Where does it all end?

I feel just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I woke up today and realized I am living the same thing over and over again. Maybe the people and places are a little different; I traded the woods of Alabama for the skyscrapers of Atlanta, but the events and emotions are exactly the same. How and when does it all end?

Maybe I have to start changing my ways and making the “right” decisions just like Phil did. It’s really surreal to wake up and realize you’re 30 years old and still your own worst enemy. I’m sitting here, once again unemployed, once again trying to figure out how to be happy, how to make a living and how to get out of this vicious cycle that has had me trapped for more than 8 years now.

My father calls what we have “The Crowe Curse.” Maybe he’s onto something. Perhaps I should just embrace this existence of daily struggle and acknowledge that’s what my life is meant to be. But I can’t help but think there’s a way out. Surely since some of the folks around me that got caught up in the curse were able to escape and find something more – I should be able to also.

Living this life was fun once upon a time, but not anymore. It’s time to change. I just don’t know how. And until I do I’ll wake up and live this same day, these same feelings, over and over until one day… when I just won’t wake up at all.

I'm still chasing my dreams like fireflies...

I wish I could tell you what happened. I wish I knew what it was that seems to make me cursed in love. But I don’t know. Believe me; if I did I would change it. As fast as my ex-wife wanted to reconcile, she ended it before we had even really started again. A lot of my friends seem to think I should be bitter or angry about what happened to me…but I’m not. I still want the one thing I have wanted for the last 8 years of my life – since the first time I ever saw her; for her to be happy. Regardless if I’m with her or not, her happiness is what’s most important to me.

I think that’s what unconditional love is. My ex-wife doesn’t have to be with me, but I can’t stand the thoughts of her being unhappy. Don’t get me wrong, this experience has hurt. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it was reopening a cut that I had finally closed. I feel as if I’ve almost bled out. But I have learned a lot about myself, about love and now about forgiveness. I didn’t necessarily get what I wanted out of the last month or so of my life – but I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt I got what I needed. I don’t believe in coincidence or happenstance; I went into this experience thinking I would get my wife back and that this was meant to be.

But what I got was a lesson in true love and humility. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. And here I am – back in Atlanta, sitting in the exact seat I was in 30 days ago. It’s almost as if I hit some kind of time warp and was transported for a month of my life and suddenly here I am again, beamed back to where I was sitting almost as if I dreamt it all. It’s really kind of surreal.

I don’t know what exactly I’m going to do with myself at this point – I have an idea where I want to get…but I have to try and figure out the best way to get there. In that respect, leaving this city and walking away from my life was quite detrimental. But life is all about risks and chances. I learned that I am not what she wants – and as a hard a pill as that is to swallow, it’s something I have to deal with. Now that we both know that for sure I have to reclose that cut and press forward with my life – for myself and my children.

So here I am rebuilding…again. I know I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and get to where it is I am headed. The road to that place is just so different than I ever expected it to be. So it’s time to stop focusing on what might have been. I’m once again setting the past behind me and chasing my dreams like a little boy chases fireflies against an Alabama night sky; one at a time, jumping as high as he can to grab them.

I sit and write from the snow-drenched precipice of what was; living in a city I don’t really belong in, in a state where I have been unsuccessfully trying to dilutee my unhappiness by simply adjusting my surroundings. But now, everything has changed. I am hurdling toward what is instead of running from what was. Toward what it is I have wanted and desired; I have loved and missed; and been incomplete without. My axis is no longer on a tilt. My ex-wife and I reconciled yesterday. It was a year in the making and no matter how much I tried to tell myself, to lie and convince myself I didn’t need her – want her – I couldn’t fool myself.

I’ve always believed when you love something you have to set it free. Such was the case in our relationship. I knew there were things she needed to have, experiences she missed out on. I could read it in her beautiful brown eyes. So she went to live those experiences out. I believe in fate – or destiny, however. I always hoped she would return – and that having lived out those experiences she would see my love for her never stopped, was unconditional and timeless. Fortunately for me, she did see that. We both tried living without each other…but quickly realized that what we need most was the very thing we left behind – each other.

All those lonely days, sitting, wondering and waiting are over – and now we can move forward together again. Building the life we want. Absence makes the heart grow fonder – clichéd? Sure. But true. I feel like I can finally open my heart and let out so many feelings I have kept stored away. I will engulf her in the love, attention and passion she so deserves.

While not everyone agrees with my decision it is not theirs to make. I have been told to “tread lightly” and not to go back for more hurt. I would go through all that pain and suffering again just to spend one more day with her – to have her wake next to me and be there. Because the light she creates in me will always outweigh the dark. Not everyone will understand that; and that’s fine. I do and she does. And that’s all that matters in the end.

So as I watch the last of this snowy weather end, I know that tomorrow will come with sunshine to melt away the slush and ice and start fresh. Just like the weather outside my window, the ice that had cocooned me has melted away and I can once again bask in the light of my life.

One minute she was sitting behind a steering wheel, madly in love with her boyfriend – planning a future rich with a huge wedding, three children, house warming parties and trips to Panama City Beach. And then, one second later, she was gone.

Tim went to work the swing shift at the video store to support his son. “Life isn’t easy for a single dad,” he would tell me. But he made sacrifices. He and his coworkers laughed, talked about girls and their plans for the weekend. And then, a man came in with a gun, blindfolded them and took them in the back. Tim was gone.

Eric seemed like your average teenager – he would ride his skateboard and listen to his favorite bands. But he hid something – something none of us will ever be able to help him with. Because one afternoon he decided he didn’t want to be here anymore …and just like that…he was gone.

Life is so precious. Every minute we have is a gift. A time to treasure friends, family, sunsets and sunrises – to have that feeling you get when you hold your newborn child for the first time, or to feel the sweet satisfaction of achieving your goals and seeing your dreams become realities. To experience that numbness you get from a first kiss, or the joy of finding a long, lost love.

I want to love and laugh and live life to it’s fullest. I want to dream and achieve. I want all of you to come with me – to be by my side and see the beauty too. I don’t want to die with regrets – with what should have been. I beg you to enjoy your life and the time you have – it’s the most precious gift you have ever been given. Find the beauty in whatever it is you do. If you are unhappy – change. Don’t lose yourself. Cry, laugh, love, think, become a piece of that beauty in the world every single day. Don’t survive – live – for this moment, this very second and know that each and everyone of you are pieces in the mosaic of beauty I see everyday.

There is a huge difference between being the leave-er or the leave-ee. Even when you know the relationship has gone down the tubes and it’s unrepairable – it makes all the difference in the world who throws in the towel first. I am a lot of things and have been called a lot of names in my 29 years – but a quitter has never been one of them. I have never given up on anything.

And I never quit on my marriage. I tried every way possible to be a good husband, a good friend and a good father in my life. I was willing to try any and everything to make it work – up to and including giving up all my dreams and goals to work a job I was miserable at. Just for her. But that wasn’t enough. Nothing I could have done would have been enough. That was a hard lesson learned – I should have been living for myself all along.

So when she packed up and headed out with my kids in tow, there was really only one question. What went wrong? I still don’t know today. And I realize now I will never know. I spent a lot of the last six months trying to figure it out – and the more I did, the more I became upset and angry. Angry that I gave up so much and tried so hard, just for her to walk out the front door with little or no effort or thoughts about my feelings.

Constantly evaluating it – where it went bad, what I did wrong – was making it impossible for me to let go. And then, a few days ago it hit me. The main basis of Buddhism sums it up pretty well:

Life is Suffering

I realize that sounds quite morose, but it is so true. Buddhism teaches us that everything we love in life is temporary. Everything will leave us – our parents, our spouses, our children and all our material items. If you don’t accept that, then you will suffer, because I guarantee they will all be gone one-day. And that got me thinking…

She was still taking away my life and dreams and goals. Every second I devoted to thinking of her and the time we spent together are precious seconds I was taking away from my life now. Seconds that I can never get back. As soon as I realized that – she was gone. And that’s where she’ll stay. Sure, I will occasionally have to talk with her still. But that will be it. She had her chance and she made her decisions. Now I have made mine. I wish her happiness and joy and hope that she finds whatever it is she is seeking in life. Life is too short and precious to be unhappy – so I understand why she left. In fact, it was the best thing ever to happen to me. I am now the person I always wanted to be.

So henceforth you will not again see any ramblings on what was or could have been – only what is and what will be. Things are a lot brighter when you walk towards the light instead of looking away from it. I have everything a man could want and ask for right now – a great relationship, great friends, wonderful kids and I am doing exactly what it is I want in life. I refuse to feel sorry for myself any longer. To live is to suffer – I have acknowledged that and now I have moved on to bigger and better pastures…and boobs.

“My toughest fight was with my first wife.” – Muhammed Ali

It's not about fists: it's about heart.

I have gone and started on a quest that I have dreamed about since I was a little boy. I have taken up boxing as my one – and only – hobby.
I have become enamored with the sport. Pugilism – the art of fighting with the fists – is something I sat in my room and dreamed of doing when I was a little boy. Watching Mike Tyson tear through opponents in seconds, I always had the desire to fight. And like most Alabama boys I had my fair share of disagreements that were best solved via fisticuffs. But this journey I have embarked on – this is completely different.

Boxing, as I am learning, is not about the other person in the ring. It’s not a battle with an opponent. It is a battle within you. It is your mind telling you to stop – you are tired, weak, beaten. It is that battle you must conquer. It’s all about overcoming your own demons, problems and constraints to get to a place where you perform at your highest level. The training is absolute hell – it is all about enduring pain and winning that battle in your mind. It is everything I ever wanted and needed.

It allows me to escape my world – to go into a side of myself I never knew existed – to gaze into a part of Russell I have never seen before. Nothing worthwhile ever comes without hardship and pain. That is the story of my life. I love what Ali said in that quote. No fight can be worse than that with a loved one – a fight as your go through the demise of a relationship or stand among the crumbled ruins of what once was or could have been. It took pain and hardship – the kind of fights Ali talked about – to get me here. As odd as it sounds, I am thankful for that. Now that I am here, by comparison, fighting and life seem easier.

But through this art of fighting – this combat sport, I am learning that all those arguments and problems – whether it was a in a relationship, at a job or with my family – were never truly with another person – they were with myself. I now see that – and I am fixing the broken parts every time I step in that gym. It might not be for everyone – getting punched in the guts and face over and over – but for me it is The Greatest Battle. It is the fight for my life, my soul and the chance to forgive myself. Beating the hell out of someone may sound therapeutic– maybe relieve some pent-up frustrations – but it is the getting there that is saving me, one punch at a time.

In March of this year, I blew out my knee. Then in April I woke up to find my wife and children gone. A month later I found myself in a jail cell. To add insult to injury, a month after that I lost a $70,000 a year job. I thought I was finished – but what I didn’t see, or couldn’t realize, was that life had different plans for Russell Crowe.

The longer I make my way through this existence, the more clear things seem to me. I use to think a mistake meant that something was gone – that I had lost something I could never get back. But I am realizing that a mistake or bad decision often is simply a way of life telling you “not now” – or to take a different approach. And believe me; I have made some bad decisions.

But it seems more and more as I sit back and look at it, that life has a peculiar way of working in circles and always taking you back to the places, people and things that you are meant to be with. No matter how much you try and escape yourself – you simply cannot fight that power. But if you open yourself up to this, and look for the positive in this experience – it can be life changing.

As Albert Schweitzer said, “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.   It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.”

I have been fortunate to meet so many people over the last 6 months who have rekindled my fire – who have taught me about me – and about what it means to really, truly be alive. To love and long, to be open and honest with yourself, to hurt and heal, to be the person you were meant to become. My ends were eerily easy to see – a prison cell, a mental hospital, a ditch or dead. But a force more powerful than me gave me new people to learn from, as well as reacquainting me with old ones that I continue to learn from and who reignite the fires in my soul.

As I sit every morning and stare at this computer screen debating on what to write, and I can’t help but think about when I was trying to do this one year ago. My life was a blank slate – I couldn’t express my feelings or thoughts, they were smothered by my addiction, by my bad decisions and by my fears and misery. I was a slave to life and to the monotonous grind of working in a place you hate. Now when I look at that same screen the possibilities are endless and the opportunities are completely open. I guess the blog writing is simply a metaphor for my life.

So here I am, full circle back to the wide-eyed young man I was 12 years ago, albeit a little wiser for the times. I am full of energy, passion and zest for each day and breath I take. It was a strange lesson life gave me – what it took to get back to this place. But it was never more than I could handle. I was tested, and I passed. I have found the things, people and places that make me who I am and who I want to be. I am forever indebted to those trials and tribulations for taking me full circle – and helping me find the person I lost many years ago. I thank each and every one of you – you know who you are – for helping save me. I am forever in your debt.

Dear God, If I make it out with my anal virginity I will never do it again!

I have had the unique pleasure over the last few weeks of attending a Level 2 Substance Recovery Class courtesy of the fine state of Alabama. Every Sunday morning I get to go and sit with a strange and eclectic group of pot smokers, beer drinkers and a guy who got a public intoxication charge at a hot-air balloon festival.(He is at the bottom of our class hierarchy) I’m going to be honest – I dreaded attending this thing more than a 18 year-old girl does gaining the “Freshman 15.”

I was smashed when I received this sentence for a first-time DUI. Then again, I was also really smashed when I got arrested. This is probably why I am not nor ever will be a judge. But I have taken so much from this class – I have learned a great deal about myself by talking and listening – something that has never been my strong suit. I learned that it’s very, very easy to make one impressively bad decision and have that effect the rest of your life. But I have also learned that it is equally easy to make decisions to change yourself and get what you want out of life. Not to mention I have picked up random tidbits of knowledge from the wise musings of a few ex-cons who spent several years in prison.

1.There are many great, easy ways to make Meth – but doing so will most likely end up in you blowing yourself up or losing your teeth. Lesson Learned = Meth is bad for your future and your dental hygiene.

2. Making “Julip Juice” – aka Prison Wine – in the toilet of your cell will land you and everyone in your cell block 6 additional months if caught. Lesson learned = Do this and find yourself on the wrong end of a shank

3. Prison Food is not only unhealthy to eat but can be used as a weapon – if you turn your tray upside down the grits will not fall out. Lesson Learned = if the meanest SOB on your cell block steals your biscuit – grow eyes in the back of your head, he could kill you with it.

Of course, aside from this knowledge that I hope I, or any of you for that matter, never need to use in the Big House, I have actually learned some amazing things. I have tons of respect for my classmates and one in particular told me something yesterday that really got me thinking. Life is not something that happens to you, he told me. It is something that you make happen – just one tidbit of wisdom he spouted to me after 7 years of soul-searching in a federal prison.

And it is the most direct and accurate advice I have ever been given. He said it with such certainty and for good reason. He has changed his life, finished a degree and completely changed his world all despite being an ex-convict. I feel fortunate I don’t have to learn the same way he did. If there are things you want, goals you aim for, places and things you want to see and people you wish to find again – YOU have to do it. Sitting idly on the sidelines never helps win the game. If we wait for great things we will wake up one day and wonder what happened to life. Nothing in life is given to us – but it is all there for the taking.

I feel like a new person each and every day as I rebuild my life into what I want it to be. I wake up with such excitement and passion every morning. Each day is an adventure and a chance to get what I want. I didn’t think about this class in those terms. I could have gone and just sat through it and learned nothing – an opportunity lost. But instead, I grabbed life by the horns, embraced the course, and it has given me more lessons and tools in 2 months than I had learned over the last 29 years. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to dry out some Skoal so I can hand-roll some cigarettes out of it. Those trade 4 to 1 or so I’ve heard…

The streets of San Fransisco weren’t particularly nice to Chris Gardner. He saw life’s up and downs. Chris was a salesman struggling to make a living and support his son. He had a dream and a goal. But pursuing that goal proved incredibly difficult. Despite struggling with homelessness and hunger, he stuck with his plan and gave everything he had to bettering his life for himself and his family. And it worked. Now a self-made millionaire and motivational speaker, Gardner (whose story has been told in the Will Smith film The Pursuit of Happyness) achieved not just “The American Dream,” but built the life he wanted for himself.

Sometimes we have to reach and grasp for the impossible despite the odds. It’s easy to say a goal is unattainable. Excuses abound: “I am too old,” “I don’t have the money,” or “There’s not enough hours in the day.” But the truth is we prioritize what’s important and anything is possible if we dedicate ourselves to it. Change is the catalyst for making these dreams reality. But change scares most of us.

We get comfortable in our lives and surroundings and don’t realize anything is possible, or just don’t want to work to change them. A friend of mine who is a social worker was discussing this with me, in terms of abusive relationships. People become trapped and go back over and over again. It’s a vicious cycle. But we control our own destiny. We live in a country where we have the opportunity to become whatever or whoever we wish to. It’s an opportunity I won’t let go to waste.

Every day we should make a change – no matter how big or small. I think that’s what keeps us alive. Yesterday I decided I am moving to San Antonio to further pursue dreams that I had left behind. Is it scary? Sure. But it is equally exciting and fulfilling. Remember – it is never too late. Ask yourself: Am I living or simply surviving? Fight your fears and listen to your heart. You know yourself better than anyone. Follow your dreams, even if they take you off the beaten path. You’ll be a better and happier person for it. Don’t make excuses and don’t put it off until later. Later may never come.

I have been making huge changes everyday in my life and things are always fun, exciting and fantastic. I hope you can have the same kind of life. Go down the paths your heart leads you no matter how difficult they may seem. As Robert Frost famously wrote: “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I — I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

Chris Gardner found happiness despite facing some of the most difficult obstacles life could throw at him. We should all hope to be so lucky. Or rather, we should work as hard as Chris to get what we want from life. No matter how cliched it may sound, remember that it is the journey – not the destination that matters most.