I’ve got to have some wood nearby to knock on – but I’m going to say it. I’m finally happy. For the first time in longer than I can really remember I am actually enjoying life. Everything just seems….right. That’s not to say I don’t have to fight through the struggles of daily existence. I think we all deal with that each day. But I seem to be back to the place I was eight years ago when my World was on its axis and spun properly. It’s been quite the path to get here, and by no means an easy journey; but definitely a worthwhile one.

The first thing I had to do was struggle, and I mean scrape and crawl and drag myself, through an addiction to alcohol. Without doubt it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I can’t tell you how many times it would be easy to just have a beer, grab a six-pack or go out with friends. But that’s not who I am anymore. I wrestled with that Demon and I’m glad to say I beat the Devil, as Kris Kristofferson says. It’s taken a ton of commitment, some great friends, and a paradigm shift to make it happen. I may still occasionally stumble or fall, but I’ll fight back onto the wagon and hold on for all I’m worth.

The second thing I did was reprioritize my life. When I sat down and thought about what was important to me there was no question about what was atop the list – being the best dad I can be for my children. Somehow, someway, for some reason my ex-wife decided to let my son move in with me. Maybe she thought he needed his father around. But it’s more likely she probably saw that I was the one who needed him. And having him here has changed everything. I revel in the role of dad. We get up and go swim, play baseball, read books, play video games; do the kind of things all boys should do with their fathers. It’s making me a better person by the minute. It seems like the more parenting I do the more I learn about myself and change for the positive. Commitment, patience, morals: The lessons are everywhere I look.

Lastly I’ve really fallen back on my spirituality. My particular flavor is Buddhism. But hey, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, etc. – you have to stick with what works best for you. My faith really grounds me. I find myself recognizing the moment so much more often and embracing those precious seconds of here and now. It’s wonderful after drinking so much of the present away. The Buddhist tenants of skillful thought and meditation are things I use all the time now. I find when I approach life in such a manner the rewards I receive are ten-fold. But you don’t have to take my word for it. No matter your faith, really apply it to your life and let me know how things turn out. I believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

But most of all I credit my family. I have the most amazing parents a person could ask for. They watched the roller coaster called My Life over the past 10 years or so and stood by, offering guidance (or a well placed kick to the backside) when I needed it. The saw me at my worst times; drunk and belligerent, in a court for DUI, screaming at my ex-wife and are now seeing me at my best. It’s only possible because of their love, devotion, dedication and hard work. I owe them a debt that can never be repayed. But I promise I will try and take all this positive steam and put it towards being the kind of person, and living the kind of life, that makes them proud.

And too all my friends who have kept me afloat on an unrelenting sea of depression and self-loathing, thank you for your patience. I really have far better friends than I deserve. If it wasn’t for you there’s no telling where I might be. I use to overvalue socialization and I allowed it to run my life. I cut my losses and hunkered down with a small group of true friends – and I am constantly enriched and blessed by all of you.

Lastly I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my ex-wife. Even though things didn’t work out in our lives as we hoped and vowed that day almost six years ago, you’ve been patient, kind, and continued to support and tolerate me through the hurdles of our divorce and now raising children. Many women would have gone bananas over the monkey business I caused. But you have been and always will be my friend. And to say I am thankful for that is perhaps the understatement of my life.

I never knew so much good could come out of something that at the time seemed so bad. But as Norman Ollestad said, “Now I realize inside each turbulence there is a calm; a sliver of light buried in the darkness.”

18 months ago I came within seconds of taking my own life. I had lost my job, my family, my freedoms; I was at rock bottom. I remember feeling like I had nothing. That sense of emptiness was so scary. I wasn’t even mad – Just alone. But a random phone call from an old friend came at the exact right moment in time. I remember the taste of the cold barrel in my mouth and hearing the ringing of the phone. I can’t believe how close I came to leaving this World.

So today, on this Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for. I’m blessed with the best children a father could hope for; two wonderful kids who love me despite my flaws, who look up to me and love me unconditionally. I have two fantastic ex-wives who I remain friends with to this day. I cherish not only the times we use to have together, but the ones we have now as well. I have the most supportive family imaginable. My parents and brothers have watched me trip, stumble and fall and have always been there standing beside me when I need them.

I am also so thankful to you – all my friends old and new who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, this blog and the like. Social Networking has allowed me to chronicle my life – the ups and downs, good times and bad – and I am so thankful that you are there to tag along for the journey; sometimes offering advice or putting a foot in my ass if I need it. I appreciate you putting up with my crazy antics and listening to my wild stories. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without all of you in it.

Most of all I am thankful for my life – for the chance to sit and watch a sunset, or see the twinkle in my son’s eye on a Christmas morning; the ability to get in my truck, put the windows down and feel the wind against my face and know I am alive. I’m thankful for each breath I am blessed to take in this World because late on a Friday night 18 months ago I was a split second away from giving this life up.

I came back home this weekend. A house is more than just four walls; it’s a refuge where we feel warm, secure and welcome. The house I sit and write this in is littered with memories.

This house came to me in an unusual fashion. Quasi-bequeathed to me, my grandparents bought this home in 1964 immediately after my “paw-paw” retired from the Army. The brought their three children here – the oldest of which was my mother – and lived out their life together.

My mom married my dad in the dining room; my Uncle Sam tried to sneak in drunk late at night. I remember throwing baseball in the yard and listening to Braves games on the radio. I remember spending the night here every chance I got, completely content in the love and affection only grandparents can give.

But there are memories that hurt as well; having to say goodbye to my grandfather as he laid on his deathbed with that rattle in his chest. The kitchen table my grandmother was eating her breakfast at when she has a fatal heart attack greets me every time I go to grab a bite.

Then when a time came in my life that I needed a place; a time when my young wife and I were struggling, this house was our safe haven also.  I started raising my kids here; playing ball in the yard just like my family had done with me. I remember jumping out of bed and rushing to the hospital to see my daughter’s birth. We celebrated birthdays at that same kitchen table.

And as prone to happen in life, the bad times followed the good. I remember sitting in the same room my paw-paw died in and hearing Heather tell me that “she was sorry…but it’s over.” A part of me died in that room also. I remember sitting in the same kitchen chair my grandmother ate her last meal in and crying the day I got out of jail for DUI.

So I ran away. I let those painful, negative memories overpower those positive ones. But this weekend I came back home. Now I sit here writing this, watching my son play on the bed where four generations of my family have lived, loved, laughed and sometimes died and I realize that this place will always be home. I’m so tired of running and feeling lost. Tonight, sitting with my children and soaking in all these memories again…it’s the first time I’ve felt warm, secure, welcome – Home – since the day I left.

I'm still chasing my dreams like fireflies...

I wish I could tell you what happened. I wish I knew what it was that seems to make me cursed in love. But I don’t know. Believe me; if I did I would change it. As fast as my ex-wife wanted to reconcile, she ended it before we had even really started again. A lot of my friends seem to think I should be bitter or angry about what happened to me…but I’m not. I still want the one thing I have wanted for the last 8 years of my life – since the first time I ever saw her; for her to be happy. Regardless if I’m with her or not, her happiness is what’s most important to me.

I think that’s what unconditional love is. My ex-wife doesn’t have to be with me, but I can’t stand the thoughts of her being unhappy. Don’t get me wrong, this experience has hurt. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it was reopening a cut that I had finally closed. I feel as if I’ve almost bled out. But I have learned a lot about myself, about love and now about forgiveness. I didn’t necessarily get what I wanted out of the last month or so of my life – but I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt I got what I needed. I don’t believe in coincidence or happenstance; I went into this experience thinking I would get my wife back and that this was meant to be.

But what I got was a lesson in true love and humility. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. And here I am – back in Atlanta, sitting in the exact seat I was in 30 days ago. It’s almost as if I hit some kind of time warp and was transported for a month of my life and suddenly here I am again, beamed back to where I was sitting almost as if I dreamt it all. It’s really kind of surreal.

I don’t know what exactly I’m going to do with myself at this point – I have an idea where I want to get…but I have to try and figure out the best way to get there. In that respect, leaving this city and walking away from my life was quite detrimental. But life is all about risks and chances. I learned that I am not what she wants – and as a hard a pill as that is to swallow, it’s something I have to deal with. Now that we both know that for sure I have to reclose that cut and press forward with my life – for myself and my children.

So here I am rebuilding…again. I know I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and get to where it is I am headed. The road to that place is just so different than I ever expected it to be. So it’s time to stop focusing on what might have been. I’m once again setting the past behind me and chasing my dreams like a little boy chases fireflies against an Alabama night sky; one at a time, jumping as high as he can to grab them.

It’s been a really tough week thus far emotionally for me. I mentioned the reconciliation discussion last Sunday (see my previous blog) and ever since then I have been really confused if what we are doing was the right thing. Marriages are complicated – heck, any kind of relationship has its ups and downs. I have been down on my hands and knees in prayer about my family and better half all week. The only time I seem to have had any clarity has been when I am praying or running.

I want us to be like these two. Old people in love are so cute!

But today I became clear on everything. I don’t know if I just saw it in a different light or if it just took me a while to process what God was telling me. I have received so many differing opinions from friends about what to do. But the fact is most of them aren’t divorced, or don’t have children, or have never even been married. I know they care about me and want what’s best for my life – but they also don’t have a full-view of the situation or any relative experience. I had to go to the Lord for final guidance on this issue.

Heather and I are both scared to death. I thought at first that was a bad thing – I thought that we should both feel amazing about trying to make our marriage work again. I thought we shouldn’t be worried or concerned. But I realized today that I was wrong. We SHOULD be scared and nervous. When things ended I was an alcoholic, she was in a deep depression, and things were very, very dark and meek. We essentially lived separate of each other. I understand why we are hesitant. We are scared of what was. We don’t want to go back to that place and the hurt and anguish we went through a year ago.

That fright however is a blessing. It is what will drive us to make something unique and new – form a new stronger relationship over what we had even at the best of times before. We are building what is; not going back to what was. I know if we both work diligently at saving our relationship we can. God put us here for a reason…and has brought us back together for a reason. Maybe it’s not His intention for this to work out, but for us to learn a lesson along the way. I don’t know His plans – but I do know He’s always out in front of us leading us where we need to go. If we stay focused on His path, we cannot lose.

I’m not sure what the future holds for us – I hope a lifetime of happiness and joy; I hope one day we will be able to help other couples who are going through the same trials and tribulations we are. I hope I am writing this blog 50 years from now with Heather sitting by my side. But that’s not for me to decide. All I know is that God has given me a second chance with the most important woman ever in my life and I will do everything in my power to honor, love and cherish her while I can.

It was an interesting weekend. I packed up and left out Friday morning in order to help Heather with the kids. Initially I was going to show up Saturday, spend the night with her and the babies and then head to church with them in the morning. Unfortunately, a sick little girl forced Heather to take off Friday so I did what any smitten guy would do in this situation; head over a day early.

It ended up being a strange weekend, though. She is still living with her family – which is where I stayed as well. It felt much more like we were jumping right back into the way things used to be than we both liked. I think that was just because of our surroundings and the fact I was there to also spend time with my children. I am fully aware that I MUST treat her like a girlfriend if I intend for her to stay around.

I can't wait until we get back to not just being as strong a couple as we once were, but even stronger because of what we've been through.

I absolutely cannot take her for granted. We had a long discussion that might have made me cry at one point (yes…I’m a crier) about whether this was the right thing to do or not. I left uncertain of where she stood. Fortunately for me, I got a call on my drive home that she does in fact want to do this. I think we had both hoped that a newness would be there; that initial feeling of euphoria you get when you date someone and like them. But it wasn’t.
Again…surroundings I think. That’s not to say we didn’t really enjoy a lot of our time together. We took the kids to the park and softball practice, went to church, had an awesome day at the mall together…but it’s different. And it always will be. We already know everything there is to know about one another. We might not get that first feeling of infatuation back ever…but we can certainly rekindle the flames of passion in our relationship. I am working diligently on that because I know how important it is. But what we have is so much deeper and more meaningful than that. Heather pointed out that infatuation always wears off in a relationship. And then what is there? We know what we have in each other; we just have to find the sparks that were there 6 years ago.

So here we are after a very emotional week or so and barreling in towards Friday; the day we’ll all be under one roof again. My kids are super stoked. I am a little scared, but wildly excited. I know it’s going to be amazing because I am going to make it that way. God has us here and going through all this for a reason. It’s going to be turbulent at times…but I know if we keep focused on what’s important in life; our faith and our family – then we cannot and will not fail. God has something big in store for us. I can’t help but feel that in my heart.

So now I am just sitting and waiting basically; T minus 4-days until we blast-off into our new relationship and lives. It’s the most nervous and excited I have been since I told Heather “I do” more than 5 years ago. And just like that day, I am signing up for the long term; through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health. I love her so much.

I sit and write from the snow-drenched precipice of what was; living in a city I don’t really belong in, in a state where I have been unsuccessfully trying to dilutee my unhappiness by simply adjusting my surroundings. But now, everything has changed. I am hurdling toward what is instead of running from what was. Toward what it is I have wanted and desired; I have loved and missed; and been incomplete without. My axis is no longer on a tilt. My ex-wife and I reconciled yesterday. It was a year in the making and no matter how much I tried to tell myself, to lie and convince myself I didn’t need her – want her – I couldn’t fool myself.

I’ve always believed when you love something you have to set it free. Such was the case in our relationship. I knew there were things she needed to have, experiences she missed out on. I could read it in her beautiful brown eyes. So she went to live those experiences out. I believe in fate – or destiny, however. I always hoped she would return – and that having lived out those experiences she would see my love for her never stopped, was unconditional and timeless. Fortunately for me, she did see that. We both tried living without each other…but quickly realized that what we need most was the very thing we left behind – each other.

All those lonely days, sitting, wondering and waiting are over – and now we can move forward together again. Building the life we want. Absence makes the heart grow fonder – clichéd? Sure. But true. I feel like I can finally open my heart and let out so many feelings I have kept stored away. I will engulf her in the love, attention and passion she so deserves.

While not everyone agrees with my decision it is not theirs to make. I have been told to “tread lightly” and not to go back for more hurt. I would go through all that pain and suffering again just to spend one more day with her – to have her wake next to me and be there. Because the light she creates in me will always outweigh the dark. Not everyone will understand that; and that’s fine. I do and she does. And that’s all that matters in the end.

So as I watch the last of this snowy weather end, I know that tomorrow will come with sunshine to melt away the slush and ice and start fresh. Just like the weather outside my window, the ice that had cocooned me has melted away and I can once again bask in the light of my life.

I am sick with anticipation today. My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing and I can’t seem to sleep a wink. It’s not like I have a big test to take…or maybe I do. Tonight I reunite with my ex-wife to do something. I’m not really sure what we are calling this. But apparently we are going out with her friends from work. Is it a date? Just hanging out together? Who knows…and who cares, really. I’m just happy to be able to spend time with her.

I'm just like this....except replace the chick with a dude.

Why in the world am I so nervous? I feel like a school kid again. I mean honestly, I know this woman better than anyone else on the planet. Am I scared of rejection or how much has changed in our year apart? Or maybe it’s just the weird convergence of our old lives coming full-circle into our new ones. Whatever it is it’s got me pacing floors like I am going on a first date again. And I suppose, in a way I am.

All the things I wasn’t when we were married – all the parts of me I lost in our relationship – are now back. I know she missed those pieces of me also. I don’t want to lose them again. I want to be the man I vowed I would always be to her…married or not. I let that slip away for a while and I payed dearly for it. But I never stopped loving her, caring for her…and being there whenever she needed me. I always will be.

I guess it’s just normal to be nervous on a date with a beautiful, intelligent woman. I took her for granted before and lost that edge. I stopped treating her like a girlfriend and started treating her like a wife. I took her for granted. I promise that won’t happen again. Here’s to second chances and fresh starts….sweaty palms and all.

Reconciliation – it’s a term I thought I never wanted to hear. What “was” is just that – the past. But I got the call I thought I would never get from my ex-wife a few days ago. It was all about reconciling, about trying pick up where we left off. Trying to right the wrongs and fix what was broken before.

I thought after all I had been through – so much anger and hurt, that I would immediately shoot down any such idea or plan. But honestly it intrigues me. Clearly there was something there before, and there always will be. Can we get past some of the hurtful things that were said? Am I just setting myself up for more hurt? How will my children handle it? Am I just the fall-back guy? My head is littered with these thoughts and questions.

Mainly though I have to decide if this is the right move for me. I can’t go back to being the person I was then. Clearly if I take this path we’ll probably need to see a counselor. Hell, I might need to see a counselor right now. But the love I have for Heather has never gone away. It’s still right where it was. Maybe the split was just what we needed to make us realize what we had and appreciate each other.

First things first, though – I’ve got to finish working on myself. I know I have to get myself to the place I want and need to be before I can really focus on someone else. Still I am just so shocked, scared, excited and confused all at once about what’s happening. It’s a little like what I wrote about yesterday…there are so many tough adult decisions in life. I just hope I make the right one; for myself, my children and my ex-wife. The only thing I know for sure is that I’ve missed her.

There is a huge difference between being the leave-er or the leave-ee. Even when you know the relationship has gone down the tubes and it’s unrepairable – it makes all the difference in the world who throws in the towel first. I am a lot of things and have been called a lot of names in my 29 years – but a quitter has never been one of them. I have never given up on anything.

And I never quit on my marriage. I tried every way possible to be a good husband, a good friend and a good father in my life. I was willing to try any and everything to make it work – up to and including giving up all my dreams and goals to work a job I was miserable at. Just for her. But that wasn’t enough. Nothing I could have done would have been enough. That was a hard lesson learned – I should have been living for myself all along.

So when she packed up and headed out with my kids in tow, there was really only one question. What went wrong? I still don’t know today. And I realize now I will never know. I spent a lot of the last six months trying to figure it out – and the more I did, the more I became upset and angry. Angry that I gave up so much and tried so hard, just for her to walk out the front door with little or no effort or thoughts about my feelings.

Constantly evaluating it – where it went bad, what I did wrong – was making it impossible for me to let go. And then, a few days ago it hit me. The main basis of Buddhism sums it up pretty well:

Life is Suffering

I realize that sounds quite morose, but it is so true. Buddhism teaches us that everything we love in life is temporary. Everything will leave us – our parents, our spouses, our children and all our material items. If you don’t accept that, then you will suffer, because I guarantee they will all be gone one-day. And that got me thinking…

She was still taking away my life and dreams and goals. Every second I devoted to thinking of her and the time we spent together are precious seconds I was taking away from my life now. Seconds that I can never get back. As soon as I realized that – she was gone. And that’s where she’ll stay. Sure, I will occasionally have to talk with her still. But that will be it. She had her chance and she made her decisions. Now I have made mine. I wish her happiness and joy and hope that she finds whatever it is she is seeking in life. Life is too short and precious to be unhappy – so I understand why she left. In fact, it was the best thing ever to happen to me. I am now the person I always wanted to be.

So henceforth you will not again see any ramblings on what was or could have been – only what is and what will be. Things are a lot brighter when you walk towards the light instead of looking away from it. I have everything a man could want and ask for right now – a great relationship, great friends, wonderful kids and I am doing exactly what it is I want in life. I refuse to feel sorry for myself any longer. To live is to suffer – I have acknowledged that and now I have moved on to bigger and better pastures…and boobs.