We’ve all known for a while that Lindsay Lohan is out of her damn mind, but this picture shows just how far off the deep end the poor girl has gone. And I thought Michael Jackson showing up an hour late to court in his pajamas was bad. Come on girl…and you’re shocked you got sentenced to 90 days. To quote Mr. Ed Lover, “C’Mon Son!”

No sir, I absolutely did not just flip you off.

It’s a piece of true American nostalgia, riding the railroad all across America –seeing the other sides of towns. 70 miles per hour of blurring trees, countryside – a whiz of the blues, greens, browns, oranges and reds that make an Alabama fall. It’s breathtaking. But then again, so are some of people on this train. Not to mention it’s a balmy 85 degrees or so on in here.

One of the beauties of riding public transportation is getting to ride with your fellow citizens. Meeting the people that make up this unique and diverse country – and a diverse group of folks they are. Italians, Mexicans, Asians – there might be more diversity in this one train car than there is in the whole of the state of Alabama.

It makes me feel so homogenized. I long for the days when I traveled the world – meeting new people, experiencing things for the first time. Finding the differences and unique similarities between all of us – like the fact foreign food gives everyone the runs. In case you have ever considered it here is some advice: never give a Moroccan a bowl of your best recipe chili – something in it doesn’t agree with them.

This just makes me think of a simpler time in the World. A time my grandparents lived in – a time when people talked, showed each other respect – a world that was slower, safer and slightly more moral. A time when people knew their neighbors – where children built forts in the woods,played pickup games of baseball and rode their bikes around together without having to worry about being snatched up. The world today – it can be so mind-blowing. So many of the things we read about are just incomprehensible – the crimes, the wars, the corruption, the economy. It’s enough to make you want to douse yourself in some overpriced Diesel and send yourself up in flames.

But here I am – living and riding just like my long-gone relatives did. My grandfather rode a train from Fairbanks, Alaska to Akron, Alabama just to get off and propose to my grandmother. She said yes and he hopped right back on the train to Alaska. I guess the Army didn’t allow much furlough for proposals. I always found that to in be an amazing story. He knew what he wanted and did whatever it took to get it. If it wasn’t for the train, I guess I wouldn’t be here.

Traveling the scenic routes of Alabama and Georgia – with a little country music playing and a pretty cool traveling companion next to me – is fantastic. Darius Rucker’s new album is the perfect soundtrack for my trip. It’s got my mind right where it needs to be – focusing on the beauty of life and love and friendships. I have been a little juvenile at moments. My new friend and I have been watching the annoyed people at railroad crossings and flipping them off because, after all, they can never catch up with us. Take that air travel. Plus its cheaper than a tank of gas.

If I accidentally flip you off, accept my apologies. It’s all in good fun. Seriously, this is something you should try if you’ve never done it before. I can’t speak for the food – but I’m pretty sure Paula Dean’s not back there. Now if we could just get some air conditioning and some deoderizer this would be the perfect experience.

A shmoke und a pancake. You know, a flapjack und a shigarette? No? Shigar und a waffle? No? Pipe und a crepe? No? Bong und a blintz? No? Well, then there ish no pleashing you.

So there I was, trying to stand on my front porch and enjoy the afternoon. Hanging out, enjoying the weather – a beautiful October afternoon in Alabama. Suddenly I feel as if I am being watched. Not like a stalker kind of thing, but one of those kind of “is this computer camera on while I am surfing adult sites?” vibes. Never had that? Me either…I was just making that up – seriously. A friend told me about that feeling.

Anywho – there I stand with a very unusual feeling and I look to my left and there, about 3 feet away – just hanging around minding her own business is a deer. This is at first one of those fight or flight reactions – do I run? Do I hide? Do I kick this deer in the crotch, gouge an eye and wrestle it down hoping my manly show of force will deter it? I wish I had a manly story. But, I didn’t do anything. I let out a quick “What’s up, deer?” and went back to minding my own business. After all, perhaps if I pretended I wasn’t there she would move on through the neighborhood and go hang out on someone else’s front porch. It’s the same approach I use with the homeless.

But then I got to thinking – I’ve seen all those damn Disney movies – the ones where the animals work in pairs and everyone’s best buddies. Maybe this deer was best friends with that squirrel I sent to the afterlife a couple weeks ago. Perhaps it had traveled many, many miles in search of me – to exact revenge in a flurry of paws and fur. Maybe it was my turn to “pay the piper.”

I mean, honestly? What the hell? When did I become Dr. Doolittle? I am remarkably unqualified for situations such as these. I never took this class in college. The closest encounter I have had with an animal in 10 years prior to this month was that one time a cat clawed my man-berries through my shorts at a house party. Or that time my ex-wife bit me when she…never mind that, actually. I still have scars and nightmares.

So I stood and thought about this quandary. Suddenly my brother opens the door, Bambi startles – I hear a faint “God D*^&!” and a quick slamming of the door. Once again, the familial ties have failed me and I alone am left in a compromising situation. The brother is batting 0 for 2 of being any kind of aid in times of crisis. I felt like George Clooney’s character in Oh, Brother Where Art Thou. “Damn, I’m in a tight spot.”

Here is a frightened deer, ears perked up – possibly wanting to exact its revenge on me – angry at my potty-mouthed brother for taking the lord’s name in vain. Of course this deer has on a collar – which makes it seem less threatening. But in my mind, equally dangerous. That’s how they sneak up on you. “Oh, look at me. You can pet me! I wont hurt you!” You can’t fool me deer. A pet deer? Seriously, work on a better disguise. At least put on a mask – pretend to be a dog, or my elderly neighbor.

I thought perhaps I should offer her a cigarette as some kind of peace treaty. But as I am currently uninsured I thought better of putting my paws that close to a wild animal’s mouth. I consider taking her on as a pet, but I can’t foresee her curling up on the foot of my bed.

So I do what any redneck from Alabama would do. No! I didn’t shoot her, mount the head and make deer jerky. I start waving my hands wildly in the air, screaming random gibberish and profanity and making a quick B-Line right in her direction, at which point I scare the shit out of someone’s petting zoo escapee. Either that or she decides I am crazy enough to “off” her just as I did the squirrel. Either way, the predator becomes the prey. Kind of like in “The Last House On The Left,” but completely different.

So here I am. I am beginning to wonder if crap like this use to happen to me all the time but in my drunkenness I just never noticed it. I’m not sure, but either way I am changing colognes – and brothers.

I generally shy away from posting anything political – but I figure this doesn’t really count since it is the greatest thing ever made. Combine the masterful political prose of Barack Obama with the touching, powerful vocals and musicianship of Rick Astley and you get this: The BarackRoll. Quick question – is it just me, or do Rick Astely and I favor? Anyway, the point is: For my people out there – I’m never gonna give you up. Just know that.

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The Olympic Games are now over and thankfully, everyone has returned home – or in Michael Phelps case, back to his tank at Sea World. But with myriad events vying for you attention across multiple streams and television stations, did you get to see everything you wanted? Did you miss the discus? Or perhaps you weren’t able to catch that 3000-meter steeplechase. Maybe you just couldn’t roll out of bed early enough to catch the last round of solo synchronized swimming. Well fear not fellow couch dweller. Here is the only thing you missed that was actually worth seeing this Olympics.

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Wow, I stumbled across this on YouTube and just had to share it. A very, very cool new take on R. Kelly’s urban-opera, “Trapped in the Closet.” For the sake of brevity I’ll only post part one, but if you’re interested the story does continue in more parts! Just awesome!

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No need for words here. Just watch. And try not to pee on yourself.

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This dude is definitly a midnight smoker – cause this is some wacky, wacky stuff. All I can say is that he has too much free time. And that’s coming from a guy with too much free time himself. Really funny. Enjoy!

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A really wild and cary look at the life of George W. Bush and how he got to be in the White House. I can’t believe Oliver Stone has done this while W’s still in office – that just takes gigantic balls.

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I've got a master's in horribleness...

So I stumbled across this strange little 42-minute musical, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, starring Neil Patrick Harris. It’s a story that’s all about love, hate, loss and superheroes. (Who didn’t see that coming?) It is a really cool little film and you can check it out for free until midnight tomorrow. It was a side project several writers from Buffy the Vampire fame worked on during the writer’s strike. It’s a little of the beaten path, but very, very cool. Check it out for free while you can – come Monday you’ll have to buy it in the iTunes store.