say, but I AM a government trained liar. I’m a master of deception. And I still deceive today.

Is that a problem, you ask? And the answer is yes. I’ve spent so many years struggling to find out what it is I want or who it is I am…but here’s the catch. When you’ve lied, bullshitted and skirted the truth for as long as I have you lose touch with not just reality, but yourself. I have no idea who it is I am anymore. I have lied so much I don’t know what it means to be me anymore. Who am I? My entire life is a fabrication…or at the least a giant stretching of the truth.

It’s a hard habit to break. It’s my fallback. I have always been “that guy.” I can walk into any room and own it. I can become whoever I need to in order to meet my goals. And it sucks. It’s so ingrained in me that it’s become hard to turn off. Who are my real friends? Are they even real friends…or are they just friends of the person I wanted them to see? For that matter, what is the real me? How do you find yourself when you’re lost? After all the self realization I’ve done through rehab and counseling I’m left with more and more questions. And putting this out for anyone to read scares me…it would have been much easier to lie about it all.

It’s taken me a long time to feel like I’m back on “top of my game.” I haven’t really felt complete or successful in six years. I was a newly-minted civilian straight from military service, studying pre-medicine in college. I was killing it. The “Freshman of The Year” at my college and a 4.0 student, I was achieving everything I desired.

But then a funny thing happened – I met a girl. And everything changed. It’s funny how that works. I had a paradigm shift. My priorities and focus changed. (It’s amazing how that happens to a man having sex on a regular basis.) Before I knew it my grades had plummeted, I was married, suddenly out of college and in the working world. Before long I found out I was going to be a father. My entire world had changed in two years.

Don’t let me mislead you into thinking I was unhappy about all this. I was thrilled to be having a child and be married – but something inside of me could never let that dream of medical school die. I always felt like I hadn’t achieved what I was meant to. But over time I came to realize my wife didn’t share the same goals as I did, and for that and a plethora of other reasons, I woke up one day to see she had decided to make like Tom and Cruise.

It took me a good bit longer to get back to being me; to finding who I was and what I wanted. It took lots of beers, a handful of great friends, a half a year in a different city and the help of my faith to finally get back on the right track. And here I am. Amazingly I’ve come full circle.

I’m back in college; albeit older but definitely wiser for the times. And while my dream of one day becoming a doctor seems highly improbable due to my age and responsibilities, I found a middle ground with the Physician’s Assistant program. I finally feel back on top of the World. I am so excited and happy to be able and pick back up where I left off. Every day I get up stoked to go study something I love and get one step closer to becoming the person I want to be. There’s no doubt I will achieve my goals this time around. I just have to stay away from girls.

Where does it all end?

I feel just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I woke up today and realized I am living the same thing over and over again. Maybe the people and places are a little different; I traded the woods of Alabama for the skyscrapers of Atlanta, but the events and emotions are exactly the same. How and when does it all end?

Maybe I have to start changing my ways and making the “right” decisions just like Phil did. It’s really surreal to wake up and realize you’re 30 years old and still your own worst enemy. I’m sitting here, once again unemployed, once again trying to figure out how to be happy, how to make a living and how to get out of this vicious cycle that has had me trapped for more than 8 years now.

My father calls what we have “The Crowe Curse.” Maybe he’s onto something. Perhaps I should just embrace this existence of daily struggle and acknowledge that’s what my life is meant to be. But I can’t help but think there’s a way out. Surely since some of the folks around me that got caught up in the curse were able to escape and find something more – I should be able to also.

Living this life was fun once upon a time, but not anymore. It’s time to change. I just don’t know how. And until I do I’ll wake up and live this same day, these same feelings, over and over until one day… when I just won’t wake up at all.