I’ve got to have some wood nearby to knock on – but I’m going to say it. I’m finally happy. For the first time in longer than I can really remember I am actually enjoying life. Everything just seems….right. That’s not to say I don’t have to fight through the struggles of daily existence. I think we all deal with that each day. But I seem to be back to the place I was eight years ago when my World was on its axis and spun properly. It’s been quite the path to get here, and by no means an easy journey; but definitely a worthwhile one.

The first thing I had to do was struggle, and I mean scrape and crawl and drag myself, through an addiction to alcohol. Without doubt it’s the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I can’t tell you how many times it would be easy to just have a beer, grab a six-pack or go out with friends. But that’s not who I am anymore. I wrestled with that Demon and I’m glad to say I beat the Devil, as Kris Kristofferson says. It’s taken a ton of commitment, some great friends, and a paradigm shift to make it happen. I may still occasionally stumble or fall, but I’ll fight back onto the wagon and hold on for all I’m worth.

The second thing I did was reprioritize my life. When I sat down and thought about what was important to me there was no question about what was atop the list – being the best dad I can be for my children. Somehow, someway, for some reason my ex-wife decided to let my son move in with me. Maybe she thought he needed his father around. But it’s more likely she probably saw that I was the one who needed him. And having him here has changed everything. I revel in the role of dad. We get up and go swim, play baseball, read books, play video games; do the kind of things all boys should do with their fathers. It’s making me a better person by the minute. It seems like the more parenting I do the more I learn about myself and change for the positive. Commitment, patience, morals: The lessons are everywhere I look.

Lastly I’ve really fallen back on my spirituality. My particular flavor is Buddhism. But hey, Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, etc. – you have to stick with what works best for you. My faith really grounds me. I find myself recognizing the moment so much more often and embracing those precious seconds of here and now. It’s wonderful after drinking so much of the present away. The Buddhist tenants of skillful thought and meditation are things I use all the time now. I find when I approach life in such a manner the rewards I receive are ten-fold. But you don’t have to take my word for it. No matter your faith, really apply it to your life and let me know how things turn out. I believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

But most of all I credit my family. I have the most amazing parents a person could ask for. They watched the roller coaster called My Life over the past 10 years or so and stood by, offering guidance (or a well placed kick to the backside) when I needed it. The saw me at my worst times; drunk and belligerent, in a court for DUI, screaming at my ex-wife and are now seeing me at my best. It’s only possible because of their love, devotion, dedication and hard work. I owe them a debt that can never be repayed. But I promise I will try and take all this positive steam and put it towards being the kind of person, and living the kind of life, that makes them proud.

And too all my friends who have kept me afloat on an unrelenting sea of depression and self-loathing, thank you for your patience. I really have far better friends than I deserve. If it wasn’t for you there’s no telling where I might be. I use to overvalue socialization and I allowed it to run my life. I cut my losses and hunkered down with a small group of true friends – and I am constantly enriched and blessed by all of you.

Lastly I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my ex-wife. Even though things didn’t work out in our lives as we hoped and vowed that day almost six years ago, you’ve been patient, kind, and continued to support and tolerate me through the hurdles of our divorce and now raising children. Many women would have gone bananas over the monkey business I caused. But you have been and always will be my friend. And to say I am thankful for that is perhaps the understatement of my life.

I never knew so much good could come out of something that at the time seemed so bad. But as Norman Ollestad said, “Now I realize inside each turbulence there is a calm; a sliver of light buried in the darkness.”

It’s so tough to be bipolar. It’s harder than any war I fought or any battle I won. The highs and lows are more than you could even imagine. It’s as if your life is a roller coaster and everyday is a hill. One minute on top of the World admiring the view but the next the depths of depression; just waiting for that inevitable climb back up. But this ride never ends. It just goes on and on.

It’s amazing to me; I’m surrounded by happiness and what should make a person’s life fulfilled; a loving family, amazing children, incredible friends. But none of that makes a difference. One day I feel as if I’m finally on the path towards happiness. Then my brain switches, and I’m drowning in a sea of despair and unhappiness. And I think to myself – God please just let the ride end. There’s no worse torture than knowing and seeing what you want in your moments of sanity, but being unable to grab them.

It’s a vicious cycle fueled by self-medication, prescription drugs and my own mind. But I just can’t get hold of it. The mind is so powerful. I’ll make awful decisions; lose loved ones, damage relationships, damn near lose myself. But like a song on repeat the cycle continues. I want to stop it…but I can’t.

And here I am again today; after a day of bliss – of mania as a Psychiatrist would tell you – back on the low end of the spectrum. Wondering why I’m here, what my purpose is. It’d be so easy to disappear into nothingness. Life would be so much easier that way. But I can’t bring the shame of that unanswerable question upon my children and my friends. I can’t leave them asking why.

So I sit…a prisoner of my own mind: one day alive and moving 100 miles per hour, the next a recluse hardly willing to leave the bed. I don’t expect anyone to understand it. But it’s who I am. It’s the life I was born into. And one day I fear it will take me into a blackness that never ends.

18 months ago I came within seconds of taking my own life. I had lost my job, my family, my freedoms; I was at rock bottom. I remember feeling like I had nothing. That sense of emptiness was so scary. I wasn’t even mad – Just alone. But a random phone call from an old friend came at the exact right moment in time. I remember the taste of the cold barrel in my mouth and hearing the ringing of the phone. I can’t believe how close I came to leaving this World.

So today, on this Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for. I’m blessed with the best children a father could hope for; two wonderful kids who love me despite my flaws, who look up to me and love me unconditionally. I have two fantastic ex-wives who I remain friends with to this day. I cherish not only the times we use to have together, but the ones we have now as well. I have the most supportive family imaginable. My parents and brothers have watched me trip, stumble and fall and have always been there standing beside me when I need them.

I am also so thankful to you – all my friends old and new who follow me on Twitter, Facebook, this blog and the like. Social Networking has allowed me to chronicle my life – the ups and downs, good times and bad – and I am so thankful that you are there to tag along for the journey; sometimes offering advice or putting a foot in my ass if I need it. I appreciate you putting up with my crazy antics and listening to my wild stories. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without all of you in it.

Most of all I am thankful for my life – for the chance to sit and watch a sunset, or see the twinkle in my son’s eye on a Christmas morning; the ability to get in my truck, put the windows down and feel the wind against my face and know I am alive. I’m thankful for each breath I am blessed to take in this World because late on a Friday night 18 months ago I was a split second away from giving this life up.

No one ever told me moving to Atlanta would be easy. Of course, packing up a suitcase and just driving off into the sunset towards a new beginning, a new life – it sounded so perfect. It’s almost like something pulled from the pages of a novel. Applying to work in the gay adult entertainment industry? I don’t remember reading that in a novel…but it’s not really my genre. I’ll get back to that.

There's really nothing wity I can post here...the pic really steals my thunder.

As my video blog mentioned the other day, I was turned down for a janitorial job. That was a really low blow to my self confidence and mental well-being. I’m not really sure why in the hell I was even applying for that position. They were correct in assessing me as overqualified for that job – despite the fact I have the greatest mustache ever. I assumed it would make me look more everyday-kind-of-guy. At this point though, a job is a job. I believe I said that job was as far down as I felt I could fall, but I was wrong. (No offense intended, janitors of the World.) I actually applied a few days back to be a stock worker at a place that stores and distributes gay pornography. Yes, you read that correctly. It’s most definitely not my dream job. Hell…I didn’t even realize such jobs existed. But at this point I’ll do ALMOST any and everything. I never heard back from them. Apparently I’m not qualified for that gig either. It’s probably a good thing. That’s a job you don’t want to have to explain to future employers.

All this time off and job searching has made me realize this: the world doesn’t have that much work for unskilled labor. And unfortunately for me, the things I am skilled in – Public Relations, Marketing, playing music loudly, drinking copious amounts, using cheesy pickup lines on women way out of my league, wasting hours on the Net – it’s very beneficial to be a hot chick, have finished college or more than likely both. (No offense intended, hot chicks of the World) I have never watched gay porn, so I guess I don’t have a background in that field. Maybe that’s why they too didn’t offer me a job.

My buddy Ted called and asked if I would come and help him paint all day tomorrow. He has a condo he’s trying to get ready to rent out. I thought this would be a great opportunity for me to make a little side cash – get a little change in my pocket, if you will. But alas, he wants to pay me in alcohol and food. I’m not sure what that story says about me. I like beer, maybe? Check. It is the nectar of the Gods – as good as cash in my book. Besides, it will break up the monotony that is my last few weeks. Painting while drinking and listening to some good ole’ Southern Rock – it’ll be like I’m right back in Alabama. I can’t wait. And it’s got to be better than stocking porn. So I’ve got that going for me.

As always, be safe, be good and be happy. See you on down the road.

It’s always awesome to be around family. Well….not so much my parents. Don’t get me wrong; they are great people whom I love to death, but they can drive me batty if I spend too much time around them. I was actually talking about Dylan and Kylie – my two best friends in the world. Since I am sitting here in Tuscaloosa just killing time until the new casa in Anniston is ready this Friday, I decided to bring Dylan home with me for a few days until we head back for church Wednesday night.

My wife and children give me such purpose, motivation and meaning. They are amazing gifts from God.

It’s truly amazing how much clarity I get from spending time with a 4-year old. The unconditional love he has for me, the way he looks up to me and always tries to make me proud is so life affirming. I spent so much time away from my children over the last year I had forgotten how incredible they are. I thought that running from them and their mother – getting distance and separation – would allow me to forget about what had happened; to pretend it never existed and just move ahead with my life. Trust me, that didn’t work. It made my soul restless. It kept me lying awake at night. After spending my entire life running from problems and feelings I had finally found something I couldn’t escape; love at its most basic, true form.

Having my son and daughter around gives my life purpose, reason and motivation. I lacked all that when they were gone. I’m not sure how I ever made it 25 years without them. Everything I try to do is to better their lives and give them opportunities I never had. I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. They absolutely have the most amazing woman as a mother also. The fact that she married me the first time still flabbergasts me. I can’t at all understand why she wants me back after all I put her through. She’s just that special. She is without a doubt a gift from God. And it shows in my children. They have her generosity, her inquisitiveness and thankfully for them her stunning beauty. But most importantly they ground me and make me see what’s important in life just like she does. A man couldn’t ask for three better best friends to grow old with. And that’s what I realized laying here with Dylan watching him nap.

It’s like the old Japanese Proverb that says “When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.” My family is my best friend; and they make me look so much better than I deserve. I try every minute of every day to make decisions that honor, love, respect and reciprocate all that they give me. I love each of them so much more than I can ever show or tell them. But I will spend my lifetime trying.

In March of this year, I blew out my knee. Then in April I woke up to find my wife and children gone. A month later I found myself in a jail cell. To add insult to injury, a month after that I lost a $70,000 a year job. I thought I was finished – but what I didn’t see, or couldn’t realize, was that life had different plans for Russell Crowe.

The longer I make my way through this existence, the more clear things seem to me. I use to think a mistake meant that something was gone – that I had lost something I could never get back. But I am realizing that a mistake or bad decision often is simply a way of life telling you “not now” – or to take a different approach. And believe me; I have made some bad decisions.

But it seems more and more as I sit back and look at it, that life has a peculiar way of working in circles and always taking you back to the places, people and things that you are meant to be with. No matter how much you try and escape yourself – you simply cannot fight that power. But if you open yourself up to this, and look for the positive in this experience – it can be life changing.

As Albert Schweitzer said, “In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.   It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.”

I have been fortunate to meet so many people over the last 6 months who have rekindled my fire – who have taught me about me – and about what it means to really, truly be alive. To love and long, to be open and honest with yourself, to hurt and heal, to be the person you were meant to become. My ends were eerily easy to see – a prison cell, a mental hospital, a ditch or dead. But a force more powerful than me gave me new people to learn from, as well as reacquainting me with old ones that I continue to learn from and who reignite the fires in my soul.

As I sit every morning and stare at this computer screen debating on what to write, and I can’t help but think about when I was trying to do this one year ago. My life was a blank slate – I couldn’t express my feelings or thoughts, they were smothered by my addiction, by my bad decisions and by my fears and misery. I was a slave to life and to the monotonous grind of working in a place you hate. Now when I look at that same screen the possibilities are endless and the opportunities are completely open. I guess the blog writing is simply a metaphor for my life.

So here I am, full circle back to the wide-eyed young man I was 12 years ago, albeit a little wiser for the times. I am full of energy, passion and zest for each day and breath I take. It was a strange lesson life gave me – what it took to get back to this place. But it was never more than I could handle. I was tested, and I passed. I have found the things, people and places that make me who I am and who I want to be. I am forever indebted to those trials and tribulations for taking me full circle – and helping me find the person I lost many years ago. I thank each and every one of you – you know who you are – for helping save me. I am forever in your debt.

My life - one hour, one minute at a time.

Life never ceases to fascinate me. The fact that I can wake up feeling one way, and just a few hours later everything has changed, baffles me. I never really know what to expect or what’s going to happen. Maybe that comes with being sober all the time. Perhaps this is just a new phenomenon to me. Maybe I’m just getting reacquainted with something that everyone else is already aware of. The how or why isn’t really important I guess, just the fact that it happens is staggering to me.

Take today for example. I woke up in a great mood – as I do most days, realizing the future is right in front of me and every step I take dictates the path I’ll travel. I ended up spending lunch with my ex-wife. Now I know that sounds strange to a lot of people – and believe me when I say I get a lot of flak about it. But it’s important to me to remain friends with her. That’s much easier said than done, though. Today was a great example of that. It was not a good lunch. It was essentially me paying for us to argue in public. I try not to fight, but it’s difficult to be friends when there’s so much history – good and bad. But that’s a process we’ll work through for the rest of our lives. As long as we can work through problems, differences of opinion and resentment, I think we’re headed the right direction – for us and for our kids. Anyway, I’m rambling.

Needless to say I left lunch in a very bad mood. I stopped on the way home and bought beer. A very bad move. I didn’t drink it though. I sat it in the floor and looked at it. What those bottles represent to me – there’s nothing positive about them. It’s a means of escape – and much like I’ve been doing for many years, I wanted to just escape and find happiness in the bottom of an empty bottle. But for some reason I didn’t.

For whatever reason, instead of drinking I decided to check my email and spend my time doing something else. I was floored at my inbox. I had multiple messages from folks, some old friends and some I hope to be friends with in the future – people that just read my blog. They were wonderful. It really put my life in perspective. There was a Russell of the past, and there’s Russell today. And I was dangerously close to slip-sliding back to where I didn’t want/need to be. It touched me to know there are so many people reading and enjoying my blog. I truly appreciate all of you.

Tucked away in those emails though, was a note from someone in my past that is so special to me. I have spent years looking for this person. I am so happy to have them back in my life. As I sat there and looked at these beautiful messages in front of me and the alcohol behind me – I realized the difference an hour can make. Every decision we make has consequences – not just for us, but the people around us as well. And I sincerely thank you all for your decision to read my ramblings and watch me stumble through this crazy thing called life – one hour, one minute at a time.