You’ve only got a few weeks left to live; that’s what the doctor’s recently told my Uncle Bob. He’s had cancer for the last couple of years and has fought it valiantly. But a week or so ago he found out that it had finally spread from his colon into his stomach and liver and that chemotherapy was no longer a viable option for him. It deflated us all.

A little background on my Uncle Bob; He was epileptic as a child and has myriad health problems including schizophrenia and the like. He never finished school and as such thinks and functions on about a 4th grade level or so. He lives in a garage we converted into apartment behind my home and I help to take care of him. Aside from his lack of social development he is also a bit of a junk collector and enjoys fighting against causes such as bathing, shaving, etc. Hygiene is not his strong suit.

Bob has never had any real family of his own and never dated. He’s only had a job or two his entire life. His existence has pretty much been doing what he wants and enjoys on his limited income. That involves watching cartoons, going to thrift stores and trying to figure out how create rockets or build his own solar panels. Grandiose plans…but they make him happy. Don’t feel bad for him, though. He has loved his life.

I also think that’s how he’s been able to live so much longer than his initial prognosis of 6 months left. That was more than 2 years ago. The lack of stress, of leaving anything, has really helped him.

But the last few weeks have been hard for him. And me. His suffering has become almost more than I can stand to watch. I am feeding him narcotics like they are Skittles – and he still rolls around in the floor writhing in pain. It’s ripping me apart emotionally.

What was most amazing was when he found out that the cancer had run its course – and he would be dead within a few weeks, he wanted to come and tell me personally. He was so worried whether I would be alright when he told me. He wasn’t even concerned about himself. He keeps checking on me, and asking me if I am okay…despite his own pain and limited time. He is truly an incredible person. And to say I am going to miss him would be an understatement.

I hope I can get him into Hospice or a nursing home soon. He needs more care than I can give him now. I am so scared I’m going to go to the grocery store or class only to come home and find him dead. No one should die alone…and suffer alone as much as he has.

I know he can tell how badly I am worrying and hurting for him. It’s remarkable he still cares more about me than himself. Despite his gruffness and wild look he is one of the most remarkable and sensitive people I know. I hope whatever happens he doesn’t suffer much more. And that he goes knowing how much I love and care for him. I just had no idea how terribly difficult it is to watch someone die this way. And I hope it’s a long time before I have to see it again.

When we’re young we often feel invincible. We do wild and crazy things; never have hangovers; can function on little or no sleep and somehow manage to look good through all of it. Over the last two weeks I’ve watched as many of my friends lose their lives. The truth is we want to stay young forever; but we don’t. Every decision we make has repercussions that are felt now or later. There are certain lifestyles that aren’t safe to live anymore.

Jake and Misty were old classmates of mine that have left us over the last couple of weeks. I’m not sure what happened to Jake but Misty committed suicide. Both losses really blindsided me. My high school classmates were almost all still alive. I guess that made it easy to still feel young. Although I hadn’t see Jake since high school I had spent a fair amount of time with Misty since I left the Air Force – although not recently. It really reminds me how fragile life can be: Here one second gone the next.

If you’ve read anything of mine in the past you know I have battled for years with alcoholism and depression. My on again off again problems with drinking never scared me that badly because I always considered myself young and invincible. But as the last two weeks have shown me; I am not. It’s almost as if the Universe is warning me. Well, I am listening.

“Death is not the end of who we are. It is only a brief pause in the endless cycle of our lives. Each of us is a spirit that cannot die.”

I hate that I had to lose two friends to wake up and really see what’s going on around me and what I have been doing to myself; but sometimes it takes a swift kick in the ass. And that’s what I got. It’s so eerie and uncomfortable that as I was writing a blog Thursday about nearly committing suicide a friend of mine was doing that exact thing. I’m not great at reading between the lines – and thankfully this time I don’t have to. It’s time to start living right.

I’m thankful for the lesson I’ve learned from these tragedies, but I sure wish I could have learned them some other way. There are so many left behind; sons, daughters, parents, brothers and sisters. I wish I could have done something to help before it was too late. Now they’re just memories. To say they will be missed by many is an understatement.

As a Buddhist I hope your journey is a safe one; that your Karma from this life helps you get closer to enlightenment and that we meet again in the future.

18 months ago I came within seconds of taking my own life. I had lost my job, my family, my freedoms; I was at rock bottom. I remember feeling like I had nothing. That sense of emptiness was so scary. I wasn’t even mad – Just alone. But a random phone call from an old friend came at the exact right moment in time. I remember the taste of the cold barrel in my mouth and hearing the ringing of the phone. I can’t believe how close I came to leaving this World.

So today, on this Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for. I’m blessed with the best children a father could hope for; two wonderful kids who love me despite my flaws, who look up to me and love me unconditionally. I have two fantastic ex-wives who I remain friends with to this day. I cherish not only the times we use to have together, but the ones we have now as well. I have the most supportive family imaginable. My parents and brothers have watched me trip, stumble and fall and have always been there standing beside me when I need them.

I am also so thankful to you – all my friends old and new who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, this blog and the like. Social Networking has allowed me to chronicle my life – the ups and downs, good times and bad – and I am so thankful that you are there to tag along for the journey; sometimes offering advice or putting a foot in my ass if I need it. I appreciate you putting up with my crazy antics and listening to my wild stories. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without all of you in it.

Most of all I am thankful for my life – for the chance to sit and watch a sunset, or see the twinkle in my son’s eye on a Christmas morning; the ability to get in my truck, put the windows down and feel the wind against my face and know I am alive. I’m thankful for each breath I am blessed to take in this World because late on a Friday night 18 months ago I was a split second away from giving this life up.

My life is basically made up of three major sections; the professional, the personal and the spiritual. They aren’t always working together or even in equal thirds. To be honest I’m not sure I’ll ever get them balanced out effectively. Circumstances like time,distance and myriad other factors always seem to work against me. If you’re asking why that matters I’ll tell you. I think this ‘Trifecta’ is what we have to master and balance in order to truly be happy in life.

I feel like I have finally turned a corner in my personal life. I’ve met an awesome woman I have a ton of interest in. Surprisingly that feeling is being reciprocated. It’s taken me forever to feel like I want to try and even entertain the idea of a dating again. But for some reason it just feels right. And I know it’s okay to roll with this feeling. So the balance has switched towards the personal and I’m stoked about how things are going.

But professionally I feel more and more disillusioned with every passing minute. Every day I feel less like I’m in the right place. I suppose that was always a possibility with learning a new career, especially now that I’m getting more into the heart and soul of medicine. It’s one thing to see it on television. As I learned this week it’s entirely different to be there in person. So while I take two steps forward personally, I feel like I’m taking one back professionally.

Maybe the key to figuring all this out lies in the corner of the triangle I pay the least amount of attention to. I know religion and spirituality are incredibly important in life. Oddly I find it’s also the easiest part of my life to blow off. There’s always an excuse for missing church, or not meditating, or whatever the case may be. Maybe spirituality is the Rosetta Stone for finding contentment in those other areas of your life. Perhaps my focus has been wrong all along. If I put my faith at the forefront maybe things will automatically balance themselves out. I hope so. I’m tired of feeling like my life is a game of Marble Madness, constantly tilting and shifting. I’m ready to beat that game for good.

If you have found that balance in your life I’d love to hear from you. Let me know about your Rosetta Stone or experiences. I always learn so much from the comments, email and responses I receive. As always, thanks for dropping by. Be real, be true and be good.

Where does it all end?

I feel just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. I woke up today and realized I am living the same thing over and over again. Maybe the people and places are a little different; I traded the woods of Alabama for the skyscrapers of Atlanta, but the events and emotions are exactly the same. How and when does it all end?

Maybe I have to start changing my ways and making the “right” decisions just like Phil did. It’s really surreal to wake up and realize you’re 30 years old and still your own worst enemy. I’m sitting here, once again unemployed, once again trying to figure out how to be happy, how to make a living and how to get out of this vicious cycle that has had me trapped for more than 8 years now.

My father calls what we have “The Crowe Curse.” Maybe he’s onto something. Perhaps I should just embrace this existence of daily struggle and acknowledge that’s what my life is meant to be. But I can’t help but think there’s a way out. Surely since some of the folks around me that got caught up in the curse were able to escape and find something more – I should be able to also.

Living this life was fun once upon a time, but not anymore. It’s time to change. I just don’t know how. And until I do I’ll wake up and live this same day, these same feelings, over and over until one day… when I just won’t wake up at all.

I came back home this weekend. A house is more than just four walls; it’s a refuge where we feel warm, secure and welcome. The house I sit and write this in is littered with memories.

This house came to me in an unusual fashion. Quasi-bequeathed to me, my grandparents bought this home in 1964 immediately after my “paw-paw” retired from the Army. The brought their three children here – the oldest of which was my mother – and lived out their life together.

My mom married my dad in the dining room; my Uncle Sam tried to sneak in drunk late at night. I remember throwing baseball in the yard and listening to Braves games on the radio. I remember spending the night here every chance I got, completely content in the love and affection only grandparents can give.

But there are memories that hurt as well; having to say goodbye to my grandfather as he laid on his deathbed with that rattle in his chest. The kitchen table my grandmother was eating her breakfast at when she has a fatal heart attack greets me every time I go to grab a bite.

Then when a time came in my life that I needed a place; a time when my young wife and I were struggling, this house was our safe haven also.  I started raising my kids here; playing ball in the yard just like my family had done with me. I remember jumping out of bed and rushing to the hospital to see my daughter’s birth. We celebrated birthdays at that same kitchen table.

And as prone to happen in life, the bad times followed the good. I remember sitting in the same room my paw-paw died in and hearing Heather tell me that “she was sorry…but it’s over.” A part of me died in that room also. I remember sitting in the same kitchen chair my grandmother ate her last meal in and crying the day I got out of jail for DUI.

So I ran away. I let those painful, negative memories overpower those positive ones. But this weekend I came back home. Now I sit here writing this, watching my son play on the bed where four generations of my family have lived, loved, laughed and sometimes died and I realize that this place will always be home. I’m so tired of running and feeling lost. Tonight, sitting with my children and soaking in all these memories again…it’s the first time I’ve felt warm, secure, welcome – Home – since the day I left.

I'm still chasing my dreams like fireflies...

I wish I could tell you what happened. I wish I knew what it was that seems to make me cursed in love. But I don’t know. Believe me; if I did I would change it. As fast as my ex-wife wanted to reconcile, she ended it before we had even really started again. A lot of my friends seem to think I should be bitter or angry about what happened to me…but I’m not. I still want the one thing I have wanted for the last 8 years of my life – since the first time I ever saw her; for her to be happy. Regardless if I’m with her or not, her happiness is what’s most important to me.

I think that’s what unconditional love is. My ex-wife doesn’t have to be with me, but I can’t stand the thoughts of her being unhappy. Don’t get me wrong, this experience has hurt. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that it was reopening a cut that I had finally closed. I feel as if I’ve almost bled out. But I have learned a lot about myself, about love and now about forgiveness. I didn’t necessarily get what I wanted out of the last month or so of my life – but I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt I got what I needed. I don’t believe in coincidence or happenstance; I went into this experience thinking I would get my wife back and that this was meant to be.

But what I got was a lesson in true love and humility. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around it all. And here I am – back in Atlanta, sitting in the exact seat I was in 30 days ago. It’s almost as if I hit some kind of time warp and was transported for a month of my life and suddenly here I am again, beamed back to where I was sitting almost as if I dreamt it all. It’s really kind of surreal.

I don’t know what exactly I’m going to do with myself at this point – I have an idea where I want to get…but I have to try and figure out the best way to get there. In that respect, leaving this city and walking away from my life was quite detrimental. But life is all about risks and chances. I learned that I am not what she wants – and as a hard a pill as that is to swallow, it’s something I have to deal with. Now that we both know that for sure I have to reclose that cut and press forward with my life – for myself and my children.

So here I am rebuilding…again. I know I’ll find what it is I’m looking for and get to where it is I am headed. The road to that place is just so different than I ever expected it to be. So it’s time to stop focusing on what might have been. I’m once again setting the past behind me and chasing my dreams like a little boy chases fireflies against an Alabama night sky; one at a time, jumping as high as he can to grab them.

It’s been a really tough week thus far emotionally for me. I mentioned the reconciliation discussion last Sunday (see my previous blog) and ever since then I have been really confused if what we are doing was the right thing. Marriages are complicated – heck, any kind of relationship has its ups and downs. I have been down on my hands and knees in prayer about my family and better half all week. The only time I seem to have had any clarity has been when I am praying or running.

I want us to be like these two. Old people in love are so cute!

But today I became clear on everything. I don’t know if I just saw it in a different light or if it just took me a while to process what God was telling me. I have received so many differing opinions from friends about what to do. But the fact is most of them aren’t divorced, or don’t have children, or have never even been married. I know they care about me and want what’s best for my life – but they also don’t have a full-view of the situation or any relative experience. I had to go to the Lord for final guidance on this issue.

Heather and I are both scared to death. I thought at first that was a bad thing – I thought that we should both feel amazing about trying to make our marriage work again. I thought we shouldn’t be worried or concerned. But I realized today that I was wrong. We SHOULD be scared and nervous. When things ended I was an alcoholic, she was in a deep depression, and things were very, very dark and meek. We essentially lived separate of each other. I understand why we are hesitant. We are scared of what was. We don’t want to go back to that place and the hurt and anguish we went through a year ago.

That fright however is a blessing. It is what will drive us to make something unique and new – form a new stronger relationship over what we had even at the best of times before. We are building what is; not going back to what was. I know if we both work diligently at saving our relationship we can. God put us here for a reason…and has brought us back together for a reason. Maybe it’s not His intention for this to work out, but for us to learn a lesson along the way. I don’t know His plans – but I do know He’s always out in front of us leading us where we need to go. If we stay focused on His path, we cannot lose.

I’m not sure what the future holds for us – I hope a lifetime of happiness and joy; I hope one day we will be able to help other couples who are going through the same trials and tribulations we are. I hope I am writing this blog 50 years from now with Heather sitting by my side. But that’s not for me to decide. All I know is that God has given me a second chance with the most important woman ever in my life and I will do everything in my power to honor, love and cherish her while I can.

It was an interesting weekend. I packed up and left out Friday morning in order to help Heather with the kids. Initially I was going to show up Saturday, spend the night with her and the babies and then head to church with them in the morning. Unfortunately, a sick little girl forced Heather to take off Friday so I did what any smitten guy would do in this situation; head over a day early.

It ended up being a strange weekend, though. She is still living with her family – which is where I stayed as well. It felt much more like we were jumping right back into the way things used to be than we both liked. I think that was just because of our surroundings and the fact I was there to also spend time with my children. I am fully aware that I MUST treat her like a girlfriend if I intend for her to stay around.

I can't wait until we get back to not just being as strong a couple as we once were, but even stronger because of what we've been through.

I absolutely cannot take her for granted. We had a long discussion that might have made me cry at one point (yes…I’m a crier) about whether this was the right thing to do or not. I left uncertain of where she stood. Fortunately for me, I got a call on my drive home that she does in fact want to do this. I think we had both hoped that a newness would be there; that initial feeling of euphoria you get when you date someone and like them. But it wasn’t.
Again…surroundings I think. That’s not to say we didn’t really enjoy a lot of our time together. We took the kids to the park and softball practice, went to church, had an awesome day at the mall together…but it’s different. And it always will be. We already know everything there is to know about one another. We might not get that first feeling of infatuation back ever…but we can certainly rekindle the flames of passion in our relationship. I am working diligently on that because I know how important it is. But what we have is so much deeper and more meaningful than that. Heather pointed out that infatuation always wears off in a relationship. And then what is there? We know what we have in each other; we just have to find the sparks that were there 6 years ago.

So here we are after a very emotional week or so and barreling in towards Friday; the day we’ll all be under one roof again. My kids are super stoked. I am a little scared, but wildly excited. I know it’s going to be amazing because I am going to make it that way. God has us here and going through all this for a reason. It’s going to be turbulent at times…but I know if we keep focused on what’s important in life; our faith and our family – then we cannot and will not fail. God has something big in store for us. I can’t help but feel that in my heart.

So now I am just sitting and waiting basically; T minus 4-days until we blast-off into our new relationship and lives. It’s the most nervous and excited I have been since I told Heather “I do” more than 5 years ago. And just like that day, I am signing up for the long term; through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health. I love her so much.

The last 12 months of my life have taught me a valuable lesson. First and foremost – I turned back to Christianity after abandoning it for many years. My mother always told me there would more than likely be a major event that would let me “see” God; let me KNOW that Christianity is real. She always talks about an auto accident she had. However, I didn’t have a sudden epiphany.

Not jail, not my wife leaving me…no one event changed me. I think it was the cumulative effects of people, places and things. First and foremost the experience I had in jail, my DUI charge, and the loss of my wife all made me relook at my life and how I was living it. Why was I drinking so much? What had happened to me to make me lose my way so drastically? Where had the Russell I had always been gone to? It forced me into some deep self thought about my purpose here – my calling, if you will.

I cleaned up my life – I started boxing, running and taking care of myself. My overall mood changed drastically. My self-worth went through the roof. But still there was something missing. I met a fantastic woman online who’ll remain nameless for the purpose of this article. Despite the limited time we spent chatting and emailing, I learned a great deal from her. About what my purpose might be, and how God can lead us directions that might not be the easiest, but are there for a reason. These difficulties are to teach us. Or perhaps Satan led me down those paths and God just helped me to see the error of my ways and give me guidance.

Either way I abruptly decided to break my old ties – to pack and move. I just knew it’s what I was meant to do. I felt like the rebuilding of myself was as complete as it would get in the same old surroundings – with the people, places and ghosts of the past haunting me. So I came to Atlanta. My experiences here have been a huge part of my life coming so much back together. From my great friend who has allowed me to crash in his spare room and take the time I need to put it all back together, to all my new wonderful friends I have – who are not only Godly, quality people, but the kind of folks who open their doors and hearts to help you no matter what – they have played such an important part in helping me.

God led me here for a reason – it has allowed me to get back to the person I was. I don’t think it was chance or luck that about the time at which my ex-wife decides to reconcile I am at one of the best points of my life. While her journey hasn’t been exactly the same, she too has been led back to Church and God, and also back to me. I believe we were both sent on trips to get to know ourselves again, so that we can then have a real relationship not just with each other, but with our God and our faith.

I have absolutely been saved by a force so much bigger than me. I have decided to commit all my musical abilities henceforth to playing in Christian bands and spreading the amazing story of what has happened to me to whoever will listen. I feel like I have woken up from a long sleep – and suddenly everything is brighter, better and life’s full of hope. I couldn’t have done it without each and every one of you. You will always have my heartfelt thanks, my love and my gratitude.